I think this is a good way to find out, watch for patterns if is old toxic patterns run....

Creo i read your post twice. It really resonates with me. You're completely right. I don't recognize how my partner choosing patterns are so out of whack. Wow

i know i'm not ready for a relationship yet either. the last one is still too much on my mind. i don't want to have that empty void and end up trying to "get someone" to fill it. funny, the thought of being single invoked such fear in me. i'm 52 and at times i think romance is over for me. but ya know, the last couple of weeks i've noticed some attractive men looking my way. i'm not putting any energy into any of that right now. i want to be really healthy and completely over the last one. mostly okay with being single except for occassional bouts of loneliness. tomorrow i'm starting a little "cleansing regime." i want to focus on only my health and let go of as much of my history with him as i can. i have come far, but i have quite a ways to go before i am stable and complete in myself.

it is a long road.... I am doing the same kind of stuff... when I go some where I tell myself to go just to do something, not to see if I meet HIM... some times I do ok and get home and think hey U enjoyed what you did without looking for the one... but more often then not I am looking and the left hand checking out the ring finger... makes me soooo mad at myself... last night at target a kind of nice looking man said hi, that's it jus HI... right off the bat I started thinking "he is kindo short, but oh I could go out with him- shit like that) then at the checkout I saw he was with his wife or whoever... I had stupid feelings of being bugged at her... soo cccrazzy... I have a wedding shower today... just women..... good time to focus on me and having fun...laughing and enjoying my nieces and their friends.. my daughter, sisters and all the other great women in my life .... not think about men at all today (I hope)

That's it.
And it's about subconsciously putting out energy that attracts the same back.
Good begets good.
Bad begets bad.
I can absolutely see it in my day to day life. When I'm good--as in positive/strong/solid--I will get that back. The phone will ring, I will get an email from someone, I will get back positive. The opposite--usually, nothing but sometimes just trouble.

Surrender

Yesterday a beautiful young man entered my home
It was the late afternoon and time for tea
As he moved through one room and then another, he
asked me, “What is new for you? What is happening in your life?”
and I found myself in the middle of something between speaking my truth and
intellectual seduction
I found myself wondering what he wanted, why he was here
And I thought that he is younger than I and older than my children and still a boy
Why is it that in the midst of exchanging depth, I am looking at arm muscle and calibrating possibilities
A man is two things to me--something to overcome or something to befriend--the latter would need to be formally partnered or unattractive, the former is any man
This is my poem for today
A smattering of reality and a check inward to say, “Who are you? Can you love yourself first? Allow something of quality to come and beseech you instead of beseeching?”
I believe I can graduate to this higher plane but like Prometheus, I struggle with the concept of not pushing the stone up the hill again.

All i have to say, is the best thing you can do is learn yourself. your image of what a nice man is, is going to be warped. you will not know what you want, or how you want to be treated until you learn yourself. you will know what you dont want, and that is a big difference from knowing what you do want. Before you go out and do this, and meet someone who you think you have a connection with, and end up risking everything for that connection... make sure you know you, and can love yourself. time alone is essential. have a red flag list. meeting someone else isnt going to fix anything or make you feel better in the long run. and it wont make you feel validated for your past relationship.

make dates with yourself. get connected to yourself. sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but you can choose what waters to swim in. definition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. things dont change unless you change. Any guy you meet on there, will not be any different if you have not gone through the steps within yourself to make it the way you want.
just some thoughts for you.

I agree with the wisdom on this post very much. I am dating right now -- JUST Dating...and it is so NEW for me...I keep telling my daughter "I'm a Dater Not a Hater"...lol

I am on 2 online dating sites, and I've been going out about once a week or so...Much of my life is filled up with work and home and kids and creatvity and learning how to take care of myself. In Dating, I am finding out that there are a lot of nice men out there...and there are some that are not very nice...and I am also finding out that I still want something that has, so far, been elusive. Yet, I dont feel like I am grasping for anything this time around...I am just having fun and enjoying meeting new men and learning how to date.

If I remember correctly the Book even talks about dating...and about how WWLTM sometimes choose badly a FEW times...but that they tend to choose better each successive time. I am learning and growing and I like it.

lots of fish in the sea, but you can choose what waters to swim in- perfect .. that is going on my fridge... :0)

Regarding dating....I had a dinner date the other night with a very nice Man...we were going to go wine tasting tomorrow...I cancelled the date today. Asked him for a raincheck. I just dont feel like going out tomorrow as I want to do some housekeeping and other projects.

I remember a time in my life when I would have NEVER have cancelled a date!! I find that interesting progress :)

progress is great.... good job for doing what you want...; )

After youve been through what we have been through, dating becomes a science... we have to keep our hearts quiet, and listen to what we have learned. im not against dating at all... just prepare yourself and arm yourself with the tools needed to not fall in the same roles, and not be a victim again.

Good advice Dracona...I like the way you put that "keep our hearts quiet"...and it is a science...I am still sorting out what I actually WANT...and it may not be a traditional relationship at all. My Autonomy and MY freedom have become so much a part of my Identity, now, that I am not willing to give that up....and I am not at all certain if maintaining those things in myself is condusive to a tradional relationship. We Cry, We Learn, We Scream, We Learn...and eventually we find OURSELVES amidst the ashes.

Hugss to ALL

of course... we are just trying to reduce the amount of times we are burned to ashes, and instead of running into a fire... learn to put it out once it starts. learn to walk away with dignity and enough respect for ourselves.

We tend to create a fantasy in our minds. that we can love them enough, prove to them we are worthy, prove to them that love exists and then we will have everything promised to us, and we will be a happy old couple with grandchildren sitting on the porch holding hands still just as in love with each other as the first day. we devote our lives to it. we excuse the bad, and hang on to those few memories of bonding, that connection. but the bad just gets worse... and the worse it gets, the harder we fight to prove ourselves, and they use us. they manipulate us. we are a sucker for sob stories. "bad boys" and mystery. "nice" guys seem boring, or are completely off our radar, we dont even notice them... and they dont notice us.
we wonder why those "lucky girls" find these wonderful men, it seems so easy for some.

Its because they have boundries... and self worth. we have to train ourselves to do this because we dont know how. ill post more about trama bonds and the scientific findings about how we process bonding and relationships.

I think it's a good thing. If it makes you feel good and you aren't getting too attached to fast. I haven't had any success on there but some people do. Just be slow about things and only meet in public places. I don't think I will find anyone anymore. Definitely losing hope. But I do enjoy going on these sites to feel like I'm still wanted. I think the hardest part for me was trying to describe myself without being negative. I still have to learn more about who I am and what I like. Good luck Miss! And keep us posted :)