The bad boys CAN be enticing; certainly that edge of adrenaline can add a certain spice to a relationship. But, we have to remember that bad boys rarely have any desire for a complete commitment. ANd keep ourselves back just that tiny bit that will allow us to maintain our objectivity.

Maybe so. Remember though that what's boring to us may be attractive to somebody else. I think it's important to work on one's own definition of attractive, hence the law of attraction. Perhaps being with somebody who is self-sufficient will give you the opportunity to focus on yourself this time round, that's just a wild guess of course. I say use this time to continue or expand your focus on healing.

Its just that women who are used to abuse and negative attention, do not realize when a man is bad for them, there arent the red flags that others would run from.
example.... Guy just got out of prison, easy to talk to, good lookin, not well dressed, living with his mom right now, says he has a hard time getting a job cause of the record, tells us he plans to be a helicopter piliot, already has the connections, and partial license, and has begun flying. but he needs a job for the money to finish school.

Healthy Women perspective
OUT OF PRISION: they hope he learned, may smile at him then walk off, maybe have a short conversation.
GOOD LOOKIN NOT WELL DRESSED: hmm.... nice eyes.... needs to shop though
LIVING WITH MOTHER/NO JOB: loser!!! no thanks!!
HELICOPTER PILOT: yeah right mister, you go a head and do that. have a dream. i wouldn't be on your plane.
ALREADY STARTED CLASSES/FLYING: sure whatever, what video game do you play?
NEEDS JOB TO FINISH SCHOOL? yea, ya sure do, and while your at it get some decent clothes on and have something interesting to talk about while your at it.

Healthy women have no problem saying NO.

A WWLTM says

out of prision, i wonder what happened to him to make him do what he did, he deserves a break, his parents just didnt love him.
Good looking, not well dressed, i know what kind of clothes he would look good in!
Living with mother/no job? Oh, he probably has been helping around the house so much, and its hard to get a job after what he has been through. if he had the right support he could do anything.
helicopter pilot? great! already started? thats wonderful, (wow he's gonna make lots of money, and im already picturing myself at his side when the success happens, and i'll be there for him through everything)
Needs a job to finish school? no problem, i know a friend that might hire him, maybe down the road when i trust him more i can help him get a loan. I'll show him what its like to have someone at his side, to have support, a real friend.

see the difference? the WWLTM has taken it upon herself to "help" him.

It sounds to me like you are well on your way to understanding what the end goal is; strong instincts that guide you away from a guy who is nothing but bad news. Now you just have to learn to keep your guard up and pay attention to your instincts.

I have learned myself, a little overboard at that because i know what i am prone to feel like and do, and where that would lead me, so im more of a "bitch" LOL. i kinda ignore most men now. just dont feel like wasting my time and energy, i spent too much on those old relationships, and too much time getting to where i am now.
its all about me now, im wonderfully selfish, in stead of self-LESS. i still have alot of problems with confusion, anger, and the feeling that my "good guy" relationship is lacking and boring, cause i dont have the everyday ups and downs and dramatic influences.

I see your point. What's selfish about wanting to be safe though? It's only fair for us, who have fallen victim to abuse and negative attention, to place ourselves in an evironment that society deems safe. I agree that nice can sometimes be boring, but I'd prefer to use the term safe instead of boring because there's absolutely nothing fun about abuse or negative attention, it's affects are so damaging that at times we believe we are unworthy of anything good and worse yet we get caught up in it's ugly world thinking everything is just as it should be.

You are so right ella, and its an awful position to find yourself in, cause then the confusion comes.
I guess this discussion was worded wrong, i just took words from the book, its more like, you dont notice nice guys, not that you shrug your shoulders and think, what a bore!!! i want a danger man!!!
you just really dont notice that they are even there. i guess no "spark"
then this guy comes along, he seems nice, charming, has similar interests, and thats all we see, we dont see the "red flags" and when we do realize something is wrong, we are incapable of just dropping the relationship then and there, we drag it out. that is why i say WONDERFULLY SELFISH. it really does feel good to be able to say that. its about how ME MYSELF AND I feel about the relationship. when before it was about understanding him, why he does what he does, and making excuses. now i dont care, i dont care what happened to him as a child, what his ex did in their divorce, how hard his life has been. you better get over it buddy and treat me well, or you shouldnt even be in a relationship. and if anyone wants to hit me, push me, or even raise a hand to me again, i will knock them through to next tuesday.

Okay, maybe I didn't see your point at first, I'm starting to get the picture. I look forward to finding out about ways to remedy the boredom of a stable relationship I can only hope to one day experience.

you can totally experience a stable relationship, it is entirely possible and with in your reach. just have to retrain your way of thinking when it comes to men, it takes work, but it is possible, and you seem more than willing. while you will never be completely "cured" you will learn to live, and live well, without the emotional crap.
you are totally worth a great man. you are a very smart and intellegent individual.

You know, I believe that entirely, and that you are worth all the goodness that life has to offer.

AWWW..... hugs : )

You know, thinking about this subject, ive been having problems myself. my bf, is totally a "nice guy" he does things for me, and does not put me down, and is there if i need him to be.
but for some reason he ANNOYS me. i mean really annoys me, especially lately. its like an internal battle to keep my temper in check and not put him down. sometimes i even think of breaking it off with him.
but then where would i be? alone, looking for another relationship, and have to go through all the antics of "getting to know someone" again. i hate that, i personally have had enough of it, especially with the bad men who are different than you think, and blow your mind about 6 months into the relationship with how bad they treat you, just when you think you got to know them.
i dont want to get to know anyone else. but sometimes i dont want him ither,, i keep thinking sometimes that i can do better, that I need more or something. but i know i dont, what more could i want really?
he is kind, he has good credit, he is in the navy, he has goals, he pays most my bills. what more could i really ask for? i wonder if i will always feel like this, if i will always feel like something is missing. and i realize, the reason i was "so in love" before was because of the drama. the ups and downs and the wonderful im sorry, i'll change, having him admit that it was his fault. and the feeling that he really did love me, it was just all so intense. and the sex was always good, i dont get this ither. i was always trying to impress them somehow or something, or i was always ready when they asked. now with this guy, whom i love but its just not so intense. well, i dont know if its the anti depressants that im on or just me, but i dont want him touching me, and this has been going on for about 2 months. i really feel bad and confused about all this. i feel that i should be happy, but really im not. and honestly, i really dont have the guts to break up with him for no reason. so its taking it one day at a time for me. I just want the confusion to end. if it is even possible.

I can understand how we feel like we need to be in relationships where we are useful. When you feel like you have nothing to offer a man that is completely independent it is hard to see where we fit in. I recently dealt with a man like this. I felt as if I had nothing to offer. When I did try and help him he didn't seem to want to accept my help because he was so used to do it all by himself.

I want a nice guy to an extent. I don't want someone that is a pushover. I want a man that is in control and that can still be a gentleman. I want someone that needs me in their life.

Thats exactly the kind of thinking we need to get rid of. we want some one who needs us.....
but what we need is someone who appreciates us, and worries about our needs.
and the problem with nice guys, is they do seem like pushovers to us, because we are used to the drama and used to catering to someone trying to make them love us, we are used to harsh ways and words.
and used to having to work for what we want and making sacrifices for those we love.
a nice guy just gives, and when he does that we see him as weak, and will often walk all over him and attack him, also they hardly register on the "radar", so we rarely find them. trust me, i am going through that just now.
i am with a "nice guy" and i see him as a pushover most times, i attack him, until he leaves. i dont know, i just cant help myself, i get so annoyed, and so angry and frustrated with him. but because of this WWLTM problem, i dont know what real is, i dont know if we are just not compatible, or if i am attacking him because i am messed up.
He pays my bills, he respects me, and does things for me. all i really do is clean up after him, we live together. but i seem to want more, and i think to myself that it is ridiculous. that what more could i want?
then i wonder if im just settling, if there is something more out there, i mean, will i always wonder??? will i ever be happy? will i ever feel content? i dont know. so shortly ago, i loved him beyond measure, i was happy, and considered myself SO lucky to have him, because he was so kind and treated me so well.
but now, how could i have such a complete turnaround in my emotions?
i dont know.

OMG this is sooooooooooooooo true of me :0( I got chills when I read this and it brings back so many memories. It's like you got inside of my head and wrote out a detailed description of my personnality. That is so scary.....but the really scary part is working to over come this horrible trait.

Its true, and it is very very hard to do, im still not over it, i dont know if i never will be, but i can say that looking back a year or so ago, i am a stronger person.