PS. If this hasn't already been suggested by others on this forum, a great blog is baggagereclaim.co.uk -- go and read, you'll find LOTS of answers to your questions. hugs...

Thank you.
I told him that he is being distant again, he has not replied to that text in over a day...and I feel ok. I am at work, I am able to concentrate and feel in good spirits. :)
Maybe it has started to sink in.

The good feeling didn't last. I tried to explain how I feel when he is Indifferent but it backfired as I came across as moody and unreasonable all by text message as he is away at the moment.
. He offered to call as said that text is no good and I said I didn't really want to as he wasn't acknowledging what I was saying. He then stopped texting, I feel so lost. I have probably pushed him away for good with my demands :(

It has been my experience that men who are emotionally unavailable are very good at making others feel as if they are being too demanding. Its not unrealistic to want to be with a man who is consistent. The ups and downs will kill you.

i know we're socialized this way but we all have to STOP believing that we make anyone feel anything!! we don't. and they don't make us feel anything either. we choose how we react and feel and so do they.

demands believe it or not are okay. especially when it comes to communication. we all need to be heard and listened to and acknowledged however it is OUR job to validate ourselves. it is not his job to validate you.

text really isn't a good way to communicate our emotions. however i really understand not wanting to talk live on the phone b/c every time i would he would completely blow me out of the water and blow me off or turn up the abuse or mock me or........or.....or..... so i would text as a way to control him.

try to think about what it is YOU want and need and make it okay. is it possible to give that to yourself?? validate yourself. nurture yourself, nourish yourself...

The bad feelings and emotions just come over me depending on the situation, when he doesn't respond, when he is distant and cold I feel terrible sadness and anxiety, how is it that I chose to feel that way? It comes from somewhere and because I love him, the feelings are a result of the inconsistent behaviour and myself trying to make sense of that.
What I am choosing, unwisely, is to stay in the situation hoping that I could stop being so needy and trying to 'fix' myself. However, it is not working.
Like you guys said before, I need to accept that I want someone consistent, loving and not still attached to his ex and that is ok. I know this, however, I feel unable to let go and thinking that he may not want to any more makes me feel that life is not worth living

*thinking that he may not want me anymore

oh anamaria,
I know how you feel honey, its so very difficult. Its not about him, its about you.
Why does him not wanting you make you feel that way?
Did you say your children have all grown up and flown the nest?!
I too am in that situation, ( well, similar) and I find it very hard as part of me felt comfortable with them needing me. Now they are not here I felt so lost and floundering about trying to find that feeling again. Could it be something to do with that?!
Try and think positive that this is now your time, your time to flourish and make positive choices for yourself.

Because I love him and splitting up will be very difficult.
My kids are still little, it was a friend of mine who said that hers have gone and she wishes they were still little, it made me realise that I need to enjoy this time with them and be less self-involved in their presence.

I'm glad you enjoy your trip to Wales .

i know it's hard to understand especially at first. but all of this, feelings and all are ours and ours alone. this issue is about us not them. you could easily replace men 1oo times and still have the same issues and emotions and reactions.

if we change the story we replay in our hearts and heads, if we change our thinking and our expectations. if we change our codependency needs then all of a sudden we are not reacting and feeling the same way anymore. we can't b/c we've changed our thinking.

have you gone to baggage reclaim yet?? read read read read. she helped me so much in the beginning to see what i'm saying to you with love....the reason we involve ourselves with unavailable men is because we are in fact unavailable ourselves. the reason we attach ourselves to assclowns is b/c we are "wounded" ourselves.my shrink always tells me that women ALWAYS return to the scene of the crime. we always try to have a corrective experience through our men but it cannot be done. we need to heal our own childhoods and relationships with our role models and daddys. wwltm tend to marry their daddys. i have 4 times over!! not been married but i've returned to the scene of the crime 4 heavy duty times over. i have never had a healthy relationship with a man b/c i have't completely healed that part of my childhood.....

this is my drama. my issue.

we can love them to death but that doesn't mean they are right for us. or even good to us.............

I realized that what hurt me the most was not whether he was hot or cold but rather how I interpreted his behavior. If he called I would think ok he cares if he didnt call ok I suck. Its your thinking that creates your feelings. And the childhood issues are a really big issue. I just did another journal entry on my father and I saw different patterns again. I have done this several times and each time my understanding gets deeper. Finn makes a valid point until you see ur patterns u will continue to do the same thing over and over again

I also wanted to add that once u start to realize ur patterns u can make another choice or choose to not act at all. I will use myself as an example. .. my father blew hot and cold. He could be kind or verbally abusive. I tried to control his mood by being small acting like everything he did was extremely important. As a child I was extremely anxious and in order to cope with the fear and pain of that relationship I started eating and when I got older sex and cigarettes. Now at 35 I see my patterns the emotionally unavailable men I pick who I keep trying to resolve my childhood issues. What I also realize now as well is that when I feel I need to smoke or eat or I start fantasizing bout men...something has triggered it. Now when I meet the distant guy or he is just a lil off...I know its just my daddy issues. Also when I start craving food or a smoke I realize im trying to avoid a feeling. Its not easy and I dont always get it right but im getting stronger

sorry anamaria, I got that kinda wrong!

All this is about us, our reactions and responses and what makes us react and respond in certain ways. You can't make it about someone else because all you can control is yourself. Its horribly confusing and mind-glowingly over-whelming sometimes. I have been coming here for nearly two years now and it took me most of that to realise this.
I have continued to choose the same type of men and have felt the same way all my life. Its been horrible to be honest. Two things happened, my daughter started dating and I noticed she didn't suffer the terrible angst that I did. and I found a diary from when I was about 20….I felt exactly the same then as I do now. It shocked me. It was me all along, not them. ME.

Im rambling! not sure what Im trying to say but you can change and learn to react and respond differently. There is hope for us all. As for this relationship. Im not sure it sounds too healthy for you, I know you love him but he isn't giving you what you need or deserve.

I'm reading 'baggage re-claim' it's really interesting and useful.
My father was so unpredictable in behaviour and emotions i always felt like I was walking on egg shells, he was very physically and emotionally abuse and it left me damaged. It was the inconcistency which I found unbearable and always blamed myself for the drastic changes in his mood. He would go hours and even days without speaking to me and blanking me and I didn't have a clue why, even worse, he would continue to be loving and attentive towards my brother, i was really well behaved and quiet so i could not find an explanation to what was happening. I guess that's the reason why i find that type of behaviour so distressing even if it is less drastic or noticeable.
I will continue to try to get better and to think more about my wellbeing.

anamarie, i'm so sad reading about your relationship with your father. no wonder sister no wonder. he sounds a lot like my dad.

what i learned about my history was that i was a VERY sensitive thin skinned kid raised in a very invalidating environment which lead me to emotion dysregulation. i was scared and confused and it was all my fault. all of it. all of the rage and disappointment. it is EVERY kid's nature to make adult problems their fault b/c we are omnipotent that way as a kid. especially in a raging family. my mom was passive and very loving but also very judgmental and she did little to protect me from the rage.

so when i realized that there was very good reason for me to be attracted to men like my dad it was the final validation that i needed to get out of that pattern. i had to grieve. i'm still grieving.

here is a website that i have found to be incredibly validating and explains exactly what happened and why i am the way i am now....he's a psychologist in california but he has recently written a new book called complex ptssd from surveying to thriving but his website has some amazing articles. i recommend you all read complex ptsd and grieving to see if it resonates with you too...

if you do read it please let us know wha thou think...i'm working on some theories...

www.pete-walker.com