Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
As you may have read in my last posts, I left my AH 3 months ago. He went on a cruise over Christmas with his new girlfriend that he just admitted having two days ago. He told our Kids that he was going with a co-worker.
After not having any contact for 2 months, he was waiting for me by my car after I had taught my exercise class. He wanted to talk.We stood in the parking lot and talked for 4 hours. He was his old charming self. He wanted to talk about the legal issues. He said he wanted to resolve them quickly so that I can have clarity about my future etc.
He was so caring and nice. But the whole time he was talking I kept asking myself what does he really want. I don't trust this new nice person as far as I can throw him. He is a narcisisst. And he does not do anything unless he gains something out of it. In the conversation it came out that he met someone in May. This fits to the time that he started treating me really badly. He made things so bad that I left him (although he was in therapy) in October. He did this so that he could say I left him and he wouldn't look bad .
He always denied that he had someone but I never believed him. And now he admitted to me that he has someone but they are only very close friends and they don't have sex! How stupid does he think I am. He has been seeing her almost every weekend since I left and spent Christmas with her on a cruise!!!! But in sayng this he did seem more at peace. He told me he has his drinking under control. He seemed like a man ready to move on and totally in love. I AM SOOO CRUSHED!!! 23 years of marriage and now he is giving up drinking for someone else!!
He has called all our freinds this week and is trying to mend relationships. He even called his sister after no contact for 10 years. Everyone is very suspicious of his behavior. And although he doesn't say it directly, he indicates that now that I'm gone his main reason for drinking is solved. Can this be true??
He is completely different at the moment. He wants to by me out of our house and I think he wants to move his new girlfriend in. And all this in just 3 months!! I have no words!!! He's treating me like a business deal. He has completely moved on as far as me and our marriage! The kids are also confused by him. No one trusts this new and improved version. Too many changes in such a short time! Unless I really was the reason for his drinking. Is he finally getting it together for another woman?
Any thoughts! Experiences? Insight?
After not having any contact for 2 months, he was waiting for me by my car after I had taught my exercise class. He wanted to talk.We stood in the parking lot and talked for 4 hours. He was his old charming self. He wanted to talk about the legal issues. He said he wanted to resolve them quickly so that I can have clarity about my future etc.
He was so caring and nice. But the whole time he was talking I kept asking myself what does he really want. I don't trust this new nice person as far as I can throw him. He is a narcisisst. And he does not do anything unless he gains something out of it. In the conversation it came out that he met someone in May. This fits to the time that he started treating me really badly. He made things so bad that I left him (although he was in therapy) in October. He did this so that he could say I left him and he wouldn't look bad .
He always denied that he had someone but I never believed him. And now he admitted to me that he has someone but they are only very close friends and they don't have sex! How stupid does he think I am. He has been seeing her almost every weekend since I left and spent Christmas with her on a cruise!!!! But in sayng this he did seem more at peace. He told me he has his drinking under control. He seemed like a man ready to move on and totally in love. I AM SOOO CRUSHED!!! 23 years of marriage and now he is giving up drinking for someone else!!
He has called all our freinds this week and is trying to mend relationships. He even called his sister after no contact for 10 years. Everyone is very suspicious of his behavior. And although he doesn't say it directly, he indicates that now that I'm gone his main reason for drinking is solved. Can this be true??
He is completely different at the moment. He wants to by me out of our house and I think he wants to move his new girlfriend in. And all this in just 3 months!! I have no words!!! He's treating me like a business deal. He has completely moved on as far as me and our marriage! The kids are also confused by him. No one trusts this new and improved version. Too many changes in such a short time! Unless I really was the reason for his drinking. Is he finally getting it together for another woman?
Any thoughts! Experiences? Insight?
I'd be angry too, at the thought of someone else moving into my marital home. I think of leaving the house to my AH in the divorce, so I can go someplace cheaper and low-maintenance, but then I think that he'll have someone else to take my place in no time. And that bothers me.
I think you are right not to trust him. Stay strong and put your own and your kids' needs first.
If you haven't read "Empowered Recovery" yet, I highly recommend it. It's not the typical book on how to live with an alcoholic ( which does NOTHING to help us), it is for the non-alcoholic spouse and you will identify with so much of what you read, and you will feel better, validated, and realize how he has poisoned your mind over time and stolen your self-esteem. It's a great start to healing ourselves.
Don't trust him. He's trying to shove you out as fast as he can so he doesn't have to feel the guilt as long. It wasn't you. Alcoholics always blame everyone else for their problems.
His behavior is freaking me out!! I NEVER saw this loving caring person in the 26 years we were together. He was a terrible father and my kids aren't buying this new act one bit! They think he is putting on a show for the new girlfriend. so that he looks like this wonderful father, son, brother and friend! Poor woman she has no idea what shes getting herself into!
With that said, you need to focus on all of your past years and how much your needs were not being met. Make yourself remember how unhappy you were. You have to heal from the damage of living with an alcoholic for that many years. Do not let him blame you for his issues. He is still an alcoholic and still will continue to self destruct.
My heart is broken all over again!!! I just want to move on. I wish he would move away. She lives 4 hours away. I wish he would go live with her!
Glad he's off having FUN. My ex did the same - left me with all the responsibilities while he saddled up to a bar stole and a bunch of "friends".
You did not cause his drinking. This is well documented within addiction models of therapy. NEVER listen to him if he tells you so (it's a manipulative tactic) and the MOMENT your mind goes there shut that train of thought down. NO YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT>>>>
There may be something within you that is attracted to this sort of situation that you need to address.
See a therapist who really knows addiction and alcoholism.
Get in front of a divorce attorney ASAP. Noone deserves to live like this.
Start making secretive videos/recordings of him when in the home and he's drunk or abusive. i.e. cell phone recorder on kitchen counter ON while he rants or admits things. This is legal and admissible in court while you two are living together. But phone calls are not.
Start taking pictures in secret of his booze consumption, save receipts etc.
You will Move on. You will. Don't let him string you on any more. hugs.
I just want this whole thing to be over ASAP so that I can really move on with my life!
My counselor told me that 75% or more alcoholics have an undiagnosed underlying mental issue with the two most common being depression and bipolar so your stbx most likely does have a mental issue. The thing is to not allow him to put his mental issue on you. What is important is I believe us codependents have some mental issue that allows us to become codependant. I am not sure as my counselor did not tell me that. But I know that if I was emotionally healty I would have walked away years ago and definitely would have cut him out of my heart and my life after he abandoned me in July 2010.