Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Long story short. My bf and I have been together for almost 2 1/2 years. His drinking (nightly) has always been an issue for me. It's the only thing we have ever been at odds about. I've tried so many ways to be ok with it... rationalizing that his drinking has never led to anger, disrespect, embarrassment (his or mine), job loss, dui's, broken plans, broken friendships, etc. He truly is one of the nicest, most thoughtful, hard-working, generous and genuine men you could ever meet.
He can get through an entire day, even a really crappy/stressful one, without a drink. But every night around 10pm, regardless of whether his day was fantastic or a pile of sh*t hit the fan, he pours a drink. He says it he enjoys it; it helps him relax. I get that. What bothers me is the amount. 10-12oz. of hard liquor, sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more... every night.
For a while now, I've felt stuck. I know in my heart that I cannot move forward with this relationship, no matter how much I love him. I have a relentless nagging in the pit of my stomach that it would be a mistake... that this is going to get worse.
So, tonight, I summoned up all the courage I had in me and I told him how I felt - that I'll never be ok with him drinking every night. Since this has come up before, I knew that being so honest would very likely mean the end of our relationship, but I had to take that risk. I want to move forward with him, but I can't. I won't. And I don't want to be stuck anymore.
I poured my heart out, cried a little, and said goodnight. He said goodnight, and nothing more. I got out of his truck and walked inside. He drove away.
My first thought when I got inside was "What the hell did I just do?!?!"... but I know in my heart that I had to do it. I know he probably feels totally blindsided - the past few months have been some of the best we've had - and I am overwhelmed with guilt. Now I just feel so lost.
He can get through an entire day, even a really crappy/stressful one, without a drink. But every night around 10pm, regardless of whether his day was fantastic or a pile of sh*t hit the fan, he pours a drink. He says it he enjoys it; it helps him relax. I get that. What bothers me is the amount. 10-12oz. of hard liquor, sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more... every night.
For a while now, I've felt stuck. I know in my heart that I cannot move forward with this relationship, no matter how much I love him. I have a relentless nagging in the pit of my stomach that it would be a mistake... that this is going to get worse.
So, tonight, I summoned up all the courage I had in me and I told him how I felt - that I'll never be ok with him drinking every night. Since this has come up before, I knew that being so honest would very likely mean the end of our relationship, but I had to take that risk. I want to move forward with him, but I can't. I won't. And I don't want to be stuck anymore.
I poured my heart out, cried a little, and said goodnight. He said goodnight, and nothing more. I got out of his truck and walked inside. He drove away.
My first thought when I got inside was "What the hell did I just do?!?!"... but I know in my heart that I had to do it. I know he probably feels totally blindsided - the past few months have been some of the best we've had - and I am overwhelmed with guilt. Now I just feel so lost.
Unfortunately, until he is really ready you can't force him or convince him otherwise. I spent 2+ years after the first time REALLY threatening to end our marriage before I was really and truly done with his drinking and ready to lose him and everything over it. I was lucky that he knew at that point that I really was serious and he would lose me and his kids. It took great courage to tell him this, but I was really done and I knew the alternative wasn't good either.
Even if he chooses recovery it is a lifelong struggle. I'm decades into my relationship, have little kids and now it is just not that simple to leave (and he's working really hard so I don't feel I need to now).
But in all honesty, had I known only a few years into our relationship what I know now I don't know that I would've gone forward with marriage or kids. No regrets, but it is hard, really, really hard. Sober or drinking. But he has to be ready to stop. Maybe you can find some studies that show how alcohol actually makes sleep worse? Would he be receptive to the facts? I know there are reports out there somewhere. Big hug to you!
I've shared all of this with him. It's been a week today since I told him how I felt, and I haven't heard from him. Only time will tell if our future is as important to him as it is to me. If his dreams are greater than his fear of change.