Hello,

The guy that lives around the corner told me that he was interested in me what followed was a phone conversation, a couple of text, and talk on my porch in the middle of the night. What he did do for me is make me come running back to the group and reread the Book.

He smokes weed daily-all day long. He does not work, he sells weed. He is raising his son alone or rather with the older lady that he lives with. I am slightly attracted to him physically but none whatsoever in other areas. What happened was that night on the porch I wanted him to want me. I tried to keep the conversation going, I tried to be interesting, likeable. What I realized was that I had no healed and that a year off did not change my patterns.

My interaction with him scared me. He said he was not happy in his relationship. He was looking for a good woman, he was ready to settle down. He keeps saying "i want to see you" but would never make a plan. He really wanted to come in my house- cheap, easy. Knowing all of this why did I even entertain the thought. He was as unavailable as the married guy from the gym that I try to avoid- while trying to keep his attention.

Since that meeting on my porch he has not attempted to contact me at all- and then last night at 11:30 he texted me- I was asleep. I woke up this morning looked at my phone and immediately I started to text him and say " Im sorry I missed your text last night, I was asleep. Good morning." Then my mind started to do what it always does and that is validate his absence or lack of interest. Maybe I said something wrong, maybe he thought I didn't like him. Oh, let me not forget to mention that the most of our conversation were about him saying my car is always home and I must never go anywhere or do anything. I kept trying to explain to him what I do and who I am but he would not hear it. I felt like he was putting me down and he kept saying oh, no I mean it in a nice way. It felt like a put down and he would not validate my experience- that is not a new pattern that I have with men.

I didn't text him back nor do I intend to. I don't have to delete his number or block him. I have to choose. I prayed and asked God for help and I told God that if he puts up a good effort I don't know that I will be able to not do it. Because at first I was telling myself I can just hang out with him and not want him. I have told myself that lie countless times. I cant just hang out, I cant just talk on the phone. I eventually start wanting them to want me, I start making their every move and behavior about me and my worth. Then I asked myself do you even want him and the answer is no but hell the answer really always has been no with most of the men I have ever dated. Despite everything I know I must be honest that if he calls during the day or comes by my home I am not sure I would turn him away. It took about a week before I stopped watching my phone like a hawk and even now when I go outside I still look to see if his car is home.

I can already see how he would give me crumbs, pop in and out of my life when it was convenient for him. I can hear the empty promises, I can feel the disappointment, I can feel the obsession, the wanting and waiting. Others would look at him and wonder how any woman could see him differently than he is. They don't have WWT2M eyes. In my eyes the woman he is staying with is not an obstacle- she barely exists in my mind. The little boy I would help raise. I could help him stop smoking weed- find him a job. Teach him how to be open, counsel him into being what I really want. I could ride off this fantasy for years all the while suffering in the relationship. Knowing all this I still struggled not to respond to his text.

I know that on a bad emotional day for me I will be tempted to call him. I know that I am avoiding my own pain, I know that this really is not about him but really about my own struggle with a life long pattern of trying to fix childhood trauma. I know that my caretaking is really about feeling safe and attempting not to be abandoned. But I also know that right now my no's are weak. My resolve to not do it again is paper thin. I wont make fake promises to you guys or too myself. He is not a strong temptation what the temptation is the avoidance, the fantasy, the "what if this is the real one" it is the what if no one ever comes, what if he is it. It is the fear of being alone, the fear of not being loved or lovable, accepted or validated. It is the desire to avoid the childhood feeling of being cast out, thrown away, of dying from a lack of love and care. That fear is still so strong in me that I cannot blame myself for trying to fix it by any means necessary. I am praying not that he loves me, not that he accepts me, not that this be the "one." My prayer today and it will be all day- that God cover and protect me from my own disease. I am not strong enough yet not to do it so just take him away. Let me miss every phone call, let me sleep through every text message. Change my mind and help to ease my own terror. I told God the truth. I cant do it by myself I need His help.