Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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Tambo5 07/11/2010

My AH started drinking again over a month ago (18-30 pack of beer per day). He will stop drinking for 1-6 months then start agin. He is just annoying as hell! He says, "I stopped drinking and you didn't change.... you are still the same bitter b%$ch, so why should I stop drinking"! One minute he is going to stop and then the next he is telling me that he is not going to??? Today he told me that he understands what I am talking about regarding his drinking and will get a handle on things. I have heard this before! I told him that actions speak louder than words. I don't mean to be cold, but I have been dealing with this for years! He gets mad and breaks dishes or whatever is in his way, which is usually something of mine. I hate that I have went to his level at times. I get so frustrated and start telling him how I really feel about the drinking and how he acts(aka - bitter b$%ch) I know that this is not what he needs, but what about what I need? When he does quit drinking it doesn't make everything instantly okay!!! He may be sober, but for how long? He has attempted it several times. I keep hoping (like everyone else) that this is the time! He doesn't understand why I can't completely trust him after a while. I tell him that we did not get this way over night and we will not get fixed over night! I may not ever be able to trust him in some areas again? He hasn't been sober long enought for me to find out. When he is sober he still acts like an alcoholic! He will pick at me and I will beg him to leave me alone and when I finally get fed up with his picking, he gets mad that I am mad. If I don't do what he wants me to do then it's a problem, but he won't do what I need him to do! I told him that I am tired of trying to make him happy and feeling like I am walking on egg shells when he is sober. He uses everything against me to have a reason to drink. I know that I am not easy at times to live with, but he makes me feel like I am the crazy one! I feel drained lately and am tired of dealing with his messes when he gets drunk. I know that you need to let them clean up their own messes, but sometimes if they won't do it, then you have to take care of it(within reason). I can only let so much go and live in the same house! I hate this roller coaster ride! One day I will get off!

deleted_user 07/12/2010

It's the worst kind of roller-coaster ride, because it seems endless, doesn't it?

Gosh you sound just like me, 4 months ago! That was before my husband went off to treatment for 12 blessed weeks of silence and 'me' time. Boy did I ever need the time off! Even though I spent a good bit of it driving up and down the highway to his treatment center for meetings and whatnot.

He's home now, and it seems to have 'taken' for the first time in 5 tries...but time will tell.

Is your AH in a program? Doing AA? Has he gone to any kind of treatment program or is he 'winging it'? Mine tried to 'wing it' after going through 4 programs...with spectacularly dreadful results!

Now, more importantly, what about you? Do you have any kind of support nearby? Friends, family, church? Have you checked out Al-Anon (not for everyone, I know, but it can be helpful)?

You need to remember one thing. YOU are important! You need to take care of you and none of this is your fault, nor does it really have anything to do with you.

Your AH is going to drink regardless of your actions. If you detach, the you are 'ignoring' him or you're 'being a bitch'. [although I am the Queen of the Emasculating Bitches according to my AH when he was drinking...hey if it comes with a crown, I'll take the title!] If you engage, then you are only stooping to his level...and he's drunk! Engaging with him will make you feel certifiable!

No matter what you do right now, you cannot win with him...because his POV is that of a drunk. His only goal is to find a way to drink, and if making you feel like the worst kind of shiz is going to allow him to continue with his drinking, then he'll do whatever it takes!

Aren't our AH's special?

Not really....and no, you aren't the crazy one, even if it seems that way sometime. He is.

I'm so glad you are reaching out here. We may not be able to tell you what to do, but we can listen and share.

deleted_user 07/12/2010

I hear the extreme frustration in your post and we all understand. Try to see if you can do some things that focus more on yourself and distance yourself from him and worrying whether he is happy or not. All AH shift blame but remember we are all adults, we all have stress and we make our own choices. Obviously some do better with that than others.
Look to yourself for your happiness. Do things you enjoy. When he is acting like a A$$ then befor you become a B@%ch leave and do something for you. Surround yourself with people who make you happy (they don't have to know your story) or doing things you enjoy and find some peace. You will then be able to better deal with how you want to handle things.
Take the control back in your life and Don't let him steal your sunshine!

newmom1985 07/12/2010

Wow, I could have written this exact post. It's amazing how we feel guilty for stooping to their level. But, you know what? It's unavoidable after a while to let go of your self control and yell back and act like they do. You've taken so much, give yourself some credit. It's hard to keep your cool when someone is constantly picking you apart and acting that way.

They're the reason we're bitter and closed off. And deep down they know that too. Good luck, hope things get better for you.

deleted_user 07/12/2010

It's easy for me to detach, find something to do that makes me happy etc. when it is just the two of us. But it's hard to do when we are in the company of others. I can't walk out etc when we have invited guests in our home. Or, when we are over to someone's house for dinner and he starts getting sloshed. I just try to get through the moment and hope for the evening to end. I feel embarressed that I am with someone who behaves like such an idiot. I would like to feel proud of the guy that I am with. Been with him for 41 years. He's a good guy, but a lush. He loves me, but I feel very unimportant in his life. Talk about crazy co-dependency, I know. I'm just starting to try to get a handle on that.

deleted_user 07/12/2010

mjmh the only piece of advice I would like to offer is you have a choice and the control to decide if you want to attend a function with him that you feel may end up with his behavior being embarrassing. Let him appear a idiot all by himself. Don't have the dinner party at your house have it at a public place where people can choose to leave if they like as well as you. After 41 years of marriage (and I commend you for this, my AH and I have been together 30 years /25 married)he is taking you for granted which is why you feel unimportant. Either let him go alone or show up for dinner and when he starts drifting claim a horrible migrane and excuse yourself. Get a cab and leave. Control the things in your life that you can and that affect you. Let him handle his own issues. He is a big boy now. Just my 2 cents......I know living with a AH that you are still in love with is difficult but he needs to know you have options and limits.

Tambo5 07/12/2010

No, my AH is not in treatment or going to AA right now. He has been in treatment 3 times and no longer goes to AA. I have been to Alanon, and found one that was okay, but it is not close enough for me to attend with my schedule. I understand not wanting to take them to certain events or friends houses. We do not have a lot of company over or friends. The other night we did go to a friends house and of course my AH was drinking when we arrived and continued afterwards. It bothered me how intoxicated he was, but I wasn't making him drink and everyone can see things for themselves. Thanks for the support!

NC337
Love this!!!!! - [although I am the Queen of the Emasculating Bitches according to my AH when he was drinking...hey if it comes with a crown, I'll take the title!]

deleted_user 07/13/2010

This is an e-ticket ride that is no fun. I can attest. Your AH must be a twin brother of my AH. There could be something eating at him and you are just the sounding board. It's not fair, but it probably isn't you. If his friends can't stand him either they may be giving him crap that could be causing him to hurt. I would recommend cheerful agression but that could get you into more trouble. You might even go so far to ask him what triggers him to start drinking after being sober for so long...He will have a list of excuses but after he gives you one, ask him "other than that". Keep on asking "other than that" to peel away at the onion to try to get him to see if there is a primary root. If he gets stuck, you could say that the reasons you gave can't be that much of a factor and ask him to find out what really is truly bugging him. Not knowing your AH, perhaps you could say, "Look, I love you when you are sober and we do this, this and this...You even seem more happy and relaxed when you are sober and you do this, this, and this... Is there anything that you could do for yourself to keep sober or what might get in the way of staying sober. Don't be tempted to reason with him if he starts accusing you of anything. If he projects on you, calmly tell him that is about him and if it bothers him so much what can he do to make it better. Basically, what can he do about it and what is he getting from accusing you of such and such. You could tell him that you know he doesn't want to hurt you but when he accuses you of "repeat it back" it does hurt. You could tell him that you have no intention of hurting him and that you would gain nothing for doing so and ask him to stop for a moment and think what he would think if the tables were turned. Ok, so I said don't reason with him and I went overboard. You have nothing to lose, really. You need to prepare to leave and really consider a restraining order. Since you were the only one to stick with him when he falls, he is likely to seek you out and if he is blaming you now.... Watch out! Be careful and be smart.

Dharma915 07/13/2010

This is my first time here. Please let me know if I should start a new thread. I am devastated and heartbroken. Two weeks ago today I found my ex-husband dead. I am just too sad and feel horrible.
He had been sober for 2 1/2 years but then went on this crazy bender. Lied to me that he was at work but was really home drunk from work for 10 days, weds. - fri., then mon. thru friday. I talked to him all week though - could tell he was getting worse. That alone made me feel sick to my stomach. He NEVER said he was not at work - then he called me late Sat. night Sun. night - I had a job interview Monday and kind of "ignored" him because I wanted to keep my life going positive. I phoned him Tuesday morning he did not answer - I went to his house and he was dead. I feel right now as if I will never get over this. I should have gotten there earlier.

deleted_user 07/13/2010

Dharma please do not take ownership of his death. The pain and devastation yes but he was headed on a path of no return and that was the choice he was making. You could have intervened and he would be in the hospital right now still dying because of the damage he had already done. He wasn't being honest with you and you are not a mind reader to know what was really going on. This is very sad and a unfortunate reality of alcoholism but you are not in any way, shape or form to blame.

Dharma915 07/13/2010

Soulmategon, I so much appreciate your reply. From the moment the EMT and police arrived to the house I was told the same thing. My heart is so broke and I just cannot forgive myself right now as I remember our final conversation, "Bob do you want me to call 911?" , he answere "tomorrow" (very slurred I might add).
He told me previous to that how I was his best friend and how some of his worry was me - I needed a good night sleep as I had not slept well the night before worrying about him! My goal was to get a good night sleep then get him to the hospital. I live about 70 miles away. So I did wake up refreshed the next day and it was too late. So hard to understand any of this. He was such a good hearted man - I believe he had addiction issues from the very day I married him and I found out about 3 weeks after we were married - that was in 1984!! He died 2 months after his 49th birthday - not sure if I can ever understand but please soulmategone - I sure appreciate your support. I am trying to get to other things now that the funeral is over- but I keep going back to "I got there too late". . .thank you for your words.

deleted_user 07/13/2010

Dharma in all honesty too late for what? As I said, with as much alcohol poisoning as it sounds like he had in his system I am thinking it would have prolonged the inevitable. 2 years sober is a good thing but obviously he did not have himself all together or he wouldn't have let some stressor bring him right back to that place. He is at peace now. His issues are all gone. You can move on with your life and things are as they were meant to be for all involved. Remember the good and let go of the rest. Don't you drive yourself crazy with guilt over something that you had absolutely no control over. You have control of Your life so keep it in that good space you were trying to get too.

deleted_user 07/13/2010

Dharma-It sounds like he knew what he was doing, that even if you had realized what was going on, you may have stopped him this time, but it would have just happened some other time. You are not responsible for his decisions. Im sure you are devistated and I hope you can keep the person you knew and loved tucked into your heart and know he is finally at peace with his deamons. It is a terrible tragedy that he could not find relief in this life, but everyone has their own destiny.

Rollercoaster ride-- To me, it is a clear picture of your AH depending on you to make him happy and you are an easy scapegoat if he doesnt feel happy. It also sounds like he feels like he is walking the line for you, not himself. That is a problem my AH faces, too. I still dont think he views his 'recovery' for what it is, a life-long commitment to being in control. Rather a temporary obligation to smooth things over. My AH is "winging it" and has chosen Moderation Mgmt to guide him. Ask me the last time he has done an online mtg....um 2wks! To me, it doesnt seem like he feels like mod mgmt is that important to him, when currently, it is basically his only treatment! I dont like ups and downs, either. blah!

deleted_user 07/13/2010

IM sorry to ask this here, but does anyone know why I cant start a new discussion? My discussion page doesnt have a 'new topic' button....
Ive emailed support and gotten no response...

deleted_user 07/13/2010

Dharma... I'm so sorry. You are obviously hurting greatly over this. It's okay to be sad over his death and mourn a life that just couldn't deal with its demons. He was a big part of your life. You saw the good in him and loved the dream of the man he could have been. It's okay to be sad and upset at this loss. Let yourself be sad over this and be sure to grieve the loss.

However, his death is not your fault. It took him a long time to get there with many choices he made along the way. The night he died wasn't an isolated event. It was another event in a long string of bad choices. He was an adult man, not a child that needed a babysitter. He obviously had many problems that bothered him greatly, but there was nothing you could have done about any of this. It was up to him and it was more than he could do. You couldn't make his decisions for him.

It is going to be a struggle, but please focus on getting your life back. Take care of you. Find the help and support you need.

deleted_user 07/14/2010

jennsfam...click on the Wives of Alcoholics banner at the top left of this page. It will take you to the main page and where you see "Recent Discussions" to the right of that you should see hotlinks to 'view all' the threads or to 'create a topic'. ;)

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