Shani,

I am not sure what to say here. But I wanted to reach out to you and let you know that I was here and that I heard your cry. Breath- this too shall pass. Let me ask you does he have to decide or can you decide for yourself whether it is over or whether or not you want to wait around awhile and see what will happen. The need to know right now can send any of us over the edge. But can you just for tonight let it all go. Let go of the need to know, the need to have him back, the need to decide.

For me the hardest part of my relationship was the endless cycle of disappointment. We would have a disagreement- I would be disappointed- then he would promise to do things differently. I would watch him, and warn him, or try to prevent him from disappointing me again but it just kept happening- over and over again. When we broke up he said, "next time I will do it differently." and I realized that he would not and that I had a choice in this moment. I could pretend like I believed him- I could close my mouth, my ears, and eyes and enjoy a few days or a few moments where he was being who I wanted him to be---knowing full well that he would disappoint me again. Or I could get off the ride, walk out, and let him go. I told him "this is the next time because you said that last time" and after that our relationship was over.

I don't regret for one moment making the choice that I made. I know that if I had said ok- he would still continue to do what he had always done. I realize now that my relationship with him was never about making the relationship work- in order for me to heal and grow I had to end that relationship. I had to go through the experience of choosing me over the promise of having a man in my life. Lesson learned and now I am moving on.

Be well Shani, I send you nothing but love- and good vibes to get you through this dark night of the soul. We all go through the dark night but morning come always.

IZZY thank you. I need to take better care of myself and I need to let go. I am going to pray for the willingness to let go. It is all fear. It overtakes me if I let it and I was so tired today and had not eaten that it took me over. I wish I could just go to bed. I desperately need to be around people today, but have so much work to do, my deadline is next wed and I keep putting the work off. This will only sabotage me. I have to try and dig deep. Thank you for your response.

If you would like to talk...im here I could be your sounding board. Tell me what is really going on what are you feeling. No judgements.

I just asked him point blank to tell me if he is still interested now or in the future of possibly saving our marriage. He FINALLY answered with a simple no. It is what I have been waiting to hear. It is a bit of a relief but there is great fear. I fear that I will be alone. I fear that I a failure. I fear that I will never find anyone as good as he was, that I was the selfish one. But I also feel relief. Relief that the pain will be the worst now and just get better from here. I am scared. Like a small child I am just scared to death!

I guess I am scared of all the work I have to do. You see if he still loved me and wanted me back I could distract myself with working on the relationship. I might have decided that he was no good then, but it would have been my decision. I am terrified to have to make all my own decisions now. I feel like I might have jumped the gun by leaving him and now I get to pay for my mistake. Everyone has told me how badly I treated him when I left and they are right. I probably am feeling a lot of guilt for my actions. For not caring about him when he felt like I do right now. He always had a way of making me feel like everything was my fault. Like I am a spoiled child who had it all and gave it up. I relied on him 100% for my financial security. I also relied on him for my personal security. Hell I relied on him for everything. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

He might have just given u the greatest gift in the world...your freedom.

Yes maybe. I'm too angry and sad to think about good. I was just wiping out his e-mails and found one from just 6 weeks ago. Said he wanted me to know that he was very much still in love with me. That made me angry. He fucked with my head for the last 6 weeks. No more. I am going to hang out with a friend now. Sit on her couch and cry and be a baby. I deserve it. Have a huge feel sorry for Shani and then tomorrow it's back to work. I will check in tomorrow. Thank you so much for your support today IZZY it was a life savor.

you can't hide honey. your pain will catch up to you one way or another. now, with him or with the next.

in my opinion you need some coping skills urgently!!! this is the only way you will be able to tolerate the intensity of your pain and emotion. are you willing to make a commitment to yourself to help yourself get through this and stop dodging it??

have you moved out yet?? shani. i really care about you. i don't judge you at all. i understand your pain and why you made the decisions you have made. i do wonder if you put him in a bad situation and then pressured him for an immediate answer based on your own needs and inability to tolerate the outcome of your choices. i have to wonder if he said no b/c he wasn't ready yet. he asked for time and you didn't give it to him. i don't know what it was like or what kind of husband he was to you . i can only assume that it didn't feel very good or i imagine you wouldn't have gone outisd your marriage. however, nothing has changed with him i'm certain of that. i believe it's your disease that is telling you you want him back. shani
i think you ARE using him to distract yourself anyway.

you are not standing still yet. standing still with your arms empty on your own two feet. but i know and trust that you can get there if you take your hands off of him and your hooks out of any man at all. you're gonna be okay. i know the pain is so intense it feels like you will die. and i promise you that if you can stand still and let it happen that very shortly it will pass and you will be still standing there but proud that you made it. you won't even believe that you could make it through that kind of pain.... you can. i assure you...... there is nothing so bad or wrong or ugly or broken or defective about you or your thoughts or your choices that you can't live with. i know a murderer in prison who killed his brother who found a reason to live through the pain.

these are lists of my own personal coping and self soothing and how to take care of myself lists........... when all else fails and it's SEVERE, grab some ice and hold it and feel it and watch it and notice how it feels melting ALL THE WAY in your hands...

COPING SKILLS
>asking for help
>persisting
>honesty
>crying
>self respect
>taking good care of your body
>listing your options
>reminding yourself what you are living for: kids, pets, parents, truth, god, justice, love, etc.
>doing the best you can with what you have
>setting a boundary
>practticing compassion (including self compassion)
>talking yourself through it (cheerleading yourself)
>creating mental pictures that help you feel different
>pacing yourself
>seek understanding, not blame
>if one way doesn't work, try another
>create a new story
>avoid avoidable suffering
>get organized
>watch for danger signs
>focusing on what matters
>discover what you can do
>go to doctor's visits
>say what you really feel
>listen to your needs
>structure your day
>set an action plan
>soothing talk
>trust the process
>replace destructive activities
>focus on now
>praise yourself
>self-nurture
>let go of destructive relationships
>take responsibility
>detach from emotional pain
>learn from experience
>solve the problem
>pan it out
>reward yourself
>setbacks are not failures
>tolerate the feeling, no feeling is final
>create hobbies
>when in doubt, don't
>do the right thing
>prioritize healing
>reach for community resources
>notice what you CAN control

SELF-SOOTHING
>be mindful
>meditate
>breathing
>letting go
>calmness
>journaling
>daydreaming
>find your security blanket
>hug a teddy bear
>pamper yourself
>sleeping
>soaking
>self-hypnosis
>massages
>yoga
>aromatherapy
>cleaning
>shopping (within your means)
>knitting
>make a bucket list
>hobbies
>cyberspace
>blogging
>venting
>petting a pet
>volunteering
>bubble baths37 minutes ago · Like

Wendy Renee Holthaus >fresh sheets
>fresh pajamas
>new pajamas
>soak your feet
>sit outside for 15 minutes (bundled up or with sunscreen)
>make a hot chocolate with milk
>buy fresh flowers *put a few in every room*
>light some candles
>bubble bath of course
>wash your car
>go have a special coffee or tea drink
>play loud soothing music
>manicure/pedicure
>exercise
>yoga
>books on tape
>rent comedy movies get popcorn
>volunteer
>pet animals
>brush your hair 100 times
>go to the dentist for teeth cleaning
>massages
>aromatherapy
>get a bird house and hang it in a window
>send a letter to a friend hand written
>buy a trashy novel, stop working so hard, enjoy reading
>water the garden
>plant a plant in the dirt
>open all the windows, get some fresh air
>break out your camera and take some pics
>make an on line donation to your favorite charity
>write a ietter to a congressman/woman
>go to the beauty supply store and buy a deep conditioner or use beer or vinegar or mayo, do a special conditioning
>bake some cookies
>cook a healthy meal, invite a friend
>take the night off from cooking and get take out
>tape your favorite shows and watch them in your pajamas all weekend
>make a fire
>boil some mulling spices
>go hang out at a book store. get lost. when inspired buy a book.
>start a new hobby.
>finish a project
>walk in the grass barefoot.
>polish your jewelry
>clean your computer
>sync your clocks
>start a project for your children or nieces and nephews, video taped messages….
when i was so depressed all i could do was step out of bed some days.

>have pizza delivered
>buy some fun striped paper straws and have a diet coke with a straw on the patio or deck
>put up a special string of lights (with paper lanterns or twig baskets) in your house turn them on every rainy day.
>get into scrap booking or smash booking or make a special photo album journal with your favorite quotes, collages, meaningful words, write. copy daily meditations that speak to you. use bright pens and washi tape.
>pamper your hands. cuticle wax, file, massage, exfoliate and paint if you like.
>did i mention to snuggle up with a pet?? brush them. do their toe nails, brush their teeth, clean their ears. pet non stop as long as they will stay still.
>play angry music and dance!
>i got into embroidering note cards. so cute!
>go through your shoes and get rid of some. then go to zappos and order one new pair.
>buy a new pillow.
>go to frozen yogurt and indulge.
>try a new recipe.
>offer to help out a friend who is overwhelmed. or just bring groceries over and make them some dinner.
>have kids spend the night and have a pajama party. make microwave smores and tell ghost stories.
>buy a lava lamp or a music box and use often.
>my favorite smell is freshly wet dirt. i ordered a perfume from www.demeterfragrances.com or a candle
>make some dog cookies home made.
>buy some new underwear and bras or a new nightie.
>make a joy jar. eveyrtime something wonderful happens no matter how small write it down nd put it in your joy jar. on new years go through your jar and look at all the wonderful things that have happened!!! you can also include all of your accomplishments during the year!!
>throw yourself a party.
>pay close attention to a friend that is having a hard time. be there for them throughout their struggle. show up for them. take them out on a saturday. take them shopping or distract them. bring them flowers. write them cards and send them through snail mail. text them, thinking about you……be a great friend to someone who needs you despite your own problems.
>create some new traditions for your kids or your family and keep them going every year. we had donut sundays. my bestie had bagel sundays. it can be for a holiday or just because.
>go do something you wouldn't normally do. go to a museum or art exhibit or to a concert. go to the library. have a picnic. something out of the ordinary for you. go for a hike.
>organize something.
>organize everything one thing at a time.
>go give some horses some carrots and watch them…watch them carefully. how they interact with you. what do they like? what don't they like?? horses are incredibly intuitive.
>research something you've always been curious about….
make amends to someone…demeterfragrances.com - demeterfragrances Resources and Information. This website is for sale! www.demeterfragrances.comdemeterfragrances.com is your first and best source for information about demete...See More

Hi Shani, Glad you are with a friend. Just wanted to say I am here too and that I am sending you lots of love. I know very well about wanting the other person to make the decision. I hated having the responsibility of breaking up..And yes I understand your fears too about what comes after. But I promise you it will be much better than the never never land you have been living in with him....I am in that place today and it feels really good. It is ok to feel how you are feeling right now. You are only human, so don't be too hard on yourself. This too shall pass....Big hug.....

((((((HUG))))))) it sounds very painful. Love to you.

Finnmyway - That is an awesome list! I'm going to save it & revert back to it!!! Shani - Please be stronger than you have before. We are here for you! Use us to get yourself to the otherside!!

To everyone, and especially Shani,

I've been interested in the idea of relationships as addictions. The definition of an addiction is continuing something that is destructive to us. That is what we do when we stay in a relationship that is bad for us, for any reason.

The book "HOW TO BREAK YOUR ADDICTION TO A PERSON" by Howard Halpern has been so helpful to me. He talks about the tormenting despair and anguish we feel when trying to leave an addictive relationship. He describes it as our losing our sense of self, and feeling like we no longer exist. He says that when you leave, or are left , you may feel:
"that your identity is weak or cloud-like or fragmented - but these feelings distort the fact that you are a solid and whole person. Any feelings of insubstantiality you may have are coming from a time early in your childhood when your sense of a separate and independent self was very shaky and just getting formed.

But now your identity does not depend on being connected to another person. In fact, being connected in an addictive way to another person, though giving you the ILLUSION of identity, is a sure way to FURTHER WEAKEN YOUR SENSE OF WHO YOU, AS A SEPARATE BEING, REALLY ARE.

That really makes sense to me - that's exactly how I've felt. When I was addicted to someone, I felt the illusion of identity, but was actually becoming weaker and shakier at my inner core.

Maybe this helps. I really recommend this book.

Everyone have a good Tuesday.

Love,

Susanaluz

This is an interesting coincidence Susan I just wrote a post on a similar idea. I do agree that the addiction to the person helps fufill the fantasy of an idea of who we want to be. I know that at the end of each relationship I felt like I had no identity.

I tried to submit a reply, but, something didn't get transmitted.

Anyway, it was about the book "How to Break Your Addiction To A Person", by Howard Halpern. Our relationships are like any addiction - we stay even when it is really bad for us.

He says that when we are in an addictive relationship, it gives us the "ILLUSION OF IDENTITY". But, in reality, we are "FURTHER WEAKENING WHO WE, AS A SEPARATE BEING, REALLY ARE".

That makes sense to me, as the agonizing torment we feel when leaving a relationship, or being left, makes us almost feel that we no longer exist. Our sense of self seems to evaporate.

I think this book is extremely helpful.

I hope this reply makes it through.

Love to everyone today.

I guess my reply did get submitted the first time - sorry for submitting the same thing twice.

Hi Izzy - yes I agree. I think that may be at the root of the torment we feel when someone is no longer there - that we, ourselves, are also no longer there.