Hi Pixie18-
As I post and as I read all of our stories, I wonder why all of us continue to stay. I don’t care how much we love our husbands, we don’t have a happy healthy life. We stay...why? In my mind, I want to leave so badly...but I don’t make the move. Is it because it takes too much effort? Financially I’m fine. Is it because we want to stay unhappy? The life you describe is not fair to you...you deserve better! We all do.
I know this reply probably doesn’t provide you with any healthy advice, but just thought all of this while reading your post. Take care of yourself!

Hi,
thanks for this. I agree with you. I think after so many years living with the addiction, it’s difficult to remember that life should not feel that way. Love...yes, the get outof jail card my husband uses a lot. Trouble is, I’m not certain I love him anymore. He says he’s got some councelling booked, so I think I’ll see how that goes. Thanks for your message. It does help a lot to know I’m not on my own and there are more of us in the same boat. Take care and thans again.

I’m with you...I don’t know that I love my husband either. Actually, I’m very angry with him and embarrassed. It’s a vicious cycle. We need to make a plan for ourselves that will make us happy and quite waiting for them to fix themselves. They are ruining us in the meantime. Pretty sure you can feel the angry with my written words. I hope his counseling goes well, but you keep focused on fixing what he has broke in you because we can’t fix them. Wishing all the best!

You’re so right! I have fallen into the trap of putting my hobbies and interests to one side as my husband’s favourite phrase is “Oh, we’ll be able to spend time together’. -He works shifts and so do I. Unfortunately, this time is often tainted by the alcohol. I am working on doing 3-4 things that are for me each day -meditation, exercise and my gratitude journal. That is helping, but I’m only at the beginning. It’s the anger that’s the more tricky part. I feel if I forgive him all the time I end up a doormat, and if I don’t, I harbour resentment. Maybe just taking care of myself until I found an answer is the way to go....! Do you do anything that really helps you? Take care!

I have been married to mine for almost 20 years....it hasn't always been bad. The drinking has really become unbearable for the last 2 years. He is nasty and rotten when he drinks. I am so angry and resentful most of the time. I have to do everything around the house while I work and go to school full time. I am responsible for our kids, though one is 19 and can care for himself mostly. My heart breaks for them. I am financially unable to leave so I am even more resentful that I am essentially trapped here for the time being. I have debt that I have accumulated over the years when I wasn't really concerned about money and now I have the accumulating debt of student loans but I just don't see any other way out of here other than getting an education so I can get a better job. I do my best to look forward to the future and do little things for myself when I can. I do not believe any of my husband's promises or claims anymore that he will stop drinking as the disappointment when reality hits that its all lies is very depressing. I relate to everyone here and am so sorry for all that we suffer through day in and day out.....Hugs.

Pixie...you nailed it when you said you feel like a doormat if you forgive and being angry is resentment. I try to get out of the house in the evenings as much as possible. I can’t sit around and watch him drink and smoke all night. Weekends are hell...I don’t want to be anywhere near him and this weekend I was stuck because of the weather. I know I want to leave, I just don’t want to deal with all of the finding a place and starting all over but being here makes me a person I don’t like. Sad when you don’t even like yourself. We don’t have conversations and frankly the few words that we do speak, I don’t want him to feel like I’m “ok” with him. When I hear a beer can open and I go from zero to 100 in my mind, but I don’t say a word. It’s so difficult living this way and so many of us continue to live this way. We talk about it, write about it but continue to live. We need to grab ahold of ourselves and get it together. We shouldn’t permit an AH to make us live this kind of life!

I know what you mean. I’ve tried to talk to mine about how I still feel hurt after arguing with him earlier in the week. All I got was denial and shoulder shrugs. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get back the man I married. Thanks for all your kind words, it means a lot x

Oh my gosh I am so glad I found this site , to know I am not alone and that their is people out there feeling the same way I do . The popping of the can does me the same way and to be home with him drives me crazy watching him drink . This evening after work he drank a liter of wine he supposedly bought for me which I didn’t want anyway because I can’t stand to even socially drink a glass anymore because of him .

Unfortunately in my experience it doesn't get better. It gets worst many times before it gets better if it ever gets better. My AH has been in & out of rehab countless of times and with the world we live in today..theres so many triggers for him so he easily relapse. His friends he refuse to give up are also a trigger. I actually took the advise of another woman who posted on a different post. That was..if I do decide to stay I need to detach myself from the toxic lifestyle of a alcoholic..and focus on myself and children. Since doing that I have been feeling better about it...its still there and gets to me but it's nice to not carry so much of my AH load on my shoulders all the time. Life is too short...I personally wouldnt still be in my marriage if I had the immediate funds to get out of the relationship.

We tell ourselves we do it because we love them, because we want to fight for our relationship. But do we really love them when or do we simply love the idea of what they would be like sober?
I told him tonight I didn't love who he had become anymore. We have a daughter, she celebrates her 6th birthday on Monday. What role model is he for her?
We have been together 20 years, he went a month into rehab in October and now, he's let his best buddy in again. We just don't stand a chance. I said to him today that he needed to leave, to find himself a flat where he could drink every night to his heart content. I didnideolize that rehab place, that I did, thought that he would come out another man. He days hes trying but all I see are the lies, the hidden bottles and the broken promises again...

Oh and the mind games of course.he left tonight without his bank cards or his phone and told me to have a happy life. We don't have a family around so hes probably sitting in a park in the middle of the night. He also told me to enjoy our daughters birthday party at the week end, to which I replied, why are younounishing her now?
I'm so exhausted :(

So he came back of course. He said he was that close to throwing himself off the bridge. Mind games again you see. Angry at himself deep down but of course its easier for them to throw that anger towards us isn't it? I read a post from someone tonight I really liked and I think I will continue on using as long as we live together. Until I finally say no more for good. It said to him 'I am bored of this game, I don't want to play anymore I quit. Let me know when the real you appears again as I have no interest whatsoever in talking to HIM'

I have lost 10 kilos since he went into rehab and came out drinking again. The anxiety is so strong, it prevents me from eating a thing. I need to somehow not let it get to me but the worst thing is that our little daughter is sensing something is wrong and is forever trying to take sides. Not healthy for a 6 year old is it? I'm sorry I needed to let it out tonight. I'm absolutely drained. Big love to everyone in here. We must be the most resilient people in the world.

I am Sorry that you are going through this Panda. It is such a horrible, dreadful feeling when they stop drinking for while and you allow yourself that glimmer of hope and then you start finding the hidden bottles or you look at them and just know that they are drinking. It is an unbearable feeling. It is very hard to detach yourself from the alcoholic merry go round. Peaceful thoughts to you and Happy Birthday to your daughter.

Been with mine for 31 years and he has just reached the point where he CANNOT take another drink because his liver is shot and his stomach is extremely distended (he looks 15 months pregnant. Twice in the past couple of months he had to go to the hospital to get liquid drained from his belly (they took out 16 liters of fluid - THAT'S 8 2 LITER BOTTLES OF POP.

I have given up and my sadness, resentment, and worry have turned to HATRED. I am very resentful that I must go with him to the emergency room, sit there for hours until they get him a room and then I had to visit him every day like a good wife. I HATED IT.

When he was in the hospital for 5 days, I had the time of my life without his dark cloud jerk ass at home. I blasted my heavy metal music without him to tell me to turn it down, I sang at the top of my lungs, and I played with my dogs who I usually have to keep quiet because PRINCESS DRUNK FUCKTARD is trying to sleep.

Now he is very sick, can't sleep, can't eat, and he is taking his frustration out on me. Over the dumbest of things (I ate some of his fritos and he blew a gasket, I didn't latch the back door properly, the dogs are barking (duh), he thinks I stole his lighter, etc.).

Had a little pow wow this morning about his physical condition (he started the conversation). Telling me he can't sleep, his stomach hurts, he may have to go to the hospital again) and I stood there and listened. A half hour later, he was still awake even though he said he was going to bed. So I ask "do you think you could sleep now? Are you tired? AND THIS DOUCHEBAG SAYS: WHY DO YOU KEEP BUGGING ME ABOUT SLEEP? WHY ARE SO WORRIED ABOUT IF I SLEEP? I just took my dogs in my room and shut the door.

Next time he checks into the hospital, I think I am NOT GOING TO GO and just sit with his cranky ass for hours like the dutiful wife. Does anyone else have to face this?