Wow! This is.so on point! Needed this today...

Some of these I felt even before I met him. I think the hardest part of letting go for me was the thought of starting over- or maybe not meeting anyone else. I was so tired of him, tired of wanting, wishing, waiting. I was just tired all the time. That relationship started to rob me of any peace and joy I had. But in the beginning I enjoyed being with him, talking to him. I realize now that in the beginning I was riding high off of the fantasy. I was imagining all of these wonderful things that were going to happen but they never did. As the relationship got longer I just saw more and more of who he was and more of who I was. It was painful and I am now glad that it is over. No more wondering, second guessing everything I did or say. Now my pain is my own and so is my peace and my comfort. I told him at the end is that the only reason we are still together is because we are both scared to be alone. There was no love between us really it was just fear. I hope that he is well- really I do. I don't regret our relationship because through it I changed. But I am so thankful that it is over and that it only lasted for two years. I could not imagine how I would be feeling or where I would be mentally if he and I were still together. I am also proud of myself for letting it go.

I am having a lot of trouble letting go of my hubby. I think I held on way toooo long and now I have so much fear. I am scared a lot of the time. I am trying to imagine my life completely without him and it scares me. I checked off a lot of the boxes but still do not have the power to let go. I let go for a day and then get sad the next. I am so angry at him now and I know anger only masks fear. Somedays I hate him and I know that hate only masks love. Is it just time that I need or is it warped thinking? The other thing is that I always thought I could go back. I always thought he would always be there and take me back. Well he did not and has moved on. Why can't I?

Izzy, your response is exactly what I'm feeling. It was just the fantasy. There wasn't ever a real connection for me and my commitment phobe because he wasn't even capable of communicating. He wasn't capable of letting anyone get close to him. He couldn't even have a conversation. Every time I was around him, I was the one doing ALL the work trying to build a relationship and connection. Always asking him about himself, his life, etc. Nothing was reciprocated, he had horrible communication skills. We never went out and did things together because of his fears. So we were either working on my house or watching a movie. The physical chemistry was great but that was all there was. Nothing meaningful. But I kept telling myself there could be. We had common hobbies but due to his fears, we never shared in any of them. I would think about how great we would be financially if we merged our lives together (both having good-paying government IT jobs). I would fantasize about being able to finally pay off credit card debt and have someone around the house to spend time with. He lacked all the qualities I seek in a man: honesty, trustworthiness, communication, integrity, reliability, openness, etc. I kept thinking he would get better if I could break through his walls. Everything got worse and worse, by leaps and bounds, in a very short amount of time. But I was just so tired of being alone (single 9 years) and he wasn't a psychopath for a change, so I was desperate to make it work. But I was the only one working. This is my 4th extremely short-lived "relationship" in 9 yrs and I don't understand why I can't even be in a relationship at all. There are so many dysfunctional relationships out there and I can't have one at all. Not even something that resembles a relationship for a few months. They all burn out after a few weeks, before they even get off the ground. And they've all had personality disorders. Extreme behavior/emotional problems. I'm so tired of it.

I have let go of him, finally. I will not chase him anymore. It's been over 3 months of hell. I want my life back.

Thank you lovely ladies for your thoughtful respones.
Izzy, I too said to him in the last few months that he was with me only because he couldn't face the thought of being alone. By that stage, I was starting to see how much simpler my life would be without the push pull drama...

Shani - even being able to tick the boxes, I couldn't let go. Eventually I made him angry enough, he broke it off. I was too cowardly to make the decision.

AgentSmith. My ex found himself a girlfriend 3 weeks before he moved out of our house and 5 years on this month, they are still together. I didn't date for another 2 and a half years after that and I can relate very well to what you say about the fantasy...If only I met the right guy my life would be wonderful. I am finally realising that there is no magic fix. No prince charming..It is up to me to be happy in myself...

I really needed this post today, I am really struggling to let my ex go, I just can't make the conscious effort to say...I'm done, goodbye. Almost everything Agentsmith wrote applies to my ex. I tried so hard to break through the walls of his insecurities to make sure he knew I loved him, that he was worth loving but he still left me and I need to figure out how to move on. I really miss him, I can't describe the pain and emptiness I am feeling even 8 months later. It's so hard. He once said I would be better off without him, maybe he is right and in the long run he did me a favor, it just doesn't feel like it right now.

For me I allow myself to feel the pain and really cry about once a day. Other than that I am diving deep into why I behave the way I do and how to change. How to find my love in myself. So I am trying to do all the stupid little things people, books, videos, therapist, etc tell me to do. It is helping.

I was just reading a site last night on Buddhism with Thich nhat hanh. He said that we need to feel the pain, the anger, the depression. He said that they are in us at all times and it is just a matter of how much energy we give them that keeps them going. If we can see them and feel them and discover the roots of the emotion than we can know what to do or not to do to give them less energy. And if we give more energy to the good emotions than we can develop them and allow them to grow. But we cannot ignore or push away our negative emotions. That is only giving them more energy and they will surface in other areas until we pay attention to them. It was a very interesting article.

Letting go is not easy and an issue which we feel is important to us will bring in it's share of disturbances. I feel trying to focus too much on how we can get rid of this feeling won't help. But we can tell ourselves one thing and can be very sure about it that it will pass. It won't be permanent. Don't make attempts to think or not think about it. Just try to divert yourself by maintaining a routine...like meals at proper times...exercising...going out with friends...watching some television.....there has to be routine. I feel during days which are overtly obsessive ....sticking to a routine helps. The thought process with fade out gradually. Just keep breathing and don't ignore yourself in such times. Take care.

Yougospam, I think we have all been there, but there is a lot of merit in what Kuhu says about it not being permanent and that sticking to a routine and just getting on with life will help take the focus off obsessing about someone else and put the focus on you.

Shani, when you say " all the stupid little things people, books, videos, therapist, etc tell me to do", you are referring to something similiar? Thinking does my head in and I like the idea of allowing yourself the luxury of grieving once a day..No judgement, just "be" with your grief..

Kuhu, your advice is very practical and it is what I find works for me the most. Yesterday was the first day of school, so after I dropped my son off, the day was pretty much my own. I made sure I was fully occupied for most of it and I kept focussing on the good feelings I got as I did each thing..It is very easy to sit at home and obsess when you don't have structure in your day..

We are all human and this is human emotion. There is no escaping any of this. But if you think of it in terms of wasting our time on this earth thinking about another human being who is either not good for us or doesn't want us when we could be doing something good for ourselves, at least for me, it becomes a bit easier to let go..Much love.

Lucidak I am paying close attention to how I feel when I do something. Especially the things that make me feel good. It amazes me what little things I can do to give myself a brief wonderful feeling. I think this might be a little bit of loving myself?

Shani, you have just set the scene for my next post...I had been thinking of it all day and this is the first chance I had to sit at the computer...Your reply makes me think it was meant to be written:)...

I have to say I feel better today. Yesterday my friend, who has been with me thru thick and thin, who came to our wedding in 2007 took me to lunch and basically told me point blank that my ex will never come back, he is not the type to make contact (we have been no contact for about 4 months) and he is truly done with me. Once I realized that I can no longer live in the past and that in order to heal I need to let go and look towards my future, w/out HIM I was able to do just that. As hard as it has been these past 8 months, I realized this past week that I was going backwards in my healing.......so ladies, I am moving on, I am letting go and hanging onto hope for a happier, healthy future. If I meet someone down the road I want to be in a good place and not dwelling on my ex. Time to let go of the what if's, maybe's and the why's, all destructive to my healing. Whew, I'm going to make it, I really am and so are all of you!!

Yay! Good for you, yougospam..I am cheering you on and here if you need support...Much love.

Yougospam I am really happy for you. Here is a question for you that I often ask myself these days. Why don't you think you WILL have a much happier and loving relationship in the future than you did with your ex? For some reason I have no trust or faith that my future is only going to get better as I am willing to grow and change. I have found that trust is a big issue for me. I am also fearful of the unknown. It is hard for me to trust in something I cannot see or control the outcome of. I think we look back because we KNOW what that was. Even if it was not good we KNOW what we will get. The future is unknown. But the future is our only hope of a better life. I need to remind myself to ALWAYS try to move forward and not look back.

good question, I loved being married this time around, in the beginning anyway, he made it easy to fall in love with him, marriage was a natural progression with us and I had no fears of marrying him, it just felt right. That being said, next time around, and I do hope there is a next, I am going to watch for red flags, my ex had many but I thought my love for him would fix them, they didn't. Next time I'm going to look at his relationship history, my ex has only been in 3 relationships and he left both of the others just like he left me, just different reasons, the first one he had kids with so he left them too!!!! Next time, I'm going to see what kind of relationship he has with his family, my ex was totally controlled by his father and his brother-I thought he would start relying on my judgment and ask me for advice when we got married, not them...never happened. I would see what kind of relationship he has with his kids, my ex didn't have much of a relationship with his kids and when I said lets have them over, it hardly happened, he didn't want to impose on their time saying they were to busy to spend time with him/us. Next time I want a man who has income, pays his bills and worries about future responsibility and planning, one who does have dreams and ideas and goes after them instead of living day to day. I am also going to be more aware of his nature. My ex is very easy going, one of the things I loved about him but that easy going attitude let him slack on responsibility saying he'll get to things when he gets to them, which rarely happened. He always had excuses for his lack of interest, his lack of concern, his lack of committing, he could not take responsibility for any of his actions, so that is a big flag that I will be more aware of. He liked everything I did, another plus in my eyes but in reality it was just because he couldn't make decisions or want to take responsibility if things failed. He was very secretive in things, his bills, his computer, his phone yet I always trusted him and gave him the benefit of the doubt. I caught him in some lies so yes I worry about that and not sure how to get around that one, I usually am a trusting person and thought he would never lie to me.

I don't know where I'm going with this ramble, lol, but I am just trying to say that I do have hope for a future relationship and hopefully my new man will love me as much and as deeply as I love him back. I do believe in love, I believe in marriage and I believe all things happen for a reason in their own time. I know that I was a good wife, and treated my ex with love, respect and did all the things that a wife should do for her man and I will do the same with my future man. I am a nice person and didn't do anything to justify his walking out so I don't doubt myself in that area. I'm just going to look a little deeper before falling in love, take off the rose colored glasses a bit earlier next time.
It was getting past the heartache that slowed down my healing, I never thought I'd recover and at times I didn't want to.
think life would be sad if we didn't continue forward with faith and hope for a better life, but I also believe that we must love and heal ourselves first, then let fate step in. So instead of looking in the rear view mirror all of the time, we need to look out the front windshield and keep going forward (quote from my therapist)

thanks for reading if you still are ;) I'm a little long winded today!!