Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Remember me?
yeah I got over that A-hole I was last in here about. I was single and HAPPY for about a year and a half.
I swear I don't know whay I go looking for trouble. I was F.I.N.E fine. Ecstatic even.
I got back on the dating site in early Spring. I felt strong. I had quit smoking in January (7 months smoke free today, btw) - and anyway I hooked up with a man who is my age, has a daughter, decent looking, hard worker, super smart and attentive. It was perfect. We had a crazy connection and yet it felt very sane and non dramatic. He often commented on how low maintenance I am, how confident and no hassle we are as a couple. It was smooth sailing, easy breezy. We got each other. I even went on a 2 week vacation without him (it was booked before we met). We kept in contact daily and all day by text. He told me he loved me not even 2 months in.
Our kids met hardly 3 weeks after we met and got along great. It was to say the least - perfection.
Our communication was excellent, we talked about everything. NOTHING was left to stew, if either one of us had any concerns, it was put on the table and ironed out fairly quickly.
We were sooooo happy, we marveled at how we always talked about us, about our love and our relationship.
About 2 weeks after I got back from my vacation, he and I went on a mini vacation to a cottage by a lake with teh kids. We were SO excited! I was great....but, my son acted up. It was teh first tiem he had to share a space with 2 other people, first tiem he had to share my affcetions for 3 nights straight. It must have been a shock to him, well - there were alot of time-outs those 3 days. Some of which D (my bf) stepped up to teh plate for. He was very good with my son. Another reason I loved him so much.
On a sidenote - throughout the 3 month realtionship, there were a few bouts of disconnect. He would check out for a day or so, meaning, he would be quiet and distant and when I called him on it he woudl say he felt a disconnect but nothing worrisome. He'd always reassure me that we are solid ad then things woudl pick up again.
We come back from vacation - EVERYTHING changes.
No more constant communication. He used to text me first thing in teh morning, throughout teh day, and good night at night with a few terms of endearment in between. No more.
We saw each other the following weekend, it was fine but felt strained. We had clearly changed. I asked him about it a few times and he said he felt a disconnect. Thsi lasted a few weeks. he woudln't text me all day, or he'd break a phone date etc. One time I said to him 'you know I love you, right?'
he said 'yes'
and then I asked if he loved me too, to which he responded 'love you too', 3 hours later! THIS is SO unliek him.
He continued this behavior. Not reciprocating my affections and just sporadically keeping in touch with me, but mostly I initiated.
Last friday I tell him in an email that I had enough. I said this is not what we are about, thsi lack of communication and affection. I told him I cannot continue this way and ended it.
I asked him to contact me when he wanted to pick up his things.
He didn't respond to that email. I wasn't too much attached to the outcome, but I expected at least a response.
Nothing. Instead 3 days later he texts me that he needs to pick up his things.So he suggested to throw them in my car and he'd come to pick them up where I work. Very cold.
I saw him the next morning (yesterday), it was very transactional at first.
I am so stupid, I brought him breakfast. I gave it to him and presented it as a peace offering and as an apology for breaking up. I told him I am having second thoughts. He said what he has always said - that he feels liek there is no trust between us, that teh second he 'disconnects' I fly off the handle. That I bailed the minute I was getting enough attention from him. IT WAS 2 WHOLE WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am I high maintenance? He freaken checked out ! And now, he is trying to make me believe that it's all on me...that I shoudl have stuck around.
It was like a blow to my face. I immediately started to question everything I so believed in. He went on and on about how he feels scrutinzed all the time and how I am 40 years old and shoudl not be so dramatic all teh time. What a blow to teh ego. I became a littel puppy dog and asked if we could try again. He said he feels liek it will keep happening. We left it at that. He said he doesn't know, could not decide if we could try again right there on the fly. We were both late for work.
I haven't heard from him since. Nor have I contacted him.
I am still in shock.
Thoughts?
yeah I got over that A-hole I was last in here about. I was single and HAPPY for about a year and a half.
I swear I don't know whay I go looking for trouble. I was F.I.N.E fine. Ecstatic even.
I got back on the dating site in early Spring. I felt strong. I had quit smoking in January (7 months smoke free today, btw) - and anyway I hooked up with a man who is my age, has a daughter, decent looking, hard worker, super smart and attentive. It was perfect. We had a crazy connection and yet it felt very sane and non dramatic. He often commented on how low maintenance I am, how confident and no hassle we are as a couple. It was smooth sailing, easy breezy. We got each other. I even went on a 2 week vacation without him (it was booked before we met). We kept in contact daily and all day by text. He told me he loved me not even 2 months in.
Our kids met hardly 3 weeks after we met and got along great. It was to say the least - perfection.
Our communication was excellent, we talked about everything. NOTHING was left to stew, if either one of us had any concerns, it was put on the table and ironed out fairly quickly.
We were sooooo happy, we marveled at how we always talked about us, about our love and our relationship.
About 2 weeks after I got back from my vacation, he and I went on a mini vacation to a cottage by a lake with teh kids. We were SO excited! I was great....but, my son acted up. It was teh first tiem he had to share a space with 2 other people, first tiem he had to share my affcetions for 3 nights straight. It must have been a shock to him, well - there were alot of time-outs those 3 days. Some of which D (my bf) stepped up to teh plate for. He was very good with my son. Another reason I loved him so much.
On a sidenote - throughout the 3 month realtionship, there were a few bouts of disconnect. He would check out for a day or so, meaning, he would be quiet and distant and when I called him on it he woudl say he felt a disconnect but nothing worrisome. He'd always reassure me that we are solid ad then things woudl pick up again.
We come back from vacation - EVERYTHING changes.
No more constant communication. He used to text me first thing in teh morning, throughout teh day, and good night at night with a few terms of endearment in between. No more.
We saw each other the following weekend, it was fine but felt strained. We had clearly changed. I asked him about it a few times and he said he felt a disconnect. Thsi lasted a few weeks. he woudln't text me all day, or he'd break a phone date etc. One time I said to him 'you know I love you, right?'
he said 'yes'
and then I asked if he loved me too, to which he responded 'love you too', 3 hours later! THIS is SO unliek him.
He continued this behavior. Not reciprocating my affections and just sporadically keeping in touch with me, but mostly I initiated.
Last friday I tell him in an email that I had enough. I said this is not what we are about, thsi lack of communication and affection. I told him I cannot continue this way and ended it.
I asked him to contact me when he wanted to pick up his things.
He didn't respond to that email. I wasn't too much attached to the outcome, but I expected at least a response.
Nothing. Instead 3 days later he texts me that he needs to pick up his things.So he suggested to throw them in my car and he'd come to pick them up where I work. Very cold.
I saw him the next morning (yesterday), it was very transactional at first.
I am so stupid, I brought him breakfast. I gave it to him and presented it as a peace offering and as an apology for breaking up. I told him I am having second thoughts. He said what he has always said - that he feels liek there is no trust between us, that teh second he 'disconnects' I fly off the handle. That I bailed the minute I was getting enough attention from him. IT WAS 2 WHOLE WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am I high maintenance? He freaken checked out ! And now, he is trying to make me believe that it's all on me...that I shoudl have stuck around.
It was like a blow to my face. I immediately started to question everything I so believed in. He went on and on about how he feels scrutinzed all the time and how I am 40 years old and shoudl not be so dramatic all teh time. What a blow to teh ego. I became a littel puppy dog and asked if we could try again. He said he feels liek it will keep happening. We left it at that. He said he doesn't know, could not decide if we could try again right there on the fly. We were both late for work.
I haven't heard from him since. Nor have I contacted him.
I am still in shock.
Thoughts?
I think he did set it all up and he is just trying to make it about you. He didn't give you a fighting chance.
The book, He's Scared, She's Scared talks a lot about this. How the commitment phobe will pursue so strongly and move things along so quickly, and then they can't deliver on all the promises because they trigger their own fears and run. Then the cat and mouse game begins.
Mine recognized it when he started getting scared and then told me he wanted to slow down and not jump in bed with me again. He said we skipped a lot of the things we should have experienced like dating more instead of spending all our time at my house. He was right. But we ended up jumping back in bed together probably a week or so later. All of this was freaking him out and I didn't realize how serious it was.
So I just wanted to say that although things seemed to move fast, it was probably HIM that was causing that. I know I was just along for the ride. And since it didn't seem extremely fast, considering what I'd been through in the past, I didn't see it. It's hard when the chemistry seems so great, to take things slow.
I recently had someone tell me that I was basically being ridiculous for crying so much over this relationship when he is leaving a 4 yr relationship and doing better than I am. Well, I was doing a lot better than this when I left my 7 yr relationship. Because it didn't end during the best part of the relationship.
I know my guy's exes actually got physically violent with him when he left them. Because of all the games, ignoring, empty promises, etc. It causes tremendous pain for the partner.
Then, BOOM, nothing.
Like it never happened at all.
Twilight Zone, I tell ya.
Everything else that followed just kinda flowed, Izzy. And it felt right, so yes - I suppose I was comfortable with the speed of things, because I felt his love was real and ever-lasting.
IDIOT
This feels very final to me.
If he does, I don't know what I'll do. Honestly. I miss his daughter so much, we developed such a bond.
I don't know what I'd do...
hindsight is 20/20, isn't it? afterwards i learned all about co- and counter-dependency, attachment theory and so on. one dating book told me we'd had a "flame out" and i guess that's true in a sense. though because of who we both are, the way we got together was inevitable. doomed from the start, i think. next time i'm going to take it REAL slow.
your guy's actions really do sound classic "commitment phobe" (the quotation marks are because i hate labels) and it's not to excuse him for blindsiding you, but if you're feeling in any way like it's something you did, it's not. it's all about him. unfortunately...
So I'm in the clear!
My ex that I was with for 7 yrs showed up on my doorstep last year, after I left him 8 years ago!! He somehow figured out where I lived and showed up here one day. They want to keep their options open.