Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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Feeling so lost...

Jennifer75
Jennifer75
Long story short. My bf and I have been together for almost 2 1/2 years. His drinking (nightly) has always been an issue for me. It's the only thing we have ever been at odds about. I've tried so many ways to be ok with it... rationalizing that his drinking has never led to anger, disrespect, embarrassment (his or mine), job loss, dui's, broken plans, broken friendships, etc. He truly is one of the nicest, most thoughtful, hard-working, generous and genuine men you could ever meet.

He can get through an entire day, even a really crappy/stressful one, without a drink. But every night around 10pm, regardless of whether his day was fantastic or a pile of sh*t hit the fan, he pours a drink. He says it he enjoys it; it helps him relax. I get that. What bothers me is the amount. 10-12oz. of hard liquor, sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more... every night.

For a while now, I've felt stuck. I know in my heart that I cannot move forward with this relationship, no matter how much I love him. I have a relentless nagging in the pit of my stomach that it would be a mistake... that this is going to get worse.

So, tonight, I summoned up all the courage I had in me and I told him how I felt - that I'll never be ok with him drinking every night. Since this has come up before, I knew that being so honest would very likely mean the end of our relationship, but I had to take that risk. I want to move forward with him, but I can't. I won't. And I don't want to be stuck anymore.

I poured my heart out, cried a little, and said goodnight. He said goodnight, and nothing more. I got out of his truck and walked inside. He drove away.

My first thought when I got inside was "What the hell did I just do?!?!"... but I know in my heart that I had to do it. I know he probably feels totally blindsided - the past few months have been some of the best we've had - and I am overwhelmed with guilt. Now I just feel so lost.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Your a smart girl... Always trust your gut. I wish I did the same thing 2 1/2 years into our relationship when in hindsight all the signs were there. If it is ment to be... It will be. Give him some time to digest this, things have a funny way of becoming normalized overtime which is probably what happened to him. Keep your foot down, if he's committed to you before the drink he will change his ways. If not then you can sleep well and live with no remorse knowing you avoided a life of bullshit... Cuz trust me it always gets worse!
Best of luck and stay strong! ;)
deleted_user
deleted_user
You did the right thing. Looking back, I wish I would never have married my AH, knowing at the time he was an alcoholic, but I was pregnant and needed his insurance to pay for the cost of having the baby. I should have just walked away then. My gut and my heart were telling me "don't do it," but I just couldn't face hurting him so badly and being alone with the baby. Boy, was I stupid!!! I was alone with the baby anyway!!! The day I came home from the hospital, AH was sober. Neighbor brought a meal that needed to be fixed - spaghetti noodles, homemade sauce, salad in a bag, and a can of biscuits. I LOVE canned biscuits. AH complained that he had to actually cook the noodles. And when I asked if he would fix the biscuits, he told me, "if you want biscuits, you can fix them yourself." I couldn't believe it! I should have known then that life was going to be HELL from then on!
deleted_user
deleted_user
You listened to your emotional and rational side and that you made the wisest decision. Heartbreak is hard, but I can honestly tell you from experience that the roller coaster of alcoholism and recovery is even harder. Your heart might be broken and in pain for a while but will heal with time. Ask any spouse married to an alcoholic and they will tell you that their heart breaks every time a drink is poured, every time there is a hangover and every time the drink is prioritized over the loved ones.

You are smart, strong and wise. How I wish I had had the balls (like you) to tell my AH that I was not ok with the nightly drinking (3 - 5 drinks), it has been painful to deal with it now because I was quiet for so long. So give yourself a beak, feel everything you have to feel, mourn the end if that is the case and know that you really made a decision based on what is best for you in the long run.
11Christmases
11Christmases
Jennifer75, you don't sound lost to me at all, you sound smart.

I have so many times when I could have made a clean break and gotten away from my AH, before we got married. The longer you are together, the harder it gets to leave. Now we are divorcing and I'm losing a lot of money that I saved over the years while he spent anything extra he had on alcohol, boats, RVs, you name it. So, so unfair. You are very wise to leave now. Please maintain strong boundaries with him. These alcoholics are masters of manipulation.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My husband of 30 years left today and I really don't know what to do. I have been doing everything around the house for a while but now I know that it's truly all on me. He is an alcoholic and has been for some time. He hides it well but when the doors close it there. I raised our children and to date there is no relationship with him and the kids. They have often told me to get out but for some reason I always stayed. I am a cancer survivor, stage 4 lymphoma but somehow the loss of someone walking out of your life is worse. He has sat around and called his girlfriend in the house and put it on speaker phone, he curses, fuss and lately we have had a physical altercation. I just think that its all my fault and somehow I am trying to live with this. I wanted it to work, I even left for 5 months but he called and promised to get help but didn't. His cousin is always around, driving him, talking or whatever which caused a big problem for us. His cousin loss his family and now he has contributed to me losing mind. My husband has several hospital visits for alcoholics accidents' and a DUI. I will seek divorce but how do I deal with the fact that I feel so unloved, lonely and sad.
keatamax
keatamax
Kennedy - it sounds like you were already feeling unloved, lonely and sad while living with him - at least now you may find peace and calm in your life with him gone. He sounds like a mean bully and you didn't deserve to be treated so badly. There are handymen you can hire if you need help around the house. He's put you down for so long that you forgot that you are a competent woman and CAN take care of yourself and survive without him. Once you get a few small accomplishments under your belt, your self esteem will come back.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you so much and I know that you are right but somehow I just want to crawl under a rock and hide how I truly feel. I've been through a lot but this feels like someone has died. I want to run and ask him to take me back, just hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok but I know that is not the right thing for me. I feel as if I will never find love again and that the whole world has turned it's back on me. Sooner or later I will have to realize that he has moved on and found someone that will make him happy. No one wants to be left but for now that is me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have heard divorce or leaving a long term relationship is like a death. I guess a part of you has to grieve before it can heal. Leaving is a hard step. I tried before and went back...one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.
Jennifer75
Jennifer75
I know I can't continue the way things are, and the reality is that they are not likely to change. It was the hardest thing to do - be completely honest with him about how I feel. That I am never going to be ok with his drinking. It was the first time I'd ever said those words out loud, and to him.

I know it will take time to heal. We live only a couple miles apart and have mutual friends. At some point, I know we will speak again, if only to return personal belongings.

I can imagine right now he is feeling hurt... and blindsided. He didn't see this coming. I never wanted to hurt him. I know his drinking is not done purposefully to hurt me. But I have to stay true to me.

I can't imagine my life without him in it, but I can't fix this. It's not mine to fix.

Being brave isn't all it's cracked up to be. This feeling absolutely sucks. I walked away from everything I've ever wanted and dreamed of and don't want to live without... because of one thing I cannot live with.
deleted_user
deleted_user
GraceNdesire, are you still with you spouse? How are things? What keeps you going? How do you find purpose in your life?
How do you smile when there is nothing to smile about?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Jennifer, have you seen him? What was your reaction? I know that we have a lot of hurt in the forum but how can we channel it in a positive way. I sit and cry and night more now then I did before? What must I do?
als1969
als1969
Jennifer75 - you said u walked away from all u ever dreamed off because of one thing..let me tell you that if you had stayed together and he continued to drink that would of happened anyway. Alcoholics take our dreams..our hopes and our lives away from us. We as the loving nondrinker allow this disease to take away our life too. If he loves you and wants a life with u..he will get help and try to stop but..here's the important part..hrs has to want to stop for himself..no alcoholic has ever or will ever stop for someone else. They have to acknowledge that they have a problem and want to alter the course for themselves. You have made the right choice here ..stay true to yourself..don't let your emotions lead you back into a situation you know is wrong. I have been with my AH for 14yrs of hell..my own health is now starting to fail due to the stress this lifestyle. Please..please..save yourself and your future children from this type of life..it really does just get worse as time passes. Don't become one of us wives..I will be praying that you remain stead fast in your strength and that your bf sees what he is doing to himself and his future and seeks the help that he needs. Hugs to you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Can't stop crying!!!!!!! Need help with this!!!!! I feel like he is sitting somewhere laughing at me (been done before) by him and his girlfriend. What to do?
NovScorp
NovScorp
Kennedy,there is life after divorce..Trust me..and you will find love again. But just give it time..From counseling ect I learned we can not make good choices for ourselves right away so its best to wait 3 years before making a commitment to someone else. you need time to heal. It might not feel like it now but it is a blessing in disguise. I had a very wise women tell me as long as we hold onto relationships that are not right for us it does not allow the ones that are to enter.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Jennifer75, I hope you trust your gut on this one. Sometimes our hearts want something that may not be the best for us…. your intuitions know better. I have been married for 5 years and am expecting my 3rd child very soon. We were happy for a while, but the fact of the matter is that an alcoholic is an alcoholic. Take away the bottle and he is still an alcoholic. It will manifest itself in different ways. He has to know he has a problem, want help, and actually seek it out and apply himself to a working solution in order for him to be a valuable part of any future family you might have (whether just the two of your or with children). If he doesn't think there is a problem now, GO!

GraceNdesire, do you mind sharing how things are now? Has your husband sought help or joined any 12 step programs? I have considered filing, looks like it would be quite difficult though given my circumstances. I do have some hope as he is trying to get help…… wondering if its false hope :(

If any of you follow blogs… please check out my new one. http://lifeloveandlaughterwithanaddict.blogspot.com. I created it as a way for me to connect with other wives and mommas…. hoping it will help me keep the stress down. With a baby on the way, I'm so desperate for peace and know that God will give it to those that search and ask for it.