I am glad you are here and willing to share.... and seek advice and support. That shows you are truly doing the best you can under very adverse and (sounds like) deteriorating conditions. That is admirable.

I am a recovering alcoholic with 20+ years of sobriety but dealing with the residual effects of my childhood with a high functioning alcoholic father (and codependent "everything is fine, you're dad is just a little grumpy" mother) is still burden at times. I'm not a professional....just someone who finds this place enlightening and a good tool to sort out my own baggage.


"It has become my full-time job to shield our kids from the knowledge that he is an alcoholic"

They are probably a lot more dialed in than you might think.

There are libraries of self help books on the children of alcoholics and the myths & truths of the world they navigate being in a codependent family. When there is such a stark contrast between who you are and who everyone else thinks you are, that tends to make everything seem a bit upside-down. Makes later life even more confusing than it is in the 1st place.

Sounds like your husband is set in his ways and unlikely to have an epiphany and seek the help he needs. Is there a family history of alcohol abuse? You are, more or less, captive in the situation and have concluded there is more to lose than to gain by leaving. That is sad, but the lesser of two evils is sometimes the best option available.

My advice to you is this: take care of yourself - A LOT. Find things that are the tiniest little victories and pleasures for yourself and do them. Same for your kids. Your family situation is physically and emotionally unhealthy - use every tool in your toolbox to counterbalance that with the choices you can make. Walking and being around trees has miraculous power.

I would also be very careful about protecting your kids from "the truth" too much. Their ages matter a lot here, but they deserve to know some version of the truth and will, eventually, figure it out anyway. They will be much more well-adjusted adults if they can look back and say "mom was doing the best she could when times were tough" rather than being angry and resentful that you were somehow complicit in some sort of a grand deception.

There is a saying in AA, "you're only as sick as your secrets." There is something to that. If you keep as few as you can, you and your kids will be just fine.

may the force be with you

I've been in this for 20 years now. My boys are 14 and almost 17. They were unaware of his drinking until we would say something about it. When he quit for 3 years, they found out and again recently, when I told them that it has been a problem again for the last few years.

The reason I kept it from them when they were young was so that they would have a good childhood. And talking to them now, they said they did. We have tons of memories from all the fun the three of us had together. So, I feel good about that. But now they are old enough to fully comprehend and understand what is going on.

Mine is also a FA, but just barely these days. He isn't home much and he is usually drunk when he is. But at this point, I take care of the the boys, house and so on, while he is out or is hiding back in the bedroom. He does spend a lot of our spare money on liquor. I have been upset about that, but lately has even gone further with that. I had to step up and say that his spending is way out of control and is affecting the family. That I will not put up with that. I spend most of the money that I spend on the family and his is not benefitting the family at all. That he is being selfish and needs to stop it. But I am at a point that I can talk to him this way, because I have decided to take the ranes and be the grown up and speak my mind when I need to.

Pull out your inner super hero and be the hero of the family and fight against the forces of evil that are threatening to totally destroy and all that come in its path. Trust me, I have already been totally broken down and had to start rebuilding myself from so many years of living with and alcoholic husband.

Blessing and strength to you sister.

Thank you both for taking the time to respond and for the advice. I must admit that it feels good to actually talk about it and admit what’s going on, I feel just a little less alone tonight so thank you.

hi
I just found this online support group and hope to find others that are "co-dependent" like me. I actually attended a CoDa support group several years ago and was better for awhile. now, I'm back where I began, married to another alcoholic and numb. I don't have anyone to talk to because being codependent I've either hidden it from everyone and kinda dropped out of the social scene. There is so much shame living with an alcoholic... I desperately need to get my head straight. anyone out there?

I’m sorry and I totally understand. I have hidden it from everyone because it is shameful and embarrassing. When I bring it up to him it’s a huge fight, that’s what happened tonight. It is very lonely

we had a serious incident over the 4th July holiday. I talked to him when he was sober and said the I won't live this way (not can't) any more. I suggested he should seek professional help because he has attempted to quit many times and ends up drinking again. As far as I can tell he has not been drinking while at home for a week, however he is now out of town on business. This is a pattern - and I know its just a matter of time and back to drinking., My issue, being codependent is to forgive and end up back to square one. I'm so frustrated and want to be strong... I even attended an online CoDa meeting last night....

Did you find that helpful? Maybe I should look into that. I feel like I have to hide it and cover it up, especially with my family. I come from a religious background where any drinking is seen as a sin. My parents taught me and my siblings not to drink at all. I had one sister that didn’t listen and ended up being an alcoholic and passing away due to that about five years ago. So I don’t tell my family because number one, I’m just really embarrassed that I chose to marry a drinker, and number two, because I don’t want to put any worry on my aging parents. We also had a big argument this weekend. We need s new car and I pointed out the fact that he drinks away a large car payment every month and he has to spend less if we want to be able to afford a car. Of course he changed the fight around to bring up every other fight we’ve ever had, not dealing with the actual issue. So frustrating! You hang in there and stay strong and I will try to do the same.

Mine is also HFA. I have chosen to be open & honest with my kids about it( age appropriate ). Probably because when I was a kid everything was hidden from me. I try not to talk negatively or complain, I try to teach through it, I can’t protect my kids from everything but I can teach them tools and wisdom, going to counseling helps me . Also a very big important thing is to take care of yourself doing as many little things & big things that you enjoy, doing this helps me to have more energy and be a better mother .