Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
If I think back I can remember a time when I used to face up my confrontationers and feel calm and enjoy the exchange of ideas.
I cant work out when the fear set in but for a long time now the fear of confrontation has held me back.
My instinctive reaction is to walk/run away, leave the room or just concede and agree.
Today ( as every Friday) we have a visit from my in-laws, My NHs Mum and Dad both elderly.
This involves chatting and sitting drinking tea while eating lunch and cake I have prepared earlier...very civilised eh.
Today my NH decided to start bawling me out in front of his parents. I had mentioned that he had sacked my daughter as she had said she couldnt work with him anymore. She also said he taught differently to the other teachers. ( He teaches swimming to children) The point he bawled me out about was that she had said that he called her a 'fat ogre' to the children. At the time of the argument he had shrugged and said 'oh come on, it was a joke' so I took this to mean that he had said those words. Anyway during the conversation today I mentioned he had called her a fat ogre ....jeeez then he proceeded to bawl me out about not taking his side and how I always put words in his mouth... he was very angry and I was very embarrassed to be spoken of like this in front of his parents. I said yes ok, whatever, we will talk later..... but he continued with his rage accusing me of taking her side and of embellishing the truth 'as I always do'
I dont mean to go on about him and his behaviour but in this case I felt sick with fear and wanted to leave the room and leave the house to be honest.
How can I handle this type of confrontation ?
I always want to run but I know this isnt the answer. I could feel myself going red and sweaty.
I tried to stay calm and change the subject, his parents looked so awkward too.
I have read books on how to feel the fear and do it anyway, fear of confrontation
I would love any strategies please, when my instinct is to run or to comply when inside I am screaming....
xxx
I cant work out when the fear set in but for a long time now the fear of confrontation has held me back.
My instinctive reaction is to walk/run away, leave the room or just concede and agree.
Today ( as every Friday) we have a visit from my in-laws, My NHs Mum and Dad both elderly.
This involves chatting and sitting drinking tea while eating lunch and cake I have prepared earlier...very civilised eh.
Today my NH decided to start bawling me out in front of his parents. I had mentioned that he had sacked my daughter as she had said she couldnt work with him anymore. She also said he taught differently to the other teachers. ( He teaches swimming to children) The point he bawled me out about was that she had said that he called her a 'fat ogre' to the children. At the time of the argument he had shrugged and said 'oh come on, it was a joke' so I took this to mean that he had said those words. Anyway during the conversation today I mentioned he had called her a fat ogre ....jeeez then he proceeded to bawl me out about not taking his side and how I always put words in his mouth... he was very angry and I was very embarrassed to be spoken of like this in front of his parents. I said yes ok, whatever, we will talk later..... but he continued with his rage accusing me of taking her side and of embellishing the truth 'as I always do'
I dont mean to go on about him and his behaviour but in this case I felt sick with fear and wanted to leave the room and leave the house to be honest.
How can I handle this type of confrontation ?
I always want to run but I know this isnt the answer. I could feel myself going red and sweaty.
I tried to stay calm and change the subject, his parents looked so awkward too.
I have read books on how to feel the fear and do it anyway, fear of confrontation
I would love any strategies please, when my instinct is to run or to comply when inside I am screaming....
xxx
However, once I came to understand what's going on and learned how to deal with him, the quality of my life has much improved. Just the process of learning how to speak up for myself and not allowing him to control every move I make has been empowering. I'm in this for a long 25 years. It's not just his fault, I allowed it to happen and there are many reasons for that. I have to work on me first so this will never happen again. Baby steps:)
sometimes it's not really possible to work on yourself when you're living with someone constantly undermining you. like quitting smoking but living with a smoker....it would be that hard.
iagree butter it's abuse. and it says something about us when we stay on with that. luckily there are no judgments here!
When I talk to my friends ( the ones I have left!) they swing from, oh stop looking at all the negative things, work on the good things'...to 'hes horrible, leave now!' leaving me confused!
As for leaving, yes I need a plan and First I need to get ME sorted.
I have thought I should talk to him about all this instead of coming on here but I know I will get payback from this in some tit-for-tat way. siiiggghhh.
Just today I was asking him while we were waiting for a meal in a pub about a business meeting he had just come out of, asking in a calm interested and intelligent way ( or so I thought!) about his marketing strategy for the new busioness idea and how they were going to know who has done what, who would do sales, who would do project management ( its managment software for schools) you get the idea! ( he always moaned about his last wife not 'helping' him in his business, dont blame her!)
He turned to me and said ' for gawds sake you sound like your Dad, interogating me on every issue I havent worked out yet' ( he knows my Dad upset me by picking apart a business idea I had a few months ago) you think you know about business, pah!
.
I just turned calmly to him and said...'you really like to think you keep me in my place dont you.'
Silence.
HAH!
I think I am learning!
I did intend to say as ladybug said abot him being nasty and walking away but...think I did OK!
ladybug might not have gotten any flack but be prepared to NOT REACT after you've set your boundary! if you're willing to set it and walk away and he follows you you may need to get your keys and get in the car and go have a tea for 2 minutes....
my bullies made doing it so hard that the best thing for me to do was cut and run.......without a plan. i just had to get out.
Sunny, that was perfect! It gets easier every time. And you will feel much better about yourself that you refuse to let anyone treat you like crap;) And when your ready you will make your decision...
like water off a ducks back is the goal.....there is a way for codependents to "detach in a healthy way" as melodiy beattie writes about in codependent no more.....it's not easy but it really does work and it helps take the reactivity out of it......
there are all kinds of relationships out there. i know of a couple who were married (until he passed away) and they lived separately, i know of an alcoholic, active living with a codependent and she goes to alanon and she has figured out a waay to not take things personally. she sets limits about him using in the house but they are still married and together after many years.....there are all kinds of options out there.....you'll be inspired to leave OR NOT when it is time. just stay focused on yourself without getting derailed.
Then this weekend, when I was sailing, a woman on board I had only just met exposed herself as CLASSIC NARC with fragile self-image and went for me in front of a bar full of people, because I had noted she was competitive and actually said it in context and as a genuine compliment !! She went ballistic , jumped around like a 5 yr old, refused to get back on the boat and stormed off, she then stormed back , demanded to speak to the skipper and I was left sat on my own whilst her drama carried on outside !! I feel very vulnerable around any aggressive, loud or abusive people ( PTSD post 2 NHs!!) and I didn't handle it well, I started to cry and ran to the rest room!! Fortunately the crew had seen previous bad behaviour from her and comforted me . I didn't react by retaliating like most people would have done ,instead I removed myself from her line of fire !! These angry, abusive, Narc types are seemingly everywhere !! My general advice is as soon as one reveals their true colours or kicks off at you, get as far away as possible as quickly as possible and leave them to rot in their own self created hell hole !!!!
...I remember it well, we were at a dance, he suddenly dropped into the conversation he was working that weekend...I said oh and you never thought to tell me?...he went mad and said oh for fecks sake I cant fill you in on every detail....
I should have done one then eh...
it was such a turn around in his mood for a start. And I do think he should fill me in if he is working on a weekend when we were supposed to be going away. yeh I do.
but of course I sucked up to him and tried to smooth out the creases....