Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
My AH started drinking again over a month ago (18-30 pack of beer per day). He will stop drinking for 1-6 months then start agin. He is just annoying as hell! He says, "I stopped drinking and you didn't change.... you are still the same bitter b%$ch, so why should I stop drinking"! One minute he is going to stop and then the next he is telling me that he is not going to??? Today he told me that he understands what I am talking about regarding his drinking and will get a handle on things. I have heard this before! I told him that actions speak louder than words. I don't mean to be cold, but I have been dealing with this for years! He gets mad and breaks dishes or whatever is in his way, which is usually something of mine. I hate that I have went to his level at times. I get so frustrated and start telling him how I really feel about the drinking and how he acts(aka - bitter b$%ch) I know that this is not what he needs, but what about what I need? When he does quit drinking it doesn't make everything instantly okay!!! He may be sober, but for how long? He has attempted it several times. I keep hoping (like everyone else) that this is the time! He doesn't understand why I can't completely trust him after a while. I tell him that we did not get this way over night and we will not get fixed over night! I may not ever be able to trust him in some areas again? He hasn't been sober long enought for me to find out. When he is sober he still acts like an alcoholic! He will pick at me and I will beg him to leave me alone and when I finally get fed up with his picking, he gets mad that I am mad. If I don't do what he wants me to do then it's a problem, but he won't do what I need him to do! I told him that I am tired of trying to make him happy and feeling like I am walking on egg shells when he is sober. He uses everything against me to have a reason to drink. I know that I am not easy at times to live with, but he makes me feel like I am the crazy one! I feel drained lately and am tired of dealing with his messes when he gets drunk. I know that you need to let them clean up their own messes, but sometimes if they won't do it, then you have to take care of it(within reason). I can only let so much go and live in the same house! I hate this roller coaster ride! One day I will get off!
Last night my oldest son asked me if my AH seemed to be showing symptoms of being 'Dry Drunk'.
I thought about it a minute and then asked him why. He said AH was behaving in a similar way as
when he was drinking, but didn't smell like alcohol and really wasn't slurring or walking funny...
Sure enough, as I thought about it, I did realize he was exhibiting some of the signs...especially the first two:
1. We become restless and irritable and discontent.
2. We become bored, dissatisfied, and easily distracted from productive tasks.
I was proud of my son for taking notice and while I am concerned what this could mean for us, it's still my AH's addiction to conquer, and if he can't, he can't.
I'm thinking of you
He had been through re-hab at least 4 maybe 5 times, had his jaw replaced due to a fall (then drank even through the wired shut jaw) and he lost his job of almost 25 years. So yes, I can see the track he was on but he had just been sober for 2 1/2 years and could not say enough about AA. He shared so much with me regarding AA and was so positive then suddenly beginning mid-June (the one year anniversary of his new job) - he lost all the AA training and picked up a bottle. He did not call his sponser and had a different story for everyone as to his whereabouts (he did not show up to work for 9 days - now I understand he was home drinking). . .no matter - my heart is so broke and I feel as though my insides have been scooped out. I had no idea there was a group like this on the web. I should have joined it many years ago back in 2004, the year I first "rescued" my ex-husband and learned of his extreme alcoholism. What an insidious disease. . .yep - my guy hit rock bottom. . .cannot believe his rock bottom was death. gawd - just not right. . . :-(
The only thing I can say is that he went to rehab, he went to AA--he knew what could happen to him. He chose. His addiction was bigger than him. It was bigger than you, too. It doesn't seem fair, mind over matter, right? You should be able to knock it if you try hard enough--but it doesn't work that way. Some things are simply not our jobs. You rescued him once. But if you had really saved him, if you really had the power to control what was going on, this would have never happened. You wouldn't have let it.
You don't have that power. None of us do. We wait, we hope, we fear, we pray, we hold onto every little scrap of good... but we can't save anyone except ourselves. And you are still here. You saved yourself.
Grieve for the man, and the loss of what might have been. I can't imagine going through what you're going through. But try if you can not believe his life was in your hands.
There are fabulous counselors out there. I hope you find a great one.
I am struck by the weight of his demons...I wonder (and know a little bit..but) about my AH's demons. But I am fascinated by what it is that is so torturous for people that they just cannot bear to to be sober. What are the thoughts and fears that an alcoholic tries to drown? And why can we be so strong to spend years holding them up and dealing with their pain along with our own?
Be strong, Dharma, it's who you are...who we are all.
Thank you for letting me "vent" here - I cannot wait until I feel better and more light returns to my life. It is an irony that a couple of weeks ago I was mad at him because he was drunk and I was trying to focus on a new job/job interview - and now with funeral plans and funeral last week and settling his affairs - it all ended up totally cutting into focus on my new job anyway. Amazing. . .