Wow. I would have probably left the room but I don't know if that is the healthy choice.
You don't have to sit and take it. Why would his parents not step in and try to diffuse it for you?

You can't change him. He has obvious anger issues which your assertiveness will give rise to. I would've left too. And not come back. You do not need this. Just my opinion. You seem so unhappy.

I suppose Im trying to figure out my boundaries...as for being happy...whats that!!!

hmm. if you are able to think on your toes kind of person, which i am not, there are some things you could say if something like this ever happens again.....

if you are not that kind of person either and you are flustered at this point, it's okay to leave the room and cool off and get your thoughts sorted out

at the point you are ready to talk to him all you can do is set a boundary. i wouldn't expect him to comply that's all. i would probably say something like in a really calm moment almost as if passing thought, you know it's not okay that you called XX a fat ogre and that's all i have to say about it. don't discuss it further. don't expect an apology. don't expect him to never do it again. i say setting the boundary as an important exercise for YOU and so you feel like you have said your peace and you are protecting your daughter. don't get into it with him. he is not the type of person, i'm guessing, that you can have a casual respectful disagreement/debate with....

keep taking care of yourself. your daughter needs to know you will stand up for her even if it doesn't change him....all based on presumptions. i say this....

So generally speaking does anyone have any tips for dealing with the fear of confrontation and bad feeling, arguments etc...

I need to be able to feel I can handle saying anything about issues which I am trying to set boundaries on for example without feeling sick that I am going to get the cold shoulder /big row/disdain etc.....

I did say to NH a bit later that ; 'I need to say to you that it was not ok to speak to me like that in front of your parents, if you have something you need to discuss then leave it til we are alone in future please.'
NH gave me a filthy look and went back to his paper.
but I kept my cool and felt I had at least laid down some sort of boundary if there is a next time!

My daughter ( who is 17, nearly 18) says men are like puppies and need firm training!!! Makes me smile!

....so after the casual comment I made about the bawling out in front of his parents....thought I had made my point but ha no! What was I thinking, so he waits until lights are off in bed, I am naked and vulnerable I guess he wants that, and then he starts about how he didnt call her FAT and the reason he shouted at me in front of his parents was to put me down and teach me a lesson about respect and not putting HIM down in front of his parents.
siiggghhh....!

So I went silent and tried to go to sleep.
Would love to know how to handle this...if you can give me any pointers ...?!

Im not too bothered ( not is my daughter) about him calling her a fat ogre, I know it was in front of the children and done in a jokey way....it was no big deal I didnt think...hes miffed I didnt believe him when he denied it. Im pretty sure he did call her that as I am sure he did not deny it at the time. My daughter is ok with it, its no big deal it was one of many points she called him out on. Good for her!

Sunny... reading this is very painful, how he used your vulnerability in bed to show you he's in charge and not willing to listen to you or let you express your legit opinion. What an awful controlling person he is. I wish I had some advice on confrontation but I don't, as I am really hopeless with it and I just usually step back - definitely confrontation is one of the skills I still need to learn. But I wonder if anything you'd try could work with this kind of person at all. He is not interested in rational discussion, in listening to you and paying attention to your words and emotions, and generally not respectful to you at all. I don't think a person like this can be approached with positive effect, no matter what tricks you use. I hope you manage to get out of this marriage soon. Wish you lots of strength.

Thanks P,
I am planning and saving....I need to work on my self in the meantime and learning how to cope with a bully is one of the things which has held me back in my life.

I suppose its all about self-belief and feeling the confidence inside that you are right.
It really matters to him that he is not seen as the one who called her 'fat ogre' but its ok for him to be seen to be the one who disrespected and belittled me.! He always goes out of his way to prove himself right. The reason he sacked her in the first place was because she criticised his teaching by saying he had a different technique to the other teachers. He cant see this isnt a criticism. Which is why he tried to humiliate her in the first place!
I know he is the one with more issues than me and this has proved that....which makes me both sad ( for him) and feel better at the same time!

My daughter and I have just had a day colouring our hair - mine is a disaster and waaaayyyy too dark - my daughters gone for ruby red - she rocks!!! Im off to get some colour remover!!!

dear sunny....you are focused on the content of this particular issue when as i see it it is about the process not the content. the process of course is that you are in this relationship and you have decided to stay for a period of time (why was that again??)

you are sensitive and vulnerable. i would protect myself and forget about confronting him period. you will not gain anything but more harm by being able to say something back in a confrontation with him. he will never give you what you want and he has proven through your very poignant example of being schooled in bed that your psychological safety is nota concern of his.

sunny if you are going to stay my best advice is to stay out of harm's way. he's a tyrant and you cannot change that. band together with your daughter and just avoid, ignore, get out of, agree with, do whatever you have to do to end his tyraid as quickly as possible so you can move on. on your end i think it would help if you spent your energy on getting yourself strong. he's such a bully, i know the type,, that you are afraid. not scared for your safety but afraid and it's true you cannot protect yourself or your daughter in the face of his bullshit.

i don't think anyone's giving you advice b/c there really is no way to stop him or change him. when i read your posts, please tell me where i'm wrong, it seems as if you want advice on how to give you the ability to survive a confrontation with him....i think the best thing is to diffuse it give him what he wants and keep yourself safe and out of harm's way.

you will not become the kind of person who can handle him b/c he will turn it up. bullies have endless stores of bullying behavior. it could get louder and stronger and more harmful.

sunny do not engage. instead end it as quickly as possible. this is only my advice to you. it's incredibly hard to suck it up to a bully who truly is 'wrong". i used to get in my love's face whenever he was angry. i remember one time he was hitting me it made me so angry i imulsively went off in his face....luckily he flew out of the door but it was very dangerous behavior on my part to get in the face of an abuser......i was doing that b/c i had had enough abuse in my life i wasn't going to bow down to him anymore or walk on eggshells one more time!!!! but the best thing for me would have been to stay out of harm's way b/c he almost always escalated. bully's usually win or so they think they do.

but you get to walk away in tact. i think you said you are planning on leaving after something for your daughter happens?????? just stay focused on your plan release the content, see the bigger picture for what it is and radically accept that he is a tyrant and you cannot confront him.....secretly store up your strength and courage to leave like a squirrel collects acorns and stay out of harm's way...

OK yes I understand and thank you.

My daughter is off to Uni in a year....thats why I have a year to plan and get strong and financially sorted.

I always struggle with standing up for myself and usually just do anything to avoid but I dont feel its an honest way to be and I want to live my life honestly in the future.

He isnt violent in anyway, Im not worried in that way. He does more harm psychologically and he knows it.
But yes I am trying to create a ear for myself of business and committments elsewhere. More self-preservation!

hopefully you took that advice with a grain of salt. this is only one opinion. it's my opinion based on my life with bullies.....plural......

to me it's about acceptance. this is who he is. it's unreasonable and irrational but he cannot do any better than he is doing at this time. and acceptance that you have made a choice to stay in this with him for a year whiich is a long time and a lot of bullshit.....but radically accepting these circumstances could potentially give you some freedom.

at this point it is about self preservation...or more of that. you can practice settting boundaries with him so when you move on in your life you would be an expert!! lol i mean to say stand up for yourself, don't take any abuse, but choose your battles wisely.

maybe you could seek more independence let your sassy self grow and develop despite his antics.....protecting your soft underbelly and new fledgling skills......YOUR life doesn' thave to be on hold for a year.

sunny are you sure you can make it????

...hmmm well we will see!

My main issue I think is that Im never sure what is bad behaviour or not - guess Im talking about red flags?! SO I need to ask people and see their reaction to things he says and does....or I just dont trust myself too.
Anyway its a work in progress....!

But if you came here that means you already noticed that things are not right and you are learning to tell the right behaviour from wrong, and you took the first steps. That's a great thing and I hope that now that you are on this path, there is no turning back. And we are here for you, remember that.

I suppose Im just still trying to work out if it is me or him / them!

So Im thinking if I work on me I will more be able to tell if it is them....or if my 'issues' in the past are what messed up things.
I know Im too sensitive, run from a fight, people pleaser etc etc.....
Im getting better I think!
x

Here's my 2 cents. My NH is the same way. I know all too well that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when they're raging at us. ANYONE who speaks to you in a demeaning way, calls you names, tries to intimidate you and then needs to turn the tables on you and BLAME YOU for their bad behavior whatever it may be has a serious problem. That's not acceptable behavior period. And that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach is the red flag! I never understood that either.

It's about CONTROL. He needs to always be in control so when you question him about his bad behavior he will rage at you in order to stop you and put you in your place because he knows he's intimidating you so next time you might think twice about questioning him. And it will never end. They wear you down until you stop asking questions, you cannot express any opinions of your own, unless of course they are exactly like his, you have no needs of your own. You basically become an extension of him. Just there to serve. And even when you do everything he says, he'll find something nasty to say just because he feels like it, for fun. And don't be embarrassed in front of his parents. I guarantee you they know all about his bad behavior. It's their fault he's like that. Either they never stopped him from acting badly when he was young or he learned it from one of them. My NH is exactly like his father was and wants me to put up with it like his mother did.
I'm still with mine also, I have teenage children.

I'll tell you what I did, but take it for what it's worth, I don't know you or your husband, this works for me. And it did get WORSE for more than a year because he had to ramp it up to try and intimidate me so I would go back to the way I was. He knew he had lost CONTROL and was desperately trying to regain it. Nothing physical, just verbal.

It's simple really...when he has something nasty to say I just say that's nasty not going to talk to you now. And walk away from him. or you're mom put up with that I'm not. or now I know why you have a problem with EVERYONE. You get the idea. Don't listen walk away, but tell him why you're walking away. I don't argue with him. That's what he wants. I don't give him the satisfaction of being able to say nasty things to me any more. Think of him as a 5 yr old. Would you listen and argue with a 5 yr old? NO, you'd put him in time out right? That's what they are big babies. Mine did it in bed too. Because you're sort of trapped. Guess what? We're not, I get up and sleep in another room. Sometimes for as long as a week or even 2 if I have too.
Then he gives me the silent treatment as a punishment. But that's ok. That's his problem not mine. Just remember that. IT'S HIS PROBLEM NOT YOURS!

It sounds so simple but I know it's really hard to do. After you cut him off the first time, it gets easier and easier. I finally feel my universe shifting.

But remember you need to figure out WHY you're in this position in the first place. There is a reason. I figured out mine.

Good Luck