Michelle, my AH of 30 years is the same way except he doesn't hang out in bars he will drink on his way home from work and then continue to drink as long as he has it, if i'm not home or were not talking he will go to the store and buy more beer. Good thing we live about 20 miles from the nearest liquor store so after he's home all he can get is beer. He also lies about how much he drinks and will argue me down about anything he doesn't believe to be true. But within minutes he acts as if nothing has happened. The frustrations just grow and grow till you explode and trust me it's not a pretty site! He used to tell me he would quite, matter a fact it hasn't been but a few weeks since he told me in a drunken text that he would do what ever to get sober, that will be the last time that I believe him! The very next morning he couldn't get out of bed fast enough to get more whiskey. I don't think I will ever understand the control it has over him and i'm about to the point that I don't care to understand. Sometimes I think he wants to quit but he's told me before that he would rather die than quit drinking! Good luck I hope things get better for you.

Is he willing to get help?

The blatant lying is so crazy! My AH does that too...it's like in he makes up this false reality in his head that he really believes to be true. Part of that reality in his head is to tear me down for different ridiculous things to make himself feel better about his deceptions. I have confronted him in so many different ways and had him even talk to counselors and elders in the church, even the pastor....but nothing helped.
Finally I came to terms, there is nothing I can do to help/change him. He has to get there on his own, but there are consequences that come from his behavior! The biggest consequence is that I have totally separated myself from him, he hates it, but until I see a real lasting change there is no way I can be emotionally/physically connected to him...it was making me insane. Now I just focus on my health and my kids health. We live our lives doing things we enjoy. It is not the fairytale we all wish for, but it is what it is.
I am now trying to figure out what I am willing to live with and what I am not. If he crosses that than I will have to ask him to move out.

My AH lies even though its obvious he is, I actually have to have physical proof of his lie before he will admit anything. I always think that he is meant to love me how can he lie to me. There is no answer. It is one of the most frustrating things that comes from his drinking. I have to say he can be very convincing and he is deceiving himself because he still doesn't think he has a problem.!

Thank you for all your replies, yes he is willing to get help and we usually do get 3/4 sober days out of a week together, I just can't stand that he treats me like such a fool when he knows I know where he is! He even tries to say he's working at the pub on his laptop!! Which I'm sure in his deluded state he thinks he is. This morning he was apologetic and said he's really thought about his actions and doesn't want to be like this. He's away tonight for work and he's took his self help book of his own accord, and been face timing me to keep in touch. He will be ok now I think for 3 days if I'm lucky then it will all happen again :-( hopefully as the weeks of therapy go on something will click in his head. I find it a real support to be able to off load into this chat forum though! So glad I found it! Thanks all xx

Sounds like you're half way there michelle31 good luck.

I'm 38 and we have been together for the last 20 years.
He was always a drinker but something happened this past year and it has got worse with him drinking most nights with at least one night a week where he gets completely drunk.

His poison is vodka, I find bottles hidden in the house, in cupboards, drawers, behind books, in the washing machine, under the pillow and my job lately has been following him around the house to get rid of them to ensure he doesn't drink too much and start being verbally nasty.

I took him to the doctor but he refuses to get help on his own accord. I bought a self help book months ago that he hasn't even opened and he is not yet willing to go to AA meetings. Today he admitted it was because he is scared of what he may read, which I kind of get. It has been hard tonight to read so many threads that look so much like my story :(

So I don't know what to do. We have a 4 year old girl and I can't trust him to stay sober with her on his own. He promised to stay sober yesterday night while I was at a work do and I found him lying there in bed with an empty bottle of vodka in his hands while she was asleep and that's not right :(

The lies are just endless, he thinks drinking vodka means I can't smell it, yet that is the first thing I smell when I open the door. He doesn't go to bars, he just drinks on his way to work and at home, making regular trips to the places where his bottles are hidden and then turns from lovely, sweet man to a monster that I don't recognize.

For the first time in my life, I am seriously thinking of leaving him and the thought of letting booze tear apart our family is killing me. But I know I have to do something. Lately, I've not able to eat at night, I have this anxiety in my stomach the moment I smell that alcohol breath on him, I seem to draw back which is having an effect on our little girl.

She reads about princes and fairy tales yet what she sees in her parents at the moment is quite different and I want to protect her from this. I'm sorry I'm babbling on, just glad i found a place where I can be completely honest without feeling shame.

there was another thread I was reading which was basically saying that staying with them was basically enabling them to continue and sometimes I feel like the only way he will get help and sort his act out is if he hits rock bottom and loses everything and I am trying so hard for this not to happen because there may never be a way back after that.

Hi panda, thanks for your post, I know what your going through. I really don't feel like I'm half way there, he does this and as predicted he's gone out agin tonight! He lasted 2 days! Maybe he is starting to get his problem more but I don't know how much more I can cope with. We too have got a 4 year old and I suppose him drinking outside of the house helps as I can say he's working, he never drinks in the house. Just sick of believing he means he will change then can't go longer than 2/3 days. I find posting in here helps and I've been reading a couple of books, loving an addict loving yourself and al anon courage to change. I'm secretly saving money to help me leave but I really hope things change b4 then. My son starts school in September and he doesn't need the upheaval of a break up :-( he like all the other ah is a good decent guy when sober, we've been together 13 years, I don't know how I would even move forward but I know I can't stay like this forever :-( hope things get better for u xx

michelle31 - Hi, You know about a week ago, I made him go to an initial counselling session. At least he went, although he's yet to give him a call to arrange subsequent meetings (don't know that he will unless I nag him, then he'll probably lie about going etc. so not much of a point in that). I have realized that unless they are willing to get help themselves, it will not work.
So then the next approach is to make them understand what they will lose if they continue. Words I find are worthless. The morning promises are soon forgotten when they repeat the patter aren't they? So last week, I did something different.
After his counselling session, he (guess what?) bought himself another bottle of vodka. I of course realized his mood was changing and so set for the kitchen to scavenge cupboards and found it. He lost control when he saw me because he felt ashamed and scared. I had told him that I was thinking of leaving him for good. He threw the bottles across the sink and scared the living hell out of me. He then went to the bedroom, calmed down and actually forgot the rage he got into. That night, I thought "no more" (that our daughter slept through this is a miracle and a blessing) so I booked him into a cheap hotel room in our area for the next night. When he woke up, I let him know and he protested but he knew. He knew I had booked the room and I made it clear to him he was not to come back home that night. You know what? Although he most likely spent that night drinking, it must have hit home that his behavious will no longer be tolerated. If I have to spend that cash each week, every time he drinks to a point where he is not very nice anymore, then I will do so. That is the only alternative for now to leaving him. I'm hoping this will make him see sense. Another thing I am going to do is make him pick me up from work each day. Then I know he will not have an opportunity to drink. And take his cards, again, if I have to. Just give him enough for lunch etc. then he can't buy anything...