Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
SO there we are...Im sitting in the pub again...with NH...waiting for dinner this time...and Im asking about his work AGAIN! and I realise it is always me doing the asking...so I bring this up - why is it always me dragging information out of you? Why dont you ever tell me about your day, your work? Its like pulling teeth?!
He says but I just told you about my work, I need to sort out this and that for next week?! He doesnt get what I mean at all.
Then I get my lightbulb moment...thats being emotionally unavailable?!
Is that it - he cant share 'himself'. He never shares any thing he has done or ideas he has or feelings he has about anything...unless I ask him specific questions, then he looks at me like Im prying and out of line.
Is that what being emotionally unavailable means?or have I missed the point?
Also I wanted to share something else which happened.
MyNH always has to be the knight in shining armour to anyone in distress, whether its part of being an ex-policeman or just wanting the praise/love/adoration Im never sure. Its nice but quite annoying as he has abandoned me many times to go 'help' someone!
SO there we are in the Pub, two children were getting upset and grumpy while they were waiting for their Mum to finish work. So NH goes to the bar and asks for a pen and paper, goes over to the children and teaches them how to play noughts and crosses. Leaving me on my own of course! He comes back and we eat dinner ( its specials night £1.50 for chilli and rice! Bargain!)
A little later we get chatting ( I started chatting to this lady while sitting on my own as he was with the children!) to a couple on the next table...the lady asked NH why he was so different with me than when he was with the children. She said to him ' I saw you with the children, why arent you that man when you are with your wife. You are like Jekyl and Hyde. You were lovely with the kids but you come back over here and its all finger tapping and foot twitching, you look so different too in your face?! Whats going on with that?!
He didnt respond, just shrugged.
But I thought it was such an interesting observation.
We walked home later after a few wines, I felt far too squiffy to have had two glasses of wine and it seems he had put double measures in my spritzer and extra brandy in my Baileys! Jeeez. anyway. He kept asking me why I couldnt give him a list of reasons why I loved him. ( now at the beginning of our relationship I did this three times but he says I never did!) and to be honest I told him I couldnt give him a list as I didnt feel I knew him at all!
And I don't, he is a closed book to me.( ...and Im not sure I love him, but I kept that bit to myself!!!)
I do feel better for having a strategy to manage his malicious manipulation.
The night before he had been out to play some golf with his son, I was glad to see them spend some time together. As we were going to bed I said, jeez you're tired after that golf, maybe you nipped off for the afternoon with some floozie instead like that guy in the paper ( some guy joined a golf club to give him the opportunity to have an affair!) I was joking about it and he had been in a jokey mood too...but he turned on me saying...well you should know you called Andrew to check up on me....I said I hadn't done that and wouldn't ever. ( I hadn't!)
He kept on about it, about me checking up on him...I even had to show him my phone to prove it.
I said ' Honey I can assure you I have no interest in policeing your behaviour. Dont think I didn't notice how you manipulated that conversation from a joke about you to a shitty accusation against me. You think you are so clever but Im on to you. Go to sleep.'
I was shocked he he turned it around like that. But I am on to him!
Im feeling stronger everyday, so sooner or later the Jekyl and Hyde will return.....but Im getting ready!
x sorry that was so long!
He says but I just told you about my work, I need to sort out this and that for next week?! He doesnt get what I mean at all.
Then I get my lightbulb moment...thats being emotionally unavailable?!
Is that it - he cant share 'himself'. He never shares any thing he has done or ideas he has or feelings he has about anything...unless I ask him specific questions, then he looks at me like Im prying and out of line.
Is that what being emotionally unavailable means?or have I missed the point?
Also I wanted to share something else which happened.
MyNH always has to be the knight in shining armour to anyone in distress, whether its part of being an ex-policeman or just wanting the praise/love/adoration Im never sure. Its nice but quite annoying as he has abandoned me many times to go 'help' someone!
SO there we are in the Pub, two children were getting upset and grumpy while they were waiting for their Mum to finish work. So NH goes to the bar and asks for a pen and paper, goes over to the children and teaches them how to play noughts and crosses. Leaving me on my own of course! He comes back and we eat dinner ( its specials night £1.50 for chilli and rice! Bargain!)
A little later we get chatting ( I started chatting to this lady while sitting on my own as he was with the children!) to a couple on the next table...the lady asked NH why he was so different with me than when he was with the children. She said to him ' I saw you with the children, why arent you that man when you are with your wife. You are like Jekyl and Hyde. You were lovely with the kids but you come back over here and its all finger tapping and foot twitching, you look so different too in your face?! Whats going on with that?!
He didnt respond, just shrugged.
But I thought it was such an interesting observation.
We walked home later after a few wines, I felt far too squiffy to have had two glasses of wine and it seems he had put double measures in my spritzer and extra brandy in my Baileys! Jeeez. anyway. He kept asking me why I couldnt give him a list of reasons why I loved him. ( now at the beginning of our relationship I did this three times but he says I never did!) and to be honest I told him I couldnt give him a list as I didnt feel I knew him at all!
And I don't, he is a closed book to me.( ...and Im not sure I love him, but I kept that bit to myself!!!)
I do feel better for having a strategy to manage his malicious manipulation.
The night before he had been out to play some golf with his son, I was glad to see them spend some time together. As we were going to bed I said, jeez you're tired after that golf, maybe you nipped off for the afternoon with some floozie instead like that guy in the paper ( some guy joined a golf club to give him the opportunity to have an affair!) I was joking about it and he had been in a jokey mood too...but he turned on me saying...well you should know you called Andrew to check up on me....I said I hadn't done that and wouldn't ever. ( I hadn't!)
He kept on about it, about me checking up on him...I even had to show him my phone to prove it.
I said ' Honey I can assure you I have no interest in policeing your behaviour. Dont think I didn't notice how you manipulated that conversation from a joke about you to a shitty accusation against me. You think you are so clever but Im on to you. Go to sleep.'
I was shocked he he turned it around like that. But I am on to him!
Im feeling stronger everyday, so sooner or later the Jekyl and Hyde will return.....but Im getting ready!
x sorry that was so long!
...so whats likely to happen next? boredom?affairs? please share so I can be aware?!!!
I know I am probably a trophy wife for him, he parades me around like a show pony sometimes!
He however is fat and fifty....!!! jeez what was I thinking, well clearly I wasnt eh!
this is what bothers me about you relying on the narcissism thing.....it's not really about that. not to mention no one can tell you what's in his mind or how he's gonna react or what he's gonna do next or how this is going to go or how it's going to end.
try to stay focused on staying out of power struggles and setting hard fast boundaries not open for discussion. this relationship is going to end or not end when you decide to end it. whether you wait a year or get out now this decision is in your hands.
as long as you keep the focus on him and what he's doing and saying and how he's manipulated you you lose the opportunity to take responsibility for your part in this sunny.....he is only acting this way b/c you are staying in it with him. you can't expect him to be any other way.
also you can safely rely on your own instincts. you've been with him long enough to know his mo. his games. how he thinks and where you need to protect yourself and your kids.
i'm pretty sure butter would agree that she can't predict what comes next for you too.........
we all have very similar experiences here b/c most of our men have characteristics in common. let's relate on that. it's an invitation to you to open this page up to take a broader look at your relationship far beyond narcissism. i'm interested in supporting you and celebrating your succeses over this next year. as far as your husband goes it's clear he's an assclown!!
Im not sure how to get to where I want to be, I thought maybe a goals list?!
Daily, monthly, this time next year etc.
I am doing the counselling, finishing my degree. and am applying for a job! Just part time in the local deli so I dont need a car I can walk to it. My NH uses the car to manipulate what I do. ( we share it and he says he needs it, I cant use it etc I had a car which he made me sell promising me a better one...which didnt happen)
I feel ashamed I have made another bad choice which is also affecting my reluctance to leave, as well as being trapped, skint, and unable to rent another house as I have no job!
anyway, onwards and upwards! x
just accept the rest and keep working hard on the things you're working on. your degree... is that anyway you can sock a little money away somewhere for yourself??
i understand the shame and you are also coming here and being extremely honest and you are admitting yourl part and that is staring shame right in the face!!!! you haven't done anything wrong sunny. what if it's possible that you were supposed to marry this guy for whatever reason and now you've grown and realized that you deserve better???? it's that a miracle????
it's in the moving forward where you cut away from the unhealthy part of the part of you that allowed victimization and grabbing your true power that has always been there and taking a stand against being a victim. you are moving forward sunny even if you're stuck living there for a year or so.....take your wings and fly. don't let anything stop you from growing outside of this relationship. you might not be able to share it with him ie he won't appreciate it but you can set yourself up for an amazing life........
it's in making a plan..........how can you get money? when will you get your degree? what will you do with it?? how can you get a car?? can you spend less time with him and more time wtih your kids? your friends?? can you build up friendships again???
"all the world is made of faith and trust and pixie dust" peter pan.....
just keep on showing up and buiking up your chances for the most success post relationship.
you talk a lot about him and what he does and how you plan to leave however i can't recall hearing about your emotions related to this whole experience. you've said you feel ashamed. do you have anger? sadness? are you afraid of him?? what intimidates you about leaving?? what happens in you when calls your daughter a fat ogre?? how are you relating to your daughter about this relationship?? are you able to talk to her about it?? are you telling her that you plan to get out and this is not what you want to model for her??? where are YOU sister?????
please don't overlook the successes that you already have. learning how to set had fast boundaries with no opening for discussion is not an easy job. you'll make mistakes and that's okay. experiment, practice. this stuff could come in handy for you for the rest of your ilfe!
what would a woman in a domestic violence situation do in the UK? would there be financial assistance for her to leave??? just curious......here there would only be that kind of assistance if she had to flee to a shelter. but maybe it's different in the UK?? just curious.
counseling is EXCELLENT! see you are not pattin gyourself on the back enough........
I have done some research and I think as a student I can rent a room in a house.
When I met my NH he had nothing and I had beautiful things in my house, it took me a lot of scrimping and saving to buy nice quality furniture for my house. So contemplating leaving I would be starting over again and leaving it all to him if I just walk. But so be it, its only stuff right.
As for saving, he does keep giving me some cash for my purse so I save some of that every time he gives some to me! Its a start.
He is a generous man financially.
We have a good lifestyle. Weekends away , dinners out etc and when he wants to be he is fun but I hate the way he flashes the cash and buys drinks for people and tips too much. but the lifestyle is too high a price to pay....especially when I get no say in what we do or where we go...just trot along like I am told.
I did bring this up last night and he told me to stop feeling so sorry for myself. (!)
So now the new school term has started I know he will become mean and nasty so I am waiting and watching. I am also taking notes of his behaviour.
I started a weight loss programme today - this lifestyle is not good for me, I look stressed, puffy and old! So Im going to look after myself!
the us has no options either unless she wants to go to a shelter.
i hated it but in the end of my marriage i lost ALOT of money i the divorce b/c he wanted a fight i needed the fight to end. the money was rightfully mine and it wasn't petty cash. it just wan't worth my sanity.
it's good you can save some....starting now you won't be sorry.... i wish he felt like being the fun guy more often!
I spend WAAAYYY too much on clothes etc to try and make myself feel better - I have to be 'pretty' no slobbing in joggers for me! then I look in my wardrobe and feel sick at the money I have spent, its a self-esteem thing I know, but no more. Saving for me.
I bought a little mini trampoline to work out on, it wasnt the cheapest but it is so quiet I can bounce without anyone hearing - and its SO MUCH FUN!!!
i cried until eventually i started to let it go so i didn't meam to imply it was an easy process. he took my motorcycle which i probably won't be able to replace!
but i took the dog and my cat and the quilt my godmother made me and beat the hell out of there. and you know what??? fast forward to where i am now?? there's no space for any of that stuff and i'm too fat to ride my bike now....it all works out i guess.
in court he got 50K dollars that was mine too.
i took the higher road in my divorce. and i feel better about myself.
all that to say i know it's not going to be easy, no one takes that lightly. you will lose out and have some grief over lost "Stuff" and lost life and lost love and lost dreams.......and you will start again.
I am working on sorting and selling things to make it easier for me to walk away....I have so much stuff I was keeping for the grand kids etc. but really it just weighs you down.
Funny what 2B said about the underwear - I dressed up for NH one time and he couldnt perform at all - said he felt overwhelmed and intimidated!!! Yeh I felt great that night!
We are walking round each other at the moment, he knows something is up but wont ask me...and I dont want to start a conversation I am not prepared to finish yet....but something will have to be said and that time is coming! I dont want to start an argument so Im waiting for the next time he acts inappropriately then I will respond!
Im confused at his attitude towards relationships and marriage, he sits on the sofa just waiting to be waited on - he says 'no one has ever looked after me better than you, even my Mum...' its like he just has no idea what to do?! He randomly pulled the dishwasher out yesterday so I could clean behind it - I said what! - well why cant you clean behind it!? He just looked at me and walked off. I pushed it right back in and walked away.
I know I put waaaay too much energy into trying to figure him out - Im getting extra wrinkles from frowning at him in disbelief!!!! lol x