SO there we are...Im sitting in the pub again...with NH...waiting for dinner this time...and Im asking about his work AGAIN! and I realise it is always me doing the asking...so I bring this up - why is it always me dragging information out of you? Why dont you ever tell me about your day, your work? Its like pulling teeth?!
He says but I just told you about my work, I need to sort out this and that for next week?! He doesnt get what I mean at all.

Then I get my lightbulb moment...thats being emotionally unavailable?!
Is that it - he cant share 'himself'. He never shares any thing he has done or ideas he has or feelings he has about anything...unless I ask him specific questions, then he looks at me like Im prying and out of line.
Is that what being emotionally unavailable means?or have I missed the point?

Also I wanted to share something else which happened.
MyNH always has to be the knight in shining armour to anyone in distress, whether its part of being an ex-policeman or just wanting the praise/love/adoration Im never sure. Its nice but quite annoying as he has abandoned me many times to go 'help' someone!
SO there we are in the Pub, two children were getting upset and grumpy while they were waiting for their Mum to finish work. So NH goes to the bar and asks for a pen and paper, goes over to the children and teaches them how to play noughts and crosses. Leaving me on my own of course! He comes back and we eat dinner ( its specials night £1.50 for chilli and rice! Bargain!)
A little later we get chatting ( I started chatting to this lady while sitting on my own as he was with the children!) to a couple on the next table...the lady asked NH why he was so different with me than when he was with the children. She said to him ' I saw you with the children, why arent you that man when you are with your wife. You are like Jekyl and Hyde. You were lovely with the kids but you come back over here and its all finger tapping and foot twitching, you look so different too in your face?! Whats going on with that?!
He didnt respond, just shrugged.

But I thought it was such an interesting observation.
We walked home later after a few wines, I felt far too squiffy to have had two glasses of wine and it seems he had put double measures in my spritzer and extra brandy in my Baileys! Jeeez. anyway. He kept asking me why I couldnt give him a list of reasons why I loved him. ( now at the beginning of our relationship I did this three times but he says I never did!) and to be honest I told him I couldnt give him a list as I didnt feel I knew him at all!
And I don't, he is a closed book to me.( ...and Im not sure I love him, but I kept that bit to myself!!!)

I do feel better for having a strategy to manage his malicious manipulation.
The night before he had been out to play some golf with his son, I was glad to see them spend some time together. As we were going to bed I said, jeez you're tired after that golf, maybe you nipped off for the afternoon with some floozie instead like that guy in the paper ( some guy joined a golf club to give him the opportunity to have an affair!) I was joking about it and he had been in a jokey mood too...but he turned on me saying...well you should know you called Andrew to check up on me....I said I hadn't done that and wouldn't ever. ( I hadn't!)
He kept on about it, about me checking up on him...I even had to show him my phone to prove it.

I said ' Honey I can assure you I have no interest in policeing your behaviour. Dont think I didn't notice how you manipulated that conversation from a joke about you to a shitty accusation against me. You think you are so clever but Im on to you. Go to sleep.'

I was shocked he he turned it around like that. But I am on to him!
Im feeling stronger everyday, so sooner or later the Jekyl and Hyde will return.....but Im getting ready!

x sorry that was so long!