Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
As you may have read in my last posts, I left my AH 3 months ago. He went on a cruise over Christmas with his new girlfriend that he just admitted having two days ago. He told our Kids that he was going with a co-worker.
After not having any contact for 2 months, he was waiting for me by my car after I had taught my exercise class. He wanted to talk.We stood in the parking lot and talked for 4 hours. He was his old charming self. He wanted to talk about the legal issues. He said he wanted to resolve them quickly so that I can have clarity about my future etc.
He was so caring and nice. But the whole time he was talking I kept asking myself what does he really want. I don't trust this new nice person as far as I can throw him. He is a narcisisst. And he does not do anything unless he gains something out of it. In the conversation it came out that he met someone in May. This fits to the time that he started treating me really badly. He made things so bad that I left him (although he was in therapy) in October. He did this so that he could say I left him and he wouldn't look bad .
He always denied that he had someone but I never believed him. And now he admitted to me that he has someone but they are only very close friends and they don't have sex! How stupid does he think I am. He has been seeing her almost every weekend since I left and spent Christmas with her on a cruise!!!! But in sayng this he did seem more at peace. He told me he has his drinking under control. He seemed like a man ready to move on and totally in love. I AM SOOO CRUSHED!!! 23 years of marriage and now he is giving up drinking for someone else!!
He has called all our freinds this week and is trying to mend relationships. He even called his sister after no contact for 10 years. Everyone is very suspicious of his behavior. And although he doesn't say it directly, he indicates that now that I'm gone his main reason for drinking is solved. Can this be true??
He is completely different at the moment. He wants to by me out of our house and I think he wants to move his new girlfriend in. And all this in just 3 months!! I have no words!!! He's treating me like a business deal. He has completely moved on as far as me and our marriage! The kids are also confused by him. No one trusts this new and improved version. Too many changes in such a short time! Unless I really was the reason for his drinking. Is he finally getting it together for another woman?
Any thoughts! Experiences? Insight?
After not having any contact for 2 months, he was waiting for me by my car after I had taught my exercise class. He wanted to talk.We stood in the parking lot and talked for 4 hours. He was his old charming self. He wanted to talk about the legal issues. He said he wanted to resolve them quickly so that I can have clarity about my future etc.
He was so caring and nice. But the whole time he was talking I kept asking myself what does he really want. I don't trust this new nice person as far as I can throw him. He is a narcisisst. And he does not do anything unless he gains something out of it. In the conversation it came out that he met someone in May. This fits to the time that he started treating me really badly. He made things so bad that I left him (although he was in therapy) in October. He did this so that he could say I left him and he wouldn't look bad .
He always denied that he had someone but I never believed him. And now he admitted to me that he has someone but they are only very close friends and they don't have sex! How stupid does he think I am. He has been seeing her almost every weekend since I left and spent Christmas with her on a cruise!!!! But in sayng this he did seem more at peace. He told me he has his drinking under control. He seemed like a man ready to move on and totally in love. I AM SOOO CRUSHED!!! 23 years of marriage and now he is giving up drinking for someone else!!
He has called all our freinds this week and is trying to mend relationships. He even called his sister after no contact for 10 years. Everyone is very suspicious of his behavior. And although he doesn't say it directly, he indicates that now that I'm gone his main reason for drinking is solved. Can this be true??
He is completely different at the moment. He wants to by me out of our house and I think he wants to move his new girlfriend in. And all this in just 3 months!! I have no words!!! He's treating me like a business deal. He has completely moved on as far as me and our marriage! The kids are also confused by him. No one trusts this new and improved version. Too many changes in such a short time! Unless I really was the reason for his drinking. Is he finally getting it together for another woman?
Any thoughts! Experiences? Insight?
I'm not familiar with bi polar. I 'm going on line now to read about it.His behavior is very crazy right now. He seems out of control and not very stable. It scares me. I don't ever want to be alone with him. Just can't wait to have him out of my life entirely!!!!!
Please keep yourself safe. Do you need a restraining order? Can you block all his access to you and force him to go through your attorney. Maybe this is a conversation to have with your attorney due to his crazy unpredictable behavior and his attitude to win at all costs.
I don't know if you read in my posts that I live in Germany. I'm sooo very lucky because in Germany if you are having personal or health problems, you along with your Doctor, can apply for a cure. I was approved for a 5 week cure to work all of this out. You get released from work with pay. Its a great social benefit here. Anyway thats where I am now. I have private and group therapy, massages, exercise classes, meditation, art therapy and so on. I only have to concentrate on myself. But it is also very emotional. All of the hurt, betrayal and anger has really surfaced. I'm working through it all and hoping that after the 5 weeks I can really let go and move on. Crazy but I still miss him!
So sorry you are going through this. Its all so hard! Keep me updated on how its going. And I will do the same. This next year will be a big adjustment year. I wish you lots of strength. Hugs!!
My AH gave me a list of the household items he wants in the property settlement, and mentioned that he quit drinking and might be seeking joint custody. I am hurt that he would not even cut back on the drinking after I told him several times that it made him mean and me afraid of him, but he'll quit now. I wasn't even asking him to quit, just to cut back. When he announced that he quit drinking, that is what reminded me of your post. I guess our marriage was not a good enough reason to stop. I don't know if there is anyone else in his life at this point, but it would not surprise me. He lost a lot of weight. In a way, I am lucky that he was abusive, because unlike several people who post here, I do not miss my AH. At least not at this stage. The last time I expressed my concern to my lawyer about him looking for joint custody, she told me I need not worry. I'll need to ask her again, now that he has supposedly quit drinking. When I do get angry, it is mostly about money...I worked and saved, I put up with his abuse, and now my reward is splitting my money and possessions with him.
@11Christmases...I have always wondered if my ex and I fought about possessions during our divorce would it have made it easier for me to move on. Instead we were actively talking about getting back together down the road when he got his act together. All of this while he lived with OW that caused the split. Don't worry it is extremely difficult for an alcoholic to stay not drinking and cannot imagine him staying not drinking if he isn't working some type of program especially when his head is probably going 50mph with thoughts. My ex did lose weight (and didn't need to) but I believe it was because he did not want to lose his buzz by eating and wouldn't eat until he was done drinking for the night and lots of night he never got done drinking and didn't take the effort to get food so that may be what is going on.
Al anon can be focused on divorcing...seems to differ per meeting. Based on if the attendees were divorced from the alcoholic or still in a relationship. I went during a time when I was trying to reconcile. I really need to attend now but its hard to force myself to take the time since I am not in a relationship now with an alcoholic.
I too struggle with the emotions of divorce and feel that splitting from an alcoholic puts you in a different place than other divorces. Kind of like the rules you posted about. Good luck. No quick answer but time really makes a difference and there are good days and bad days.
Also, the same controlling, manipulative personality is still there. Over the weekend, he wanted to come back to the house in a few hours to walk through and itemize what he was taking. I said I would think about it. I thought back to my promise to myself, to set a boundary, that I would not be alone in the house with him and no other adults. I asked my lawyer to get her input. She said OK as long as I felt safe. Finally, I decided in the interest of moving forward, I would let him come in, but I would wait outside so as not to engage him. When he came back to the house, he wanted me to walk through with him, but instead, I handed him a notebook and a pen to write the items himself, and told him my lawyer and I would have to go through it first anyway before I could agree (her advice). He seemed a little irritated that I would not join him. Soon I figured out that he was planning to point out what he wanted, and stand there and make me write it down for him. Then of course, he could get impatient with me if I wrote too slowly or asked a question. Then he could remind me again that I was the one who wanted a divorce (shaming me, and taking no responsibility). That is the type of thing he would do every day for the past several years: make me stop what I'm doing, to take over something he can and should do himself, and if I dare
decline to do so, he could start a fight. So, I guess it doesn't matter so much if he quit drinking, since his narcissistic, controlling personality has not changed. It hurt for a while that he would quit, though, and the doubt creeps in now and then, that I could have done something differently. I guess that doubt is something most of us will have to deal with!
Sorry if I have hijacked the thread here, but the stories are so similar it seemed repetitive to start a new one. Thanks again for commenting.
So you are right, even if the drinking has stopped, he is still a jerk!!! He can't be trusted and he doesn't follow through with anything he says!!! He only thinks about himself!! I don't think he will stop drinking forever. He's just taking a drinking break!
Our stories are amazingly alike!!! It's unbelievable!!! Best wishes !!!
Best wishes to you also. You are a few months further down the road than I am. I'll be studying your posts.
Its all so ugly and hurtful but I'm not giving in to everything he wants. I have to think of me and my future. I have a great lawyer and he is looking after my best interests. Sounds like you have a good one too. We need to protect ourselves from these controlling manipulators!!
My Ah is also in a hurry to get things finalized. I'm assuming its because of the OW. Is that what you think too?
I only work part-time so he will have to pay alimony. You can imagine how much he hates that but thats the way it is in Germany.