Bears, I've come to realize pretending want get you anywhere either. For so many years thats all I did, I tried not to nag or argue but when I did and it always ended in a big blow up by the next day I just swept it under the rug and started fresh. I honestly think this was the worst thing I could have done. Just made him think that he was always going to win so why would he want to quit. He could have his drinking and me! So now after 30 yrs i'm to the point that i've had enough and want out but I just don't know how to get there???? I get so angry that we talk about divorce but he's drunk so by the next day when sober it's like we never talked about it! It's just a never ending battle. And yes its just like parenting another child.... Good luck to you.

bears,
I go through this cycle too. He gets drunk and upsets my evening and then the next day, I just don't have the energy to talk about it AGAIN. He also avoids me the day after so I don't have an opportunity to. Then he calls me and acts like life is normal and nothing ever happened. Then after I repeat that cycle a few times, I think, "What am I doing? This is messed up. We are acting like it never happened. It DID happen. And it left scars for me. Maybe not him, but it did for me." Those are the days I contemplate leaving. It is a bad cycle I am sure we are all too familiar with. If you say something, it is a fight and they make you out to the be bad guy. If you don't, you being eaten up inside because it builds up. You feel so wronged. I feel for you and know your pain all too well. I feel like it is exactly like a parent/child relationship as well. Hugs to you.

Oh bears I completely understand... it takes so much effort not to nag and behave like a a parent... but this is something I really struggle with as well. I ask my husband not to drink he says ok (lying) and then I get really angry and he drinks anyway... i’ll ask how much he’s had even though I know... all this effort which leaves you feeling unfulfilled and even more anxious than you were to start with! Big hugs to you.

Many hugs to you bears as well as all the ladies, as we are all going thru this. I am curious to if there is any advice, as I try to do the same as well. No nagging, Bc that never worked, no trying to make him stop, bc he won’t, walking on eggshells feeling alone and sad all the time knowing that the same cycle is going to happen. But how do I get out of this funk? Of coarse the verbal abuse that it’s my fault, or how angry he gets at me for everything even if I didn’t say a word, and was just watching tv, where is the sanity for me? Am I wrong for staying? Am I making the right choices? Then that anxiety goes thru me and it’s a constant battle. We chose to stay thinking it will change, but will it ever? Others give advice that aren’t in this situation, so of coarse they say leave, like it’s that easy. Any advice on how to cope better with this? As you can see I have so many thoughts going thru me, coming off of a recent battle from a binge drinking night last night, im completely lost as well. With the excuse of it was a few drink (half a bottle actually) but to him he can’t see it. Many hugs to all you ladies!

Skylce,
I agree with you that others will always say they would leave. That is because they have not walked in our shoes. Try to tune that out. I struggle with that too. I think it is like anything, you don't truly understand unless you go through it. And, it is most certainly not easy when you love someone.

Setting boundaries will help you cope better. It is not easy and you must stick to them for it to be effective. I used to be much more miserable before I did that. I refuse to spend time with him or talk to him when he is drunk. He knows that. If he is, I leave or end the conversation. He still gets mad when I do, but I ignore it. He tests me every so often, but it has helped me.

Most recently, his brother came to town and he drinks too. I told him that if they want to go to the bar, I would not be joining them. So he did go with his brother and his brother's girlfriend and I stayed home. I will not participate, enable it nor do I want to be around it. One drunk guy is bad enough, I certainly don't want to be around two of them.

Ironic that they should be the ones tired and hung over after a night of drinking and we are the ones with the hangovers (emotionally) because of their behavior.

Hugs to you. Hang in there.

I could have written your post. The scars build on themselves and it becomes unbearable, so now I focus now on my personal game plan. It's exhausting, really. Thank you for making me feel as though I'm not alone. I hate to say it, but I am realizing if he really doesn't get better, it is time to do what is best for me and stop worrying about him. I've put a plan in place, and I'm clinging to my plan in times of despair - until i can finally break away. Good luck to you. You are not alone.

Thank you so much for all your replies, ladies. I have been super busy and unable to respond.

Appreciate all your support and it makes me feel a lot better knkwing i am not the only one

I have been with my AH for 19 years and 14 yrs of marriage, I knew he drank when we first got together....but over the course of the last year his drinking has become a serious problem..i get so frustrated I'm tired of just letting him be he neglects me the kids.....I"m on the same boat as you here I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

The 3 C''s helped me and I learned that in alanon
You cannot Change, Cure, or Control and alcoholic. It's useless and it will driven you made. The alcoholic has to seek sobriety and change on their own. Once I realized I can't change cure or control HIM but I can control myself and my choice's it was amazing. I just ignored him and his drinking set my bounderlies and started moving forward with myself. I went back to school an set myself up to be a single mother. What a huge difference. I let was hard ,but I managed to be better because of that understanding. And when we move forward sometimes the addict will see the progress and want one join (or not) either way your moving on and not letting thir addiction hold you back from living.

My life in a nutshell
I manage to detach until I can’t take it any more. When I detach he drinks more and more.
I about ready yo completely let him go.
So sad

jms glad to see your still hanging in there! When I got the hang of detaching he decided to quit... however he's quit cold turkey mainly due to health issues but i'm afraid without professional health or support group that it's not going to last. My problem is trying to be supportive and loving without loosing myself again. Not sure if its not harder than when he is drinking at least then he's not sitting around like a lost little puppy! The older I get the more I resent the addiction and it just makes me resent him for allowing it to go this far! Hang in there. Sending my prayers.

I so know what you are all saying. I'm staying in a hotel tonight. Left him to it. I needed to be safe. Caught him red handed (his words) just told him to get to bed and be safe and that I was going somewhere safe away from him.
And I have. 28 years of marriage. Mostly good but the drinking has escalated and I'm not prepared to put up with this anymore. Not heard of the 3 c's before but that makes so much sense.
The business of leaving is scary . tomorrow I will suggest a trial separation. I have to. I deserve better.
I dont need any more evenings of anxiety and paranoia . None of us do.
And just maybe it will help him too. Or maybe not. But it can't go on like this.
Take care ladies. Put yourselves first.

Bears, I so relate! And to the other comments, too. I have tried: acceppting, reasoning, limiting, compromising, ignoring, detaching, praising, nagging, silence and everything else...I have listened to the promises, encouraged when things got better, tried to have fresh hope when they failed, and now I am really tired! I give up.
Last night we had an argument, as he had a bottle and a half of wine. I was determined not to say a word, not till today when he would be sober, but as he got into the shower he saw my face and asked what was wrong. So as diplomatically as possible, I told him how I felt disappointed that on a sunday night, he would drink that much, especially when he has a demanding job, plus we'd been out on Saturday night, where he drank, and an alcohol free day after that would have bene good. He exploded and aimed the shower head at me and got me soaking wet out of sheer rage. He said he'd had enough of my nagging, that he'd played with the kids, been a good dad, had helped, what did I want, why don't I leave him alone, etc etc..and then he stormed off to bed. This is his typical avoidance behavoiur but I'd never seen his this angry. i think we hit a new low. So, it seems that whether or not you nag, whatever approach you take, it affects you, but has little effect on them. I am today wondering if this is the final straw. I was advised once to just distance yourself when they drink, go to another room or go out or whatever. This is hard when you are home with 3 kids. But I have now decided that I will just go to another read and not spend time wth him when he has too much. Although, right now, i think we may need to separate. I'm done. It's taken over my life and I can't see a way out.. I hope all you ladies out there find a way, and get the strength to make whatever decisons you have to.

NikZ, has he apologized yet?

Hi Pietro84. Well, the next day there was a deafening silence and he was very angry,. Barely acknowledged me when I spoke to him.. I poured out my heart in a long email while he was at work, telling him things can't continue like this, and that we need to talk. The next day he started hugging me and being super nice, as if nothing had happened. Today the same, no mention of it. No apology, no reply to the email. Now, I almost feel insane to bring it up now. But I will. This is how it always happens. Swept under the carpet. I think about it constantly, though. I know I need to start something. work on some kind of plan, but feel a bit lost...