I am feel so happy for you..Good job :) I am trying to get where you are. All I can think about is how much it hurts.. the lack of feelings for me from his end.

Gotta feel the pain and get through the hurt. It's the only healthy route.
Meditating helped me a lot early on.

Love yourself, take care of yourself, comfort yourself, nurture yourself, as if you were your own child.

It's great to hear you're feeling better Missmom :) I'm still at the stage of feeling the pain and being hurt. Like bubbles said, the lack of feelings for me, the rejection is very painful. I'm trying to keep the no contact as much as I can to avoid more pain and dissapointment. Still, barely seeing his pictures hurts.
It's been three weeks now and this weekend has been pretty sad. I guess the reality is sinking in more and more and I'm getting to realize that my fantasy is just a fantasy. Nothing more, nothing less.
Lots of love. Keeping my fingers crossed for your progress. xxx

Thank you ladies.
I don't know what to say that can possibly make it all better, except that it does get better. I know that feeling of hopelessness, liek there is no bottom. I'm telling you, it gets better. You'll start to care less and less how he feels and more and more how he used to make you feel. Like shit right?
For me, it was the constant anxiety that followed me everywhere when we were together. Anxiety over whether he'd call, whether, he'd come by, whether he'd invite me to his latest family function, whether he'd respond to my text, whether he'd ask how my son's doctor's appointment was, whether he'd offer to help me take down teh A-C unit, whether he'd want to have sex with me, whether he'd kiss me, whether he'd sleep over, whether he'd spoon me while we slept, whether he'd reciprocate my affections, whether he'd text me good night, whether he'd ever want to meet my family, whether he'd ever want to spend time with my son, whether he'd want me to be part of his life, whether he loved me, whether I loved him.
Anxiety, fear, emptiness.
So glad that's over.

More than like shit, it was like nothing. I don't know what's worse.
Anxiety, yes, over whether he'll act differently than last time, more affectionate, whether the kiss on the cheek will be different, whether he'll show any kind of interest in me as a woman, whether he's dating someone or not, whether why I'm not woman enough for him, etc.
Anxiety, fear and emptiness. That's it.

yeah. Nothing is right.
fck that

Oh God...thanks for the reminder. I completely needed it. The anxiety, reading and analyzing every damn text, looking for some sign that he is pulling away. It's like being in a constant state of holding your breath. I love what you said about missing the him we thought he was. Are we really just missing a fantasy we created? They showed us clearly what they really are. I was in love with what I wanted him to be, not what he truly was.

Miss mom, you are so right, that's what's we need to keep remembering.. I just don't know what it is that makes me focus so much on the rejection...

timetoheal, I think we create a fantasy where he is what we want him to be. And this is what we miss.
I'm also focused on rejection right now, I can't understand why I'm not attractive enough for him. It brings my self-esteem to the lowest level. But well, all in its time. Baby steps.

My self esteem is very fragile too. My abusive husband of 19 years did a big number on that.

My father did a big number on that and also my ex boyfriend. He's not the man I'm trying to get over right now but he also put my self-esteem to the lowest level.

It's wierd...I miss him (the fantasy) today. It's so screwed up how I'm totally aware of how unrealistic my expectations were, yet I still feel that pull at times. It's 4 weeks no since I've heard from him. Yes I feel the rejection, yes, I wonder about him. But I could never feel as shitty and as unworthy as I felt when we were 'together'.

Yup, I get that Miss. I am sad about him still. I do miss him but honestly, it was all so completely and constantly draining and disappointing. I lived with incredible disappointment at our every encounter. It isn't good for a person on ANY level and it is this lack that we must move on from.
I have had people tell me I look different (people who don't see me frequently). I think it wore on me--made me look tired, older.

Do you feel any relief Creo?

I do and don't. I had a two week set-back that definitely affected me but didn't stop me in my tracks. I think (and I know I am not alone in this way of thinking) that I still cannot believe that he did not/does not do whatever it takes to be with me. We stayed connected in some way for the past six months but I have slowly let go. He told me that his health is bad (I wrote about this in another post) in the midst of some heated texting and it threw me off. Yesterday and today I thought a lot about him being sick and my regret in not letting it/him go. I feel like it will heal me to wish him well, let all of this suffering go. I cannot be with him despite his procolamation by text a few days ago that he wished we could start over. We cannot. He is wrong for me and I am likely wrong for him. I don't want him to be sick and be not only physically estranged but hateful towards him. It is so hard to release it all.