Is it possible their friendship is based on AA meetings and both going through similar challenges? When I first got sober (before cell phones) I had a female attorney friend I met through AA who was a great help to my early sobriety. It was easier for me to talk to her than many of the guys I met there. There was no relationship between us except we were both trying to get better with each other's help. Recovery can be a slow process, more so for the family than the recovering individual some times.

I don’t know I can’t really make much sense of it myself. It seems this other women seems lonely in her marriage and used my AH during a very vulnerable time in his recovery. That’s what I’ve told myself anyway. He didn’t meet her in the program and I don’t think she knows he’s in AA. So that’s my problem. Their conversations were more along the lines of her reaching out and flirting.

Then your instincts are probably good and he may be trading one escapist obsession for another. I am sorry if that is the case.

When I 1st got sober it was a little like being in a foreign country without knowing the language. Things were unfamiliar and both vivid and frightening.

Early recovery also involves gradually dealing with an enormous amount of shame....owning up to one’s poor judgement and getting honest about the harm done to others. That is scary stuff.

I wish you some moments of calm respite.

Thank you for your comments. He has some awesome family days and then some not so good ones were the kids and I feel like he just doesn’t want to be present with us. The mood swings are rough. I talk it through with the kids they just don’t understand why he’s so grumpy sometimes. This just makes things harder. Before I just blamed his mood swings on his recovery and now I find myself questioning if he’s pulling away maybe talking to someone again. It’s terrible. He just made an already difficult situation worse. I don’t know if I will ever get to the point where I can trust him again or get over this. Now that he’s sober I do find myself reminding him why decisions were made. It seems he’s forgotten about so much. Most of the time I didn’t participate in things or allow the kids to have sleepovers, or invite people over because of his addiction. I’ve just recently realized I’ve protected everyone so much from being exposed that I don’t have any hobbies or friends of my own anymore. I’ve totally lost myself in his addiction. I’ve tried to attend the Al-anon meetings just find them depressing and I leave their so depressed and angry at my AH for putting me through this...and some. I too seek peace and happiness. It’s going to be a long road, but I hope we make it.

In addition to being a recovering alcoholic, I am the child of an alcoholic. So much of what you describe is familiar (and pretty common).

The mood swings are probably his emotional pendulum swinging from "thank god I am doing something positive - what a relief" to "my life is strewn with wreckage that I created and I'll never have that time back"

AA meetings tend to much more buoyant then Al-anon meetings.

Your situation is complicated. Trust your feelings - they are authentic. Do something self-indulgent... just for yourself... this weekend. You deserve that.

Thank you! I’m going to do that. I’m going back to my roots this weekend. Headed back to my families home town to really dig deep in to my life and meditate. I’m going to spend some real quality time with my family. These last few weeks have really been an eye opener for me that’s for sure. I’ve given my AH so much of myself he’s just taken it all for granted and I have nothing more to give. I’m going to think of me for a change. I too am a child of an alcoholic. I just didn’t realize it until my AH acknowledged he was an alcoholic. Then everything in my life began to make much more sense.

How was your time for reflection?

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope your weekend away helped you.

My husband started chatting with women and finding comfort with them after he started drinking. Never mind the fact his drinking started getting worse when he thought it help cover his pain of his fathers death. I was his support and I stuck by him when he was hurting and dealing with this. I was his rock, I took care of their pain and responsibilities. I was the person that took the anger when they threw it at someone. But once he started drinking it was other women that he turned to for emotional intimacy. But 9.5 years later he still turns to other women and has falling in love with 2 of them. I was AN IDIOT and yet I'm still here. But I thought he would notice and change and pick me over the drinking. But he hasn't and hasn't attempted either. Your husband is trying and that says a lot. NO... YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT. You love someone you know is better than the life he is living. I hope that since he is sober you all can get past this and he sees that whatever she is giving him will never be what last a life time and the person that loves him and will help him the most is you. Stay strong and continue to fight for yourself and what you want out of this relationship. Don't continue to give up your life and happiness. Take your stand now you will feel better about it and hopefully he will also see the woman he loves and maybe just maybe you two will come out stronger for it. I wish I had did it years ago but I was weak, ashamed and embarrassed. I'm just now fighting for myself. Talking to a professional might help you all also. I wish you the best and remember to keep fighting for yourself because you need to be strong for these kids no matter where this life takes you.

P.S. I'm not saying he will take the same path as my husband. I'm telling you this so you can see where this path went for someone else and maybe help you figure out how to avoid it happening to you.

I bet more affairs start out simply. Then they progress to much much more.

Stop it now.!
I hate ultimatums. But i'ld have a very serious discussion about consequences.

Thank you all! I was finally able to relax over this past weekend and feel a little more at ease. Sunshine, thank you I’m not ready to give up my fight. I’ve worked to damn hard to just let things go when my ah has come this far in his program. And he’s really showing up for the kids and I and that’s so important to me. Seamus you’re absolutely right too. My ultimatum is the door. My ah is well aware I won’t put up with this bs. He acknowledges everything he’s put me through is wrong, and I no longer sugar coat it and say it’s ok. I’ve started to acknowledge his faults when he admits them, but let him know the best apology is change. Although I do love my ah and can’t see myself walking away right now he will have to gain my trust back. I’m not sure how long that will take, but if it takes him a lifetime of apologies then that’s what he’ll have to do. Thank you Pietro, I filled myself with love and good spirits this weekend. I met up with old friends, and spoiled the kids and I a little bit. It was noce to get away and not worry. I enjoyed it all to well. So did my kids. My heart is full. ♥️

I think this is a common problem with alcoholics, I'm just going through a similar thing. My H has been a really heavy drinker/alcoholic for 20 years due to work stress and lack of self esteem. Last year he was made redundant - in a horrible way, undermined, big shock. He totally lost self esteem and started drinking more and more. My mother was seriously last summer and i had to look after her away for 2 months, during which time my H finished work and went for it with the drinking. I discovered that his first girlfriend (who is anorexic, serious anxiety disorders, regular suicide attempts) had contacted him via Facebook and basically worked on him with flattery til they met up in November and he just went for it with the relationship. He was desperate to give up alcohol and escape anything to do with his work so he's ditched all his friends as well. He's kept off alcohol for 5 months and they're supposedly 'helping each other' but I've been told that a chemical called dopamine is released during an affair or first stages of love, it's the same chemical that's released when people drink alcohol - the feel good chemical! But it wears off, then there's trouble again unless they've REALLY sorted their drinking. My H is just avoiding his own problems by getting involved in all her dramatic problems (and trading one obsession for another). Now he's moving out and wants a divorce. I feel exactly as you do that we suffer so much, give up everything for them and their alcoholism and then they do this to us AND do what they should have done for our marriage, but for someone else. I got some clarity when I went to a family support group the other day - they told me that alcoholics need our attention and sympathy and when they're not getting it they look for it elsewhere. That's what's happening to us - you really need to think about YOU and let him sort himself out, you've suffered enough. Wishing you the best.

I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m not going to be that women. I’ve definitely taken the steps forward to work on myself, physically and mentally. Paying of my bills in the event things change. We’re doing well right now, but I won’t forget. I’m moving forward to ensure I’ll never end up a damsel in distress.

I’m so annoyed with this women who keeps trying to engage with my AH. I’m not sure what I can do. I do t feel like I want to talk to my AH about it because he’ll know I’m going through his phone and that may cause a problem. It doesn’t look like he responds to her but I’d love for her to just go away all together. He’s been getting aggravated lately so I don’t want to provoke him with it. He hasn’t gone to a meeting in about a week or two, but not drinking. I hope he continues to work the program. I think it’s been about 3 months dry for him. I’m surprised

but thankful. I have to count the little blessings.

He needs a meeting at least 1x a week this early in his sobriety. Without that the honesty and authenticity of the effort can be lost and he’ll be a dry drunk rather than a recovering alcoholic.