Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Long story short. My bf and I have been together for almost 2 1/2 years. His drinking (nightly) has always been an issue for me. It's the only thing we have ever been at odds about. I've tried so many ways to be ok with it... rationalizing that his drinking has never led to anger, disrespect, embarrassment (his or mine), job loss, dui's, broken plans, broken friendships, etc. He truly is one of the nicest, most thoughtful, hard-working, generous and genuine men you could ever meet.
He can get through an entire day, even a really crappy/stressful one, without a drink. But every night around 10pm, regardless of whether his day was fantastic or a pile of sh*t hit the fan, he pours a drink. He says it he enjoys it; it helps him relax. I get that. What bothers me is the amount. 10-12oz. of hard liquor, sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more... every night.
For a while now, I've felt stuck. I know in my heart that I cannot move forward with this relationship, no matter how much I love him. I have a relentless nagging in the pit of my stomach that it would be a mistake... that this is going to get worse.
So, tonight, I summoned up all the courage I had in me and I told him how I felt - that I'll never be ok with him drinking every night. Since this has come up before, I knew that being so honest would very likely mean the end of our relationship, but I had to take that risk. I want to move forward with him, but I can't. I won't. And I don't want to be stuck anymore.
I poured my heart out, cried a little, and said goodnight. He said goodnight, and nothing more. I got out of his truck and walked inside. He drove away.
My first thought when I got inside was "What the hell did I just do?!?!"... but I know in my heart that I had to do it. I know he probably feels totally blindsided - the past few months have been some of the best we've had - and I am overwhelmed with guilt. Now I just feel so lost.
He can get through an entire day, even a really crappy/stressful one, without a drink. But every night around 10pm, regardless of whether his day was fantastic or a pile of sh*t hit the fan, he pours a drink. He says it he enjoys it; it helps him relax. I get that. What bothers me is the amount. 10-12oz. of hard liquor, sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more... every night.
For a while now, I've felt stuck. I know in my heart that I cannot move forward with this relationship, no matter how much I love him. I have a relentless nagging in the pit of my stomach that it would be a mistake... that this is going to get worse.
So, tonight, I summoned up all the courage I had in me and I told him how I felt - that I'll never be ok with him drinking every night. Since this has come up before, I knew that being so honest would very likely mean the end of our relationship, but I had to take that risk. I want to move forward with him, but I can't. I won't. And I don't want to be stuck anymore.
I poured my heart out, cried a little, and said goodnight. He said goodnight, and nothing more. I got out of his truck and walked inside. He drove away.
My first thought when I got inside was "What the hell did I just do?!?!"... but I know in my heart that I had to do it. I know he probably feels totally blindsided - the past few months have been some of the best we've had - and I am overwhelmed with guilt. Now I just feel so lost.
Sounds like you are a lot like me! I enjoy work, come home and play games on the computer. I take care of my 17 year old daughter, we also have a son 22 and a married daughter 29. They are very close to me but rarely talk or communicate with their father. When he left he did not take anything that reminded him of us. I can't understand why!!! I too have no friends where we live but do have a few who are life long friend that I did not allow him to run off. I just wanted him to love us and be with us but I couldn't make it happen. What do I do now. IF you are still in the marriage then what are you going to do to help you? I am waiting for him to serve the divorce papers! I keep thinking that he will stop drinking and do better at life without me. Then I will feel really lost because I would think I should have stuck it out with him. He is a smart man but just has a drinking problem. He always said that he drink because of me. I guess I am not a good person.
I miss him so very much and can't help but wonder what he's thinking/feeling. But I know I have to step back and let this unfold on its own and in its own time. There is nothing I can do to change or fix this.
I know you are sad, but trust me, you are on the right path.
Things will work out.
I can't change him, nor have I tried to. I haven't nagged or yelled or anything about his drinking (which drives a couple of my friends nuts.. lol..) because those are negative behaviors that accomplish nothing. But I have had conversations with him where he's been very open to listening to how I feel and my worries and concerns.
In the almost 2.5 years that we've been together, I've only seen him drunk twice - and he could tell you about both times, and admit that it was too much. It doesn't change the fact that he drinks a large amount of hard alcohol every single night, though. That every night we've spent together, every weekend away, every vacation... it was me, him, and a bottle of scotch. That everything I've read in the last 6+ months points to the fact that - someday - it will get worse. I love him dearly, but I can't live the rest of my life like that.
My heart is open to him, and always will be. He is an amazing man. But he has to figure this out on his own.