Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
we broke up. i broke up. i kept wanting him to show some emotion, break down, dont leave me, anything.
when i broke up with him i didnt know how i would feel, only that i needed something to change because i wasnt happy. i was so sad on monday, i lost my composure at work, i left early crying my eyes out. i didnt want to go home, because i was confused and hurt. i went out with a couple friends, had a couple drinks. played slots. had a good time. and i slept with one of my friends. i did it to see where i stood, and what i was feeling.
i dont regret it. because now i know. many many times in my life, i have felt abandoned, alone, horrible darkness ripping through me. and im nearly paralyzed now. i cant think, i cant do anything, i can only feel.
this horrible feeling i cannot explain, this loss, this aloneness. this pain. i cannot lie. i have an inability to lie to people i care about. and he asked, and i told. he blew up. it was the first time since this all started that i saw him show emotions. that i saw him really care about something. he left. he says he can never trust me again. i didnt cheat on him. i didnt. i would NEVER. it wasnt a planned thing. it just happened. and in the end i was ok with my decision because i knew why i did it. and now i know where i stand.
this pain im feeling, shouldnt be like this if i really wanted to leave him. sure, i should be sad, but im hardly functional. im hardly breathing, i feel hardly alive. i feel nothingness. The only man who has ever loved me is gone. i feel like its all my fault. that i just couldnt be happy with anyone. that i never will be. that i blew things out of porportion. but he hates me now, and says there is no chance now. Whats so bad about settling? isnt there a point in your life when you have to decide whats important to you? between what you want and need.
what i want is, someone who has a passion for me, who loves me and knows my heart. who does little cute things for me to show they care. what i have is a kind man, who loves me and my daughter. does the condition of the house really matter? he's there for me. was there for me. im alone now. alone alone alone.
i never thought i would feel this way... i never thought it would hurt THIS much... when my ex left me i was floored like this... but this, its all my fault. i should have found another way to work through it other than breaking up with him. im not angry at myself for sleepign with someone, i felt i needed a change and i set a change in motion. i dont like where its changing too. if the decision was right to break up, i shouldnt be feeling like this.
when i broke up with him i didnt know how i would feel, only that i needed something to change because i wasnt happy. i was so sad on monday, i lost my composure at work, i left early crying my eyes out. i didnt want to go home, because i was confused and hurt. i went out with a couple friends, had a couple drinks. played slots. had a good time. and i slept with one of my friends. i did it to see where i stood, and what i was feeling.
i dont regret it. because now i know. many many times in my life, i have felt abandoned, alone, horrible darkness ripping through me. and im nearly paralyzed now. i cant think, i cant do anything, i can only feel.
this horrible feeling i cannot explain, this loss, this aloneness. this pain. i cannot lie. i have an inability to lie to people i care about. and he asked, and i told. he blew up. it was the first time since this all started that i saw him show emotions. that i saw him really care about something. he left. he says he can never trust me again. i didnt cheat on him. i didnt. i would NEVER. it wasnt a planned thing. it just happened. and in the end i was ok with my decision because i knew why i did it. and now i know where i stand.
this pain im feeling, shouldnt be like this if i really wanted to leave him. sure, i should be sad, but im hardly functional. im hardly breathing, i feel hardly alive. i feel nothingness. The only man who has ever loved me is gone. i feel like its all my fault. that i just couldnt be happy with anyone. that i never will be. that i blew things out of porportion. but he hates me now, and says there is no chance now. Whats so bad about settling? isnt there a point in your life when you have to decide whats important to you? between what you want and need.
what i want is, someone who has a passion for me, who loves me and knows my heart. who does little cute things for me to show they care. what i have is a kind man, who loves me and my daughter. does the condition of the house really matter? he's there for me. was there for me. im alone now. alone alone alone.
i never thought i would feel this way... i never thought it would hurt THIS much... when my ex left me i was floored like this... but this, its all my fault. i should have found another way to work through it other than breaking up with him. im not angry at myself for sleepign with someone, i felt i needed a change and i set a change in motion. i dont like where its changing too. if the decision was right to break up, i shouldnt be feeling like this.
I just want you to know that this pain you are feeling is not about the break up (that is simply the trigger) but about our deep deep fear of abandonment.
For example thinking that it must be a mistake to break up with him or I would not be in so much pain. If being in a severe amount of pain meant the seperation was unwise then I should have stayed with the sick, disordered, heartless and vile psychopath that was xn. Because the day he walked out the door, I was rocking from side to side on my couch like a touch deprived Romanian orphan.
I have never been in such a tremendous amount of pain in my life. My therapist has told me over and over that his purpose in my life was to bring all of my abandoment issues to the surface.
I am not saying you should stay with Austin or not stay with Austin. I know that Austin is not a bad guy or pathological. I am simply stating that the pain you are has ZERO reflection on if breaking up is a good idea or not. This is OLD pain that has reared its ugly head each and every time you broke up with others and it does not even go back to previous bad BF’s. This is family of origin pain and abandonment issues.
If you are trancing then you have to do everything you can to keep yourself focused on the present. Take deep breaths, sit in a chair and feel your back against the chair. When we are trancing, we are practically out of our bodies. Deliberately feel your back against the chair. Start looking around the room and saying outloud if need be: There is a picture of a red sunset on the wall. There is a fireplace. There is a clock. Right now it is 6:15. There is a yellow pillow on the couch. This grounds you in the present. The pain you are in is very old pain and perhaps you could not handle it and process it when you were a young child but you are grown now and you can handle it. Remind yourself of that. I can no longer be abandoned. I can only abandon myself by not taking care of my self. I can handle this. I am an adult and I am strong and I can handle this. I am no longer a baby that will litterally die if I get left behind. No, I can take care of myself.
In the book: How to break your addiction to a person by Harold Halpern
On page 143 he writes:
In his chapter entitled Return of a memory and referring to an adult (with abandonment hunger through childhood neglect as mentioned by above) love relationship that is wrong for us but that we cannot end, even though it is not good for us, he says
In order to understand your Attachment Hunger it is essential that you realize that if is not a new experience . It is not occurring for the first time in the current relationship. It is the return of a memory. It is an emotional reminiscence of a much earlier time. Although the actual details of the memory may be largely forgotten the FEELINGS are as alive and intense now as, when they are triggered into your awareness by the loss or anticipated loss of an important connection, as they were when you originally felt them.
And you originally felt them in the first few months and years of your life. What this means is that when you are ruled by Attachment Hunger, your state of mind is, in many ways, a re-experiencing of your state you were in as an infant or toddler. The qualities of this experience are those of a needy vulnerable being with limited perspective, underdeveloped judgment, little capacity for rational thought, and no will power.
And you need not have had a particularly traumatic or deprived childhood to have known these feelings of primitive dependency. They are part of everyones legacy. They are deposits in everyones memory banks. So when these Attachment Hunger states take over, your thinking and judgment are distorted and ruled by the intense emotions of a time when you were helpless.
END BOOK
My greatest wish for you is that you would put everything on hold (other than motherhood obviously) and put all effort and energy into HEALING. I wish you could go to this clinic:
http://dbtseattle.com/
Good luck my friend, we are all here for you.
Try this when you are up for it:
http://sserenity.wordpress.com/2008/07/02/abandonment-wound-healing-some-of-andersons-techniques/
It wasn't just because you wasn't posting, because we all stop for various reasons, but it was because of a burden I felt for you. I don't know you and we are not even friends on here where we talk off board.
I'm familiar with this place you are in. Its not about you sleeping with someone. Its not about you hurting him, even though it did. This is about DRACONA!!! I think dbpalm said this also.
See, when we ask for help most times it comes in the form of crazy circumstances, because if things are not shaken up, then the right things for us never falls in place. It doesn't make sense...I know
I bet most women on here will agree: the more we prayed about our relationships, the worst they got. Why? Because what is best for us will NEVER happen if things don't become uncomfortable enough to cause change in US, NOT THEM.
Just when we settled for the bad and mistreatment of these men... they became worst. When they became worst we adjusted to it, because, "we loved them". Then because we didn't heed the warnings and SAW THE RED FLAGS AS PURPLE, THEY LEFT.
Now we are in so much pain we can't function. However, the pain is there as a signal...something in us has to change. Something in us has to be attended to. Our Higher Power wants to meet us at our point of need, and mend places in us that a HUMAN CAN'T.
I know some of us have been abandoned, rejected, beat up mentally, emotionally and physically even before we met these men. However, our pain has always been pointing us to our purpose in life and I believe that is to become WHOLE WOMEN.
My point to you is, you have come to the end of yourself. Your need is much bigger than he can give.
Even if he comes back today, you will be unhappy tomorrow, because it aint him.
I believe you are the honest person you say you are. Think about this: did you tell him this to see if he would confess his undying love, and he would pledge to change and be the man you want him to be? Did you want an emotional plea from him to work it out? Did you want to feel he had enough spark in him to fight for the relationship?
You don't have to answer this for me or anyone else, but to you. I asked, because I have done things to get a rise out of an ex.
Not because I was vindictive, but I wanted him to fight for me.
I'm here. I would love to talk with you.
You are going to be fine I know this by the spirit.
THINGS FALL APART, SO THINGS CAN FALL IN PLACE!!!! HUGSSSSSSS
i thought i knew what i wanted when i started to break it off. when i did i was overcome by sadness. i gave it a couple days. we were in the middle of getting back together when he asked that question. they way he looked at me, killed me. they say immerse myself in my daughter, that she is beautiful, right now she is just a reflection of that. i have nothing left. i really dont. i will never love again, because i will never take that risk, if i make it through this, ever again.
i thought when i went through all that after my ex... that i had dealt with it all. that i had survived. i felt invincible, that i could never hurt like that again. and here i am. i try to look back at times of joy in my life. and i find so very very very few, so few, that its not worth it. all this talking ive been doing, typing, crying. its nothing. i am nothing. my heart is dead. my fire for life is dead.
i wish i was suicidal. but instead i torture myself with this endless pain. i dont even know why im typing right now. i dont even know if i will come back to check for replies. all you all are wonderful. i wish i felt something in all the wonderful thigns you say. i wish i could look at my daughter and feel something good. i look at her and feel sadness. honestly, even though i love her, i always have. ive lost almost 17 pounds now... and i dont want to eat. i dont want to move. i get up to feed my daughter and talk to her out of routine. I have no desire to say things allowed. i dont feel in a trance. i know where i am. im sorry. im hanging on by a thread. for what? i dont know. i would be happy with him if he came back. i dont care about all those things that were bothering me, they were superficial. he did show he loved me every day. just not in the way i wanted. not in the map in my head. and if it wasnt how i had it pictured, then it wasnt worth it. ive finally cracked i think, and it was all my own doing. all my own.
my spirit feels dead even. im finally broken. and i dont want to pick up the pieces. i will exist until the sands of time run out. because i cant kill myself. but i cant live either. i will just exist.
He still wants to be a dad to my daughter. ill let him. ill sign off my rights to him if he will have her. i know i can do it alone. but i just dont want to. days no sleep. if i sleep the nightmares will come.
ive already fallen off the edge. im floating in the ocean. another one would drown me, and i would accept it. I did this to myself. if someone threw me a liferaft, im not sure i would grab on. maybe i should sleep. its waking up that is the problem.
If you have not slept in days that is half of your problem right there. You cannot function without sleep. You can't make good decisions.
You cannot be scared of the nightmares. Your unconscious needs to work all of this out. Can you go to your doctor and get a prescription for Ambien? There is no way you would not NOT sleep on ambien.
You are in crisis. Now is not the time to make decisions about anything. Just one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.
Remember this has NOTHING to do with the current issue at hand. This is old, old pain that has come back to haunt you. It will always haunt us until we deal with it.
You have never had an opportunity to deal with your pain, anger and issues. Never. You went from one bad relationship to another one and then ended up pregnant and out on the street. You have been in survivial mode since you were a child.
Perhaps the relative stability of having Austin in your life allowed you to finally confront all that has been wrong.
You are going to be OK Dracona. Just stay present. You may not think you are trancing but anytime we go into such severe black and white thinking we are believing and very old message that we never disconnected from. That is all trancing is. Everyone does it about 5,000 times a day. It is just so prevelent that no even knows they are doing it. Its why the Buddha said we must all wake up. He didn't mean that we were asleep he mean to be conscious and present.
Stay strong girl. You are thinking of permanent solutions to temporary pain. This too shall pass. Everything is going to be OK.
You will get through this. Reach out for help.