Good for you! As I've mentioned in a past posting, my AH and I are seeing a marriage counselor. The counselor has been good about asking the right questions and making sure it isn't one sided where my AH is controlling the meetings with the believe that he isn't at fault... Good luck! I may also move toward seeing a therapist on my own.

That's fantastic!! I haven't found the nerve yet so have no real insight. That's such a brave step, please keep us posted on if you think it is helping.

I've been doing online therapy for a few months now, which I know isn't as good as face-to-face, but is the only option in the rural area where I live. It has definitely helped me realize that my point of view and feelings are valid whether my ABF thinks tells me otherwise. She's also helped me with coping skills when it comes to ABF and stress in general. I still have bad days, but overall, I'm feeling SO much better than when I started with my counselor a few months ago. My outlook is more positive and I feel much more capable of handling whatever comes my way. I hope you have a positive experience with it as well!

Thank you, ladies. I've got my first appointment set up for later this week. I'm nervous, but also really eager to begin my own healing. I think this is where we, the spouses/significant others of alcoholics, differ from the alcoholics themselves -- we actually want to get better, badly enough that we read all we can on the subject, come to these support groups on our own, and look forward to getting mentally healthy. I am grateful to be on the other side, the spouse and not the alcoholic.

Caitface -- 2 years ago, we coerced my AH to go to therapy sessions. He lasted about a month, then dropped out (drinking all along). I went with him for the initial interview. At the very end, the therapist turned to me and said, "you have over-tolerated". That was the most liberating thing anyone had ever said to me. I'd been believing what my AH said to me, that the drinking was not that bad, that at least he didn't hit me, that I just am too emotional/sensitive, and that all guys drink a lot. That therapist validated every thought and word that I'd had about my AH's drinking over the years. And it was that moment that I began to believe in myself again. I had been expecting the therapist would tell him and me that his drinking wasn't really like an alcoholic, that he wasn't that bad. I really felt like I had been brainwashed up until then. I'm glad you have the online therapist. You're right, it's better than no therapy.

Cadeer, I'll keep you posted on how it goes. At first, the receptionist wanted to set me up with a male therapist. As she was asking me my info, I felt myself fall apart inside. I've felt like I've been emotionally bullied by the men in my life (alcoholic father, too), and I knew I wouldn't be able to be my complete self with a male therapist, no matter how good he is. I would protect myself, emotionally, and not be really open with him. But I had the guts to ask for a female, and she did find one in the group who would be a good fit, she thought. Like I said in my initial post, today, 2 years ago, I couldn't have been ready. I couldn't have been able to speak up for what I know I need. When you are ready, you will have the courage.

Bloomy, that's good that you feel your counselor understands the dynamic between you and your AH. So many A's totally snow the counselors, and the spouses wind up leaving the therapist's office wondering what just happened there? During the brief time my AH was seeing a therapist, his therapist asked me to come one week, and join them for a session. I declined, as I knew my AH was still drinking, lying, and blaming. I didn't feel like I would have a fair shot at being heard. My AH also did IOP for a while (also coerced into it). The kids and I participated int the family night's a couple of times. Even with being alcohol and drug rehab, I felt on the hot seat a bit too much. My AH made a huge deal about AA saying the spouses are often sicker than the alcoholics. You are much braver than I am. I won't even entertain the idea of doing marriage counseling until my AH has been sober for at least a year, and is working a solid program, like AA. I'm no strong enough to defend myself when he's there.

I have been seeing a counsellor who specializes in working with the partners of alcoholics. Three sessions so far (unfortunately I only get 10). I am doing this for me and will not tell AH about it. This is purely about me and for me.

So far it has given me a safe place (other than here) where I can identify my feelings and talk about then. After our first meeting she gave me an exercise to do; Write a totally honest letter to AH (that he will never see), just pour out everything that comes to mind, do not re-read, do not edit, just write (it does not have to be done at once). She then had me read the letter to her at our second meeting. We talked about what I was feeling, where I was at and what I wanted to do. I identified that I was mourning the loss of love and the fact the AH was poisoning himself and shortening his life through his own actions and that there was nothing I could do to change that. I identified that I could only change myself and do things for me that would help make me happier. I have given myself permission to do at least one nice thing for myself every now and then. (Now I just have to do it :-))

I find that I am looking forward to my next session as this is "me time" with someone who is only focused on "me". Maybe that will my treat, along with eating an ice cream cone while people watching just by myself for 20 minutes.