Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

0 Online

Panda2017 06/16/2017

I'm 38 and we have been together for the last 20 years.
He was always a drinker but something happened this past year and it has got worse with him drinking most nights with at least one night a week where he gets completely drunk.

His poison is vodka, I find bottles hidden in the house, in cupboards, drawers, behind books, in the washing machine, under the pillow and my job lately has been following him around the house to get rid of them to ensure he doesn't drink too much and start being verbally nasty.

I took him to the doctor but he refuses to get help on his own accord. I bought a self help book months ago that he hasn't even opened and he is not yet willing to go to AA meetings. Today he admitted it was because he is scared of what he may read, which I kind of get. It has been hard tonight to read so many threads that look so much like my story :(

So I don't know what to do. We have a 4 year old girl and I can't trust him to stay sober with her on his own. He promised to stay sober yesterday night while I was at a work do and I found him lying there in bed with an empty bottle of vodka in his hands while she was asleep and that's not right :(

The lies are just endless, he thinks drinking vodka means I can't smell it, yet that is the first thing I smell when I open the door. He doesn't go to bars, he just drinks on his way to work and at home, making regular trips to the places where his bottles are hidden and then turns from lovely, sweet man to a monster that I don't recognize.

For the first time in my life, I am seriously thinking of leaving him and the thought of letting booze tear apart our family is killing me. But I know I have to do something. Lately, I've not able to eat at night, I have this anxiety in my stomach the moment I smell that alcohol breath on him, I seem to draw back which is having an effect on our little girl.

She reads about princes and fairy tales yet what she sees in her parents at the moment is quite different and I want to protect her from this. I'm sorry I'm babbling on, just glad i found a place where I can be completely honest without feeling shame.

There was another thread I was reading which was basically saying that staying with them was in fact enabling them to continue. Sometimes I feel like the only way he will get help and sort his act out is if he hits rock bottom and loses everything. I am trying so hard for this not to happen because there may never be a way back after that.

Unloved 06/16/2017

Panda2017, I feel for you. Having lived with my alcoholic husband for 30 years in my own "bubble of denial" and hoping "one day he would realize what he is" I attended an Alanon meeting, and I hated it. I went occasionally and the stories were verbatim of exactly a description of my husbands progressive "incurable disease". It was the first time in my life that I realuzed this life I was struggling to live was really "hell". I came to realize the "drunk" cares for only one thing- the bottle! My husband was also a vodka drinker and reeked of it from every pore. As his disease progressed, he was incapable of any intimacy, and we could not communicate civilly. I detested what this person had become and sleeved him. This disease is progressive, and will take your life from you & your child. For over 30 years I reached out for support and no one would listen. His family (who are all dysfunctional addicts), his small circle of friends, his doctors, anyone who would listen. And no one listened. My only resolution to save myself was to leave him and file for divorce. I am recovering from living in hell with this person, and attempting with baby steps to love myself. All the years I was with this person it was never about"me" it was always about him. A miserable, angry and depressed shell of a man. They live a live that no sane individual could ever make sense of, the deranged mind if an alcoholic, only another addictive can make understand. Leave while you young and can salvage you and you child's life. It never gets better only progressively worse until the lies, deception, and lack of caring that will take away your dignity and make you crack up. I do notbwish this "hell life" on anyone.

pacersfan 06/16/2017

Panda2017-you just wrote my story and current life situation. You phrased everything so identically to the life we all have.. it is so sad to watch this. My husband has gotten progressively worse and has in the last 2 1/2 mos. has really spiraled. We have three boys who are younger and I too am afraid I will have to leave. I can't trust him to watch them either now. :(. We have been together 20 years as well. I have a good job so that piece is not as concerning, but other pieces of course are super complicated. I finally reached out to his sister and broke my slience of his struggles of 8 1/2, really bad struggles the last year or so. Thank you for giving me vindication that my story , like yours, is all too common. He is so sick and knows he is but hasn't been to a doctor to talk about his clear depresssion and what I think is childhood PTSD. He has an appt. coming up, but I don't know if he'll make it to it or have an excuse. God only knows. Thank you for your openness.

Panda2017 06/18/2017

pacerfan, just make sure you go with him to his doctor's appointment and get him to talk about it at least. It was a first step when we went to our GP and I heard him say "I drink too much". The only issue is that she was unable to help you see, because he wasn't physically addicted to booze. i.e. until they can function and they are not experiencing withdrawal symptoms, your GP is not going to be able to help. She suggested private counselling and I went with him to an initial session. That was a step, that same night, he went to buy himself a bottle of vodka, got extremely angry when I found it (I guess he felt found out) and we were back to square one.
One thing I did do though (will do it again) is book him a hotel room for the next day because that was my way of saying to him "that is not okay anymore" and I believe it did have an impact. So although he probably spent that night drinking, he knows that this is what will happen each time he repeats this behaviour, until I have had enough. Try this. I, like you am lucky to have a well paid job so that's at least one less worry to have. That night set us back £40, I think it's worth it if it sends him the right message, even if I have to do this weekly. For now, it's the alternative to actually leaving him.

kb1125 06/18/2017

This is my life to the T. I am 39 been together 20 years. Has always been an issue but the last year has been the worst. My kids are teenagers and hate him. They know I am the one that has raised them and they have watched how he has treated me and hate him for it which seems to cause him to drink more

Panda2017 06/19/2017

Kb1125 I'm sorry to hear that and it makes me sad to think that this could continue until his daughter starts seeing him in a different light. I tell myself that I won't allow this to happen and that I would rather he lives on his own to preserve his relationship with his daughter but we all know that leaving is not as easy as this... He has had three good days and tonight after a beer at the pub I could tell he wanted more. He denied it but saw that i was not going to let him have anymore and eventually the craving seemed to fade away. I realise that for now, I'm going to have to monitor him all the time if I was this to last bit how long can I do that for? When will I be able to go out by myself again without worrying about how much he is drinking? Does your husband speak about his behaviour to your children or does he just pretend it doesn't exist?

Panda2017 06/22/2017

So after a week of not drinking his usual poison, tonight he managed to sneak it into the house again. I could smell it on him and I knew it was somewhere in the living room so instead of going at him, I asked him gently 'tell me where it is please so we can throw it away together'. I wanted him to be honest but he couldn't. He said it was in the bathroom and the moment I left the room he hid the bottle. I found it, threw it away and we're now back on square one. What really gets me is that I know he can physically do it. He has proven it in this past week, so why doesn't he???

Panda2017 06/22/2017

They say we should never try and reason with them when they're drunk. So why do we keep trying?

michelle31 06/22/2017

I could scream tonight the stress my partner is yet again putting me through. It's like he can't even enjoy a simple family day out because he's craving a drink and it makes him moody. We went on a nice day out and all he could do was pick fault at everything and then on the journey home he completely went in on me saying that I was one of the reasons he drank and if I helped him more he probably wouldn't be as bad. How insulting and hurtful! That was Day 4 being sober so obviously craving a drink and is now away for the night for work and checking himself in at a bar on Facebook, knowing I will see it! He actually said to me in the argument that he won't bother seeing the therapist (and he missed his appointment this morning lying in bed depressed) or try and change because I'm not willing to and I'm half the problem! All I do is suppose that man, I don't agree with his decisions or how he goes about things but I stand by him and try and get him the help he needs. Wish I didn't feel so guilty leaving, it's more for my 4 year olds sake that I stay as I so desperately want him to have a family unit :-(

belong 06/23/2017

I am in the same boat! Although we have no small kids, he was left with my 13 month old granddaughter one Saturday, and upon our return, we learned that she had fallen off the bed! At first he lied and said she did not fall, but his mother told us that he admitted it to her days later! The verbal abuse is unreal! I sleep with a barrier between us (stacks of pillows) to avoid the smell of alcohol in my face - which is a sure turn off sexually! A few weeks ago, I actually paid the consultation fee for advise on divorce proceedings. I too am hoping to change him before he hits rock bottom, but that may be the only thing that turns his life around!

Panda2017 06/27/2017

Michelle31 sorry to hear it's gone back to square 1 again. Same here again tonight I can't even stand to look at him. We have pur kids to think about of course they are only 4 now but in a few years they will see their dad for who they are or rather they choose to be which makes me want to scream. I understand not wanting to leave and not breaking the family unit but what sort of life are we going to put them through if we stay and they continue on this streak? He's been better lately but I can't trust him on his own at all. When was the last time I could do something for myself without worrying about his drinking? I do t even know :(

Panda2017 06/27/2017

Belong I left him years ago, didn't go about it the right way and was so down emotionally that I let myself have an affair which ended very badly. He got sober for a while. I fell pregnant and stupidly thought this would change him. It did for a while until he got back to his old ways...

Panda2017 10/12/2018

Its taken its toll and I can't stand this life anymore. I'm paying a therapist £130 an hour to come to my house twice a month and hope it will give me the strength to do the right thing for me, my daughter. He wont/can't stop and I know now that I can't make him. Only he can. I've spent 20 years with him. We were 18 when we first met and our little girl turns 6 in a few months. I don't wa t this life for her and I'm now thinking of ways we can separate so I can get my life back.

Panda2017 04/03/2019

This was my first ever post, two years ago, so why am I still here? :(

Join the Conversation