Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Remember me?
yeah I got over that A-hole I was last in here about. I was single and HAPPY for about a year and a half.
I swear I don't know whay I go looking for trouble. I was F.I.N.E fine. Ecstatic even.
I got back on the dating site in early Spring. I felt strong. I had quit smoking in January (7 months smoke free today, btw) - and anyway I hooked up with a man who is my age, has a daughter, decent looking, hard worker, super smart and attentive. It was perfect. We had a crazy connection and yet it felt very sane and non dramatic. He often commented on how low maintenance I am, how confident and no hassle we are as a couple. It was smooth sailing, easy breezy. We got each other. I even went on a 2 week vacation without him (it was booked before we met). We kept in contact daily and all day by text. He told me he loved me not even 2 months in.
Our kids met hardly 3 weeks after we met and got along great. It was to say the least - perfection.
Our communication was excellent, we talked about everything. NOTHING was left to stew, if either one of us had any concerns, it was put on the table and ironed out fairly quickly.
We were sooooo happy, we marveled at how we always talked about us, about our love and our relationship.
About 2 weeks after I got back from my vacation, he and I went on a mini vacation to a cottage by a lake with teh kids. We were SO excited! I was great....but, my son acted up. It was teh first tiem he had to share a space with 2 other people, first tiem he had to share my affcetions for 3 nights straight. It must have been a shock to him, well - there were alot of time-outs those 3 days. Some of which D (my bf) stepped up to teh plate for. He was very good with my son. Another reason I loved him so much.
On a sidenote - throughout the 3 month realtionship, there were a few bouts of disconnect. He would check out for a day or so, meaning, he would be quiet and distant and when I called him on it he woudl say he felt a disconnect but nothing worrisome. He'd always reassure me that we are solid ad then things woudl pick up again.
We come back from vacation - EVERYTHING changes.
No more constant communication. He used to text me first thing in teh morning, throughout teh day, and good night at night with a few terms of endearment in between. No more.
We saw each other the following weekend, it was fine but felt strained. We had clearly changed. I asked him about it a few times and he said he felt a disconnect. Thsi lasted a few weeks. he woudln't text me all day, or he'd break a phone date etc. One time I said to him 'you know I love you, right?'
he said 'yes'
and then I asked if he loved me too, to which he responded 'love you too', 3 hours later! THIS is SO unliek him.
He continued this behavior. Not reciprocating my affections and just sporadically keeping in touch with me, but mostly I initiated.
Last friday I tell him in an email that I had enough. I said this is not what we are about, thsi lack of communication and affection. I told him I cannot continue this way and ended it.
I asked him to contact me when he wanted to pick up his things.
He didn't respond to that email. I wasn't too much attached to the outcome, but I expected at least a response.
Nothing. Instead 3 days later he texts me that he needs to pick up his things.So he suggested to throw them in my car and he'd come to pick them up where I work. Very cold.
I saw him the next morning (yesterday), it was very transactional at first.
I am so stupid, I brought him breakfast. I gave it to him and presented it as a peace offering and as an apology for breaking up. I told him I am having second thoughts. He said what he has always said - that he feels liek there is no trust between us, that teh second he 'disconnects' I fly off the handle. That I bailed the minute I was getting enough attention from him. IT WAS 2 WHOLE WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am I high maintenance? He freaken checked out ! And now, he is trying to make me believe that it's all on me...that I shoudl have stuck around.
It was like a blow to my face. I immediately started to question everything I so believed in. He went on and on about how he feels scrutinzed all the time and how I am 40 years old and shoudl not be so dramatic all teh time. What a blow to teh ego. I became a littel puppy dog and asked if we could try again. He said he feels liek it will keep happening. We left it at that. He said he doesn't know, could not decide if we could try again right there on the fly. We were both late for work.
I haven't heard from him since. Nor have I contacted him.
I am still in shock.
Thoughts?
yeah I got over that A-hole I was last in here about. I was single and HAPPY for about a year and a half.
I swear I don't know whay I go looking for trouble. I was F.I.N.E fine. Ecstatic even.
I got back on the dating site in early Spring. I felt strong. I had quit smoking in January (7 months smoke free today, btw) - and anyway I hooked up with a man who is my age, has a daughter, decent looking, hard worker, super smart and attentive. It was perfect. We had a crazy connection and yet it felt very sane and non dramatic. He often commented on how low maintenance I am, how confident and no hassle we are as a couple. It was smooth sailing, easy breezy. We got each other. I even went on a 2 week vacation without him (it was booked before we met). We kept in contact daily and all day by text. He told me he loved me not even 2 months in.
Our kids met hardly 3 weeks after we met and got along great. It was to say the least - perfection.
Our communication was excellent, we talked about everything. NOTHING was left to stew, if either one of us had any concerns, it was put on the table and ironed out fairly quickly.
We were sooooo happy, we marveled at how we always talked about us, about our love and our relationship.
About 2 weeks after I got back from my vacation, he and I went on a mini vacation to a cottage by a lake with teh kids. We were SO excited! I was great....but, my son acted up. It was teh first tiem he had to share a space with 2 other people, first tiem he had to share my affcetions for 3 nights straight. It must have been a shock to him, well - there were alot of time-outs those 3 days. Some of which D (my bf) stepped up to teh plate for. He was very good with my son. Another reason I loved him so much.
On a sidenote - throughout the 3 month realtionship, there were a few bouts of disconnect. He would check out for a day or so, meaning, he would be quiet and distant and when I called him on it he woudl say he felt a disconnect but nothing worrisome. He'd always reassure me that we are solid ad then things woudl pick up again.
We come back from vacation - EVERYTHING changes.
No more constant communication. He used to text me first thing in teh morning, throughout teh day, and good night at night with a few terms of endearment in between. No more.
We saw each other the following weekend, it was fine but felt strained. We had clearly changed. I asked him about it a few times and he said he felt a disconnect. Thsi lasted a few weeks. he woudln't text me all day, or he'd break a phone date etc. One time I said to him 'you know I love you, right?'
he said 'yes'
and then I asked if he loved me too, to which he responded 'love you too', 3 hours later! THIS is SO unliek him.
He continued this behavior. Not reciprocating my affections and just sporadically keeping in touch with me, but mostly I initiated.
Last friday I tell him in an email that I had enough. I said this is not what we are about, thsi lack of communication and affection. I told him I cannot continue this way and ended it.
I asked him to contact me when he wanted to pick up his things.
He didn't respond to that email. I wasn't too much attached to the outcome, but I expected at least a response.
Nothing. Instead 3 days later he texts me that he needs to pick up his things.So he suggested to throw them in my car and he'd come to pick them up where I work. Very cold.
I saw him the next morning (yesterday), it was very transactional at first.
I am so stupid, I brought him breakfast. I gave it to him and presented it as a peace offering and as an apology for breaking up. I told him I am having second thoughts. He said what he has always said - that he feels liek there is no trust between us, that teh second he 'disconnects' I fly off the handle. That I bailed the minute I was getting enough attention from him. IT WAS 2 WHOLE WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am I high maintenance? He freaken checked out ! And now, he is trying to make me believe that it's all on me...that I shoudl have stuck around.
It was like a blow to my face. I immediately started to question everything I so believed in. He went on and on about how he feels scrutinzed all the time and how I am 40 years old and shoudl not be so dramatic all teh time. What a blow to teh ego. I became a littel puppy dog and asked if we could try again. He said he feels liek it will keep happening. We left it at that. He said he doesn't know, could not decide if we could try again right there on the fly. We were both late for work.
I haven't heard from him since. Nor have I contacted him.
I am still in shock.
Thoughts?
Your story is painful to read and I really cant see the red flags that you missed. It seems like you to were getting along well and then bam he changes. How does one deal with that? I don't think you are being high maintenance two weeks with little to no contact would make any woman think something was wrong. It seems like he is not in it to win it and at this point you may be better off to let go.
The only thing that I can think of is that WWLTM have a tendency to take on more of the responsibility than they are responsible for. This may just be a learning experience for you in regards to trusting yourself. In all of our relationships I believe that is the biggest thing for WWLTM to learn and that is to honor their truth and their perspectives. He didn't communicate the true reason for his distance he is just holding you responsible for his behavior and that's not true. If he felt any of those things like you are scrutinizing him or being dramatic, or anything he could have expressed that at a different time and way earlier. Don't hold yourself responsible something is going on with him and although you have no idea what it is you must trust that it is not about you.
I cant tell you how many times I have taken a stand in a moment of strength and then when I saw them I quickly changed my mind. I felt stupid and pitiful but I realize now that I was convinced that I could not take care of myself that I needed them to be okay. We have to get to a point where either we get what we want and need or we leave no exceptions. ----You have a right to ask for what you want. You may not get what you want but please know that you have a right to ask for what you want. We have to stand in the truth of who we are and others no longer get to tell us who we are. Don't second guess yourself anymore. What he said and did speaks for who he is ---not for who you are.
I had to have my therapist tell me that because I knew nothing about the term. Then I just finished reading He's Scared, She's Scared which TOTALLY DESCRIBED EVERYTHING PERFECTLY. The sudden unexplained distance, the sudden delays or ignoring of texts/emails, not answering calls, coldness (seemed like a completely different person). After everything had been so PERFECT. I wondered how could this gentle, nice, romantic guy change so drastically, so quickly? What did I do?
I highly encourage you to read the book. You will find all the answers you are seeking and then some. And also learn about yourself in the process.
I believe it is now day 10 or 11 of no contact with mine after his latest disappearance (we are also about 3 months in). They come back. But you have to give them space. And that means NO attempts to contact them. Absolutely anything you say right now will push him further away. They can't deal with what they feel like is neediness/clingyness and desperately need space and air to breathe.
And I will tell you that this does NOT mean that he doesn't care about you (which was the hardest part for me because that's what it felt like). It actually means that he DOES care and cannot deal with the overwhelming feelings that he is experiencing. Also, unless he is willing to deal with his issues, maybe try to just stay away for good. These men have a habit of doing this in every single one of their relationships. As soon as everything is wonderful, the peak of the relationship, they can't handle the emotions and run like the wind. If given space, they will probably come back. But they will only continue the pattern forever, unless they get serious help.
Mine left a 10 yr relationship right before they were about to get married. Anything that involves commitment, anytime they feel they are having to commit, they bail. Mine can no longer commit to a time, a date, a call, an answer to a simple question, etc.
This is a perfect opportunity for you to say. I don't need you to change or to see me differently for me to be okay. You can walk away from him without needing him to do anything differently for you to be okay.
Personally, I believe that if a man truly loves a woman, the way she deserves to be loved - he will stop at nothing to reassure her that they are solid.
I don't care about any space allowance. That is horse crap. Anyone can have their space - thsi does not entail treating their partner like a complete stranger. This denotes issues that they have to deal with before claiming love for someone else.
I don't know if my ex has commitment issues. I'm not his mother or his therapist. I am not in his head.
I kinda just feel like he stopped loving me - I guess that is teh headscratcher here. How teh hell does that even happen?
They did a huge case study, interviewing hundreds of commitment phobes and their partners and there were tons of first hand accounts where the commitment phobes were honest about their fears and how overwhelming it was for them. Also, during the moments of openness with this guy, he has told me himself about how "overwhelming" and "intense" it was and the "whirlwind" it caused. All terms covered in the book. I suffer from panic attacks due to my trauma, so I understand how overwhelming fear can be. It is the same for a commimtment phobe. Some of them even do have panic attacks. They suffer from an extreme fear of commitment/intimacy/closeness. And I have talked to some who are actively working on their issues, more self aware, and able to be open and honest about what it feels like.
So to answer your quesetion, the reason why it helped ME to know that he DOES care and that it's fear motivating his behavior, not evil, is because I don't feel victimized again this time. I can't live with the idea of being the victim of another guy who set out to use me and discard me like the psychopaths before. Knowing that is not the case this time helps. I also feel like it's some progress for me. He's not as bad as the rest. He's obviously pretty screwed up. But he's not intentionally hurting me. He's truly scared out of his mind. And we have had some honest discussions about his fear. Obviously that doesn't mean the relationship can work. And at this point I'm starting to lean towards just moving on, even if he tries again. But it helps me not feel so angry and victimized which helps me feel a lot better. I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I just like to see things for what they are.
It sounds like it went on far too fast and he suddenly realised what was going on. Its so easy to get carried away, esp as a WWLTM!!! Its what we do - right - we love too much. Don't beat yourself up about it. Learn from it. Go slow next time.
He treated you like a jerk and he doesn't deserve the love you have to offer. You say he wasn't being him at all - well hun he was being him. He wasn't being him in the beginning, it was all about the oxytocin making him show you a side of him that isn't real.
we have all done it, and it sucks. Leaves you in a whirlwind of confusion and fallen flat to the floor.
Take one day at a time and keep your head up high. Strong relationships start slow and steady. This is crazy to go this fast - its exactly what I have done all my life and like you I have a big bad bump after a few months. Next time keep your cool, keep your feet on the ground and your head out of the clouds.
Its all good, you have learnt from this.
hugs to you.
xxx
What is your intuition telling you.....listen loud and clear and believe in your self...!
What has been plagueing my mind is exactly that - that his perception of me has been morphed. That what once was a deep adoration for me is now what seems like annoyance and even indifference.It is SO painful to know this. Is thsi because his perception and feelings towards me is a reflection of my own feelings towards myself? I am so tired of juggling all thsi insecurity inside of me.
Is this my ego talking?
He has not told me what his feelings towards me are now, I'm taking his behavior at face value. What choice do I have?
I know that he feels differently and I know that it's because of my insecurities. From day 1 he has always said that he wants a woman who is confident. He has made it a point to compliment me when I have shown self confidence and self assurance - like anything short of that is intolerable.
have I tried to prove him wrong? Hell ya. Has it worked? I doubt it. He is too smart and I'm exhausted.
And sad. I don't think it shoudl be so hard..especially not in the early stages.
The reason I asked that question is because I did and still do it in other relationships. As I proposed the questions to you guys I also asked myself the same question. Why was it so important for me that he do, say, and behave in a certain way and what did it mean if he didn't do it? To me him not doing it only reflected how I already felt about myself. I was using him to finally gain the approval and love I was seeking.
For me this is still childhood stuff. It is difficult for a child to say that my parents don't love me. Or rather my parents are unable to show me love and attention. What my parents did was to deflect their issues onto me. So instead of saying oh when you want affection or attention it makes me uncomfortable they accused me of being to needy to sensitive. So, I started to act like I didn't need in hopes that this would gain me their approval as well as make me feel better about myself. It didn't work and I have relived that over and over again in one relationship after another. I wanted my parents love and approval but the truth is I survived with out. So, for me I am learning that I can no longer base who I am and how I feel about myself on how others are treating me-be it well or badly.
I am willing to be wrong but I think he is just saying that you are not confident as an excuse for his own bad behavior. Being confident does not mean that you can be in a relationship with a man who goes silent without justification or cause. That's bullshit and you don't have to eat it. We listen to men when we first meet them and most times they start talking about what kind of woman they want and we gently create the image they are looking for. Don't do it. Be yourself because you are good enough as you are. He needs to worry about his own confidence level. If he was confidence he could talk about what is really going on with him and stop blaming you for it. I am firing myself from the job of trying to get people to see me as I see myself or to see me in a better light. He has chosen to see you that way because it serves him. Just like my parents it served them to see me as too needy rather than to see themselves an unable to love their own child. I am done taking responsibility for other people being responsible for myself is a full time job I cant do the job for them. Miss, I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. I understand what that feels like. Take care of yourself- heal your pain and keep moving. He might have done you a favor.
Hogwash.
He is certainly allowed to not want to be in a relationship with me - but he is not allowed to tip toe around his feelings liek an effin coward.