Izzy, I hope what I said wasn't offensive. I really appreciate what you said, though, that you understand how that could feel disrespectful. Personally, I haven't worked for a long time, so I imagine that probably factors in on how harsh I can be sometimes about judging people because I don't really have a great gauge internally for what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence. I do agree, and appreciate though, what you said about if I'm not comfortable, I'm not comfortable and it's okay to stick with the things that I am. I liked the Christian DV group better because I felt more loved and valued personally, whereas at the DV office, I felt more like a statistic than a person and I just can't tolerate that very much right now. :)

finn, I had a traumatic experience with withdrawal of a previous med I was on that I never should have been put on and then had to go on other meds to survive that. That was like a year and half ago.

The meds weren't prescribed to me for anxiety (although they do both affect/treat anxiety.) They were for akathisa, which I got severely and to be able to eat and experience a little pleasure in life, cause the other drug robbed me of that. It really messed me up.

So I've been tapering off of these drugs little by little over a year and a half now to try and allow my nervous system the opportunity to heal and function on it's own/normally again and I just get so tired of it. Even with making tiny cuts there are still withdrawal symptoms and it's been a year and half! I just feel like, "Enough already!" I want it to be done so I am diligent about making the cuts. My hope is that once I'm all the way off them, my nervous system will finally get a chance to heal.

I do have PTSD. I had it before I got involved in the abusive relationship with my ex but then it got a lot worse and I think I have severe adrenal fatigue from it all.

Dang it, I lost my posts again. Izzy and finn I just spent half and hour writing replies to you and then I accidentally hit something and lost it all again. Rrrr! This site doesn't save writing so if you accidentally go off page, you can't just hit back and retrieve it..and when I post stuff, it never posts normally either, its just goes on and on and then times itself out. Weird. Shoot! I'll have to try it again later. Thanks for you replies/input, though. I really do appreciate it.

Okay, well now it's back...I guess I somehow posted it.

OMG Diana, that intake person you described acted horrifically! In fact, it sounds like a cyclical attitude of abuse-- as if these women in charge are abusive themselves! Good for you for acknowledging your feelings. It does not sound like an empowering situation AT ALL. When counselors talk down to the counseled or have the attitude of "We are going to show you...you SHOULD BE DOING THIS", the power is being taken away from the person who needs to feel empowered.

It is common to feel suicidal once out of an abusive relationship, once the attention from the toxic partner has been withdrawn. In fact, it puts you in an infantile state where you feel as though your caregiver has abandoned you, and you think you are going to die. Thoughts of suicide come because the pain is so intense.

It is temporary, however, and as you gradually get into a psychologically healthier place--as your recovery progresses--things will improve. Be gentle with yourself, indulge yourself, think of this as intensive care. Intensive self-love and self-nurture care.

xoxox

Thanks, artgrrl. That makes sense....intensive care. The next step is probably to figure out how to block him so I don't keep looking for his texting but I'm reluctant to let go of him completely. What you said about the infantile state makes sense to me.

At my regular counseling appointment today I was trying to explain how I feel now he's really gone (at least temporarily) and she asked me to name the feeling and I couldn't put a label on it. Scared was the closest I got and I know am in pain/sad but the most accurate way I could describe it is, "Don't leave me!" So maybe it is all my abandonment pain surfacing. I hate it so much. I have had thoughts of suicide and also urges to hit/cut myself (although I'm not doing it.) I never have cut myself even though I've had the urge to at times but I have hit myself before in my worst moments of frustration and pain...maybe from having been abused/neglected as a child. I always did live with a lot of pain and isolation.

*hugs*

Thanks for helping me, guys. It really does make a difference. I feel a lot of light here.

I mean pain and frustration. I have experienced a lot of isolation, too, because of my social anxiety and tendency toward avoidance but I always had a high amount of pain and frustration growing up, constant ongoing abuse and no end to the cycle and no one to help me through it all. I got through it but I had to act like it was all okay when it never way and do everything myself and I guess I didn't turn out that great. I did the best that I could, though.

you've been through so much. love love love.

there is a book called betrayal bond...

Thinking of you and hope you are feeling better. Big hug to you....

Thanks, finn and lucidak. xoxo

I am still feeling down but a little bit better. Taking potassium seemed to help my mood a bit.

I decided to block him from text messaging tonight (or this morning.) I can't block calls with my service but I can block texts so now I won't be checking my phone all the time to see if he's texted. This is painful...and I felt scared, too after blocking him.

I'm always scared if I make active moves against him that it will enrage him and it'll be dangerous for me. I hope that's not the way it plays out. Maybe I wasn't ready to do it, maybe it's just one facet of his control over me (don't do it or else) kind of thing. Not sure but I just thought it would nice not to have to worry about whether he's going to text or not anymore. I'd just know there will never be texts. I hope I made the right decision. Ugh. Got insomnia again. Lately I've been waking up from 2 and staying awake until about 5:30 every night.

Something good is going on. I met with a peer counselor yesterday, she's an artist and really cool person. She is going to help me start working on my art as an avenue of healing/way to connect. It's nice as this point just to imagine my life can be different and I can have more things just for me.

Creativity is very healing. I find it gives me a sense of getting something done instead of just wallowing through day after day of pain. I've been doing alot of stuff around my home lately and it feels really good. Hang in there Diane. Leaving someone that scares you is the right move.

Thanks, swelsha!

just sending you a hug. xxx
I know how you are feeling, I am on anxiety meds too. Have just realised I have put on 12lb in 6 weeks UGH! SO was going to taper off them but after something trivial happened today and it severely affected me I think I need a bit longer!

SO don't beat yourself up for being human. Its ok. Be kind to yourself.
xxx

Thanks, sunnyjax!

I also just emptied out a beautiful notebook that I had stored information from a couple years ago about how to improve our relationship by healing myself (info that he had found for me/suggested to fix me, and of course it was a particular person's info/author because he thought she was hot) and I had paid for it and printed it out, he didn't even do that) and it is now going to be my art journal!

I'm liking the block. A few times today I had the urge to check my texts to see if there was anything from him and then thought, "Oh yeah, I don't have to do that anymore." :D

Glad things are improving...You are taking postives steps and each such step will make you stronger. Know that we are all here for you..Hugs..