Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I am losing my mind! I can't seem to let go. I e-mailed my husband that it was over. Done. And I was ok. That was this morning. Now he e-mailed me back and is saying that he is angry at all the stuff I have done to him. He is only reacting to my horrible actions I have taken. But still no word on if WE are done. I can't seem to get a clear answer from him and every time I let go, he sends me a glimmer of hope. It is horrible horrible horrible. I can't function, I am not eating or sleeping and am having another panic attack. I have never felt this way before. I feel like I am going crazy. I know it is my responding to him that is keeping me crazy, but I still love him, I can't let him go. Please help me.
this helps round out the picture...thank you!
He was a nothing of a husband. Not bad just no emotions ever. He lived in his own world and was happy there. I on the other hand as my therapist stated "was living and wandering around in this vast desert for way way too long." Searching for love and companionship. Searching for my worth in someone who had none of their own.
But as I say this I also think about my past 19 years of life with him. Life happened and memories and bonds were formed. This is what I am missing right now. And my sick brain tells me that I may never have that again or at least not for a long time. That is the addiction. The relationship is better than nothing. Also I have feelings of being a failure. I liked the idea and feeling of being married. I was proud of sticking to the commitment of marriage. I felt good and strong to say that I was married for 16 years. We actually split up 10 years ago when I got sober, where apart for 2 years and got back together. Life was amazing for the first 5 years after that. He got sober also and we did things, had friends, and he participated in the family life. I felt like I had the miracle story. When I went back it was not because I loved him so much though but because I did not want to raise my kids with yet another divorce. Split my time. I was being selfish. But as I went back and made a commitment I became happy and we fell in love again. Then as time went by he began to go back into himself. He stopped participating as much and became miserable. All he did was commute and work. That is when the expensive vacations started happening. I thought we just needed quality time alone. But then the vacations started not to be fun. So I started taking the kids with us so that I could enjoy myself. Then I decided that maybe if he lived somewhere out of the snow he would be happier and we could start again to get close. Well the move only made things worse. He really liked where we moved to because now he could play around on the land and keep himself busy and be very happy isolated from others. I now see the progressive pattern of me trying desperately to make him happy. I left myself behind. I was so consumed with him.
And now there will be no more him so I feel terribly lost. I really related to that feeling of a lost identity. The fear of not knowing who I am or where I am headed is awful. There are also all the feelings of using him for my sick self to feel secure. All the awful things I have done to him out of fear and reacting to it. I have a lot of guilt and shame and lonliness at the same time. How do you deal with all these feelings? I know they will change periodically throughout the day and some will be replaced by others, but is it good to just sit with them? how do you process all this? or do you just keep going and pretend like it all never happened?
Really glad it is a better day. You can't pretend those feelings of guilt and shame and loneliness doesn't exist. Only thing that will make it better is to accept them and forgive yourself for feeling those feelings. You did the best you could with how you knew at the time. When the thoughts come, recognize them and acknowledge them but don't dwell on them. Drag yourself back to the present by focusing on a task at hand or something from Finn's awesome list. Don't beat yourself up for feeling them.
A lot of the stuff you described about your marriage comes about because are trying to adhere to an ideal of "shoulds". A marriage should last forever, children should be brought up by both parents, a woman should have a man by her side..When I realised that none of those shoulds held true for me despite every trick in the book, I sort of had a breakdown because I failed. Now I know they are someone else's shoulds and life is what it is...
It goes back to your childhood, and talks about the "attachment hunger phase" of an infant, which is a normal one. When you didn't get your needs met by your parents, this phase continues on, into your adult life, and comes strongly into play in our love relationships, causing dependency and misery.
Basically, we have to understand when we are operating on this infant phase, or our adult self, which does not have addictions to people, but has mature, mutually caring relationships, that would never destroy us if they were to end.
I like also the quote from the book in my previous e-mail, that when we are alone, away from our addicted relationship, we are actually developing our identity, instead of being diminished.
That has helped me a lot. I am 4 months into the break-up of a 10-year relationship, that had become a pretty addictive one in my life, even though the first years didn't seem to be. But, it's tricky - maybe those first years had some of the addictive elements in them too.
Love to everyone tonight.
Susan