Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Worst Case Scenarios

Lacie75
Lacie75

Hi!  Delighted to find this site!  I have been what I thot of as a "successful widow" for three years now ... we were married 33 years and together 42 years, since we were young teenagers. I was always very independent and when widowed was not terrified to face life alone.  Mike was very ill w/kidney failure the last 12 years of his life.   The only real problem I have encountered that persists is I expect anything and everything to be a complete worse case scenario.   Examples:  take car in b/c it is shaking (it needed an alignment) ... I was sure mechanic was going to tell me the car was done for; took myself to MedExpress for a sore throat (it was a virus easily treated) ... I had myself so worked up crying & worrying I had some terrible disease I made myself sicker; septic system pumped, I am braced to be told I have to replace it.   I know where it is coming from, I just do not know how to change this.  From the moment Mke was diagnosed at age 44 with kidney failure, for the next 12 years, every doctor appointment was more bad news ... every day something else was wrong ... contacting insurance company sooooooooo worst case scenario ... I could go on for hours.   Is this worse case scenario common among widows/widowers?   I know I am fortunate if this is the only problem I have faced after a spouse died but this is beginning to have adverse affects on me and I want to move on ... happy!   If anyone has any thoughts, good or bad, postive or negative, please post!

luckydaughter
luckydaughter
Hi Lacie. I think you said it best when you said that "from the moment Mike was diagnosed at age 44 with kidney failure, for the next 12 years , every doctor appointment was more bad news............every day something else was wrong..............." After living that way for so many years, it would be hard to feel like you AREN'T in a crisis.

My husband and I were together for 30 years. We had a good life, a beautiful family and he was getting ready to retire early when, in a period of five months, my father, my husband and I were all diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. I am the only one who survived. It is hard for me to "trust" life again and that might be where you are coming from as well.

Sylvia
Gatormom
Gatormom
I get what you mean. My husband passed away 3 weeks ago, after being sick for years. For the past 3 years it felt like we had this dark cloud following us, and we were always at the bottom of Maslow's ladder reaching for the bottom rung. I think we've gotten used to dealing with bad news, and never catching a break. I don't want to say I'm jaded, but I've been through enough that nothing shocks or surprises me. We've have to give up hopes and dreams for the future, like retirement plans. But through all that has happened, it's strengthen my faith and relationship with my Lord, and I've learned that God's ways are not our ways, and his timing isn't our timing, but his timing and plans are best. It's not like I'm walking around depressed, but let's say cautious. I still have plans, hopes and dreams, but know I need to be flexible.
jdp
jdp
Your outcomes were negative for so long, you just expect the worst. It's understandable.
Think now on the events that you related in your post, they didn't turn out as bad as you thought.
It's relearning how to anticipate. It will take time. You've had many previous unpleasant decisions.
Think now, it's not going to be all that bad, time will tell. Hopefully then it won't adversely affect your health.
Find something positive in each day
jdp
scottito
scottito
Lacie, you've hit the nail on the head. This works for me. I just don't worry about anything. How? I just think, Well, what's the worst that can happen? Oh, that's right, it already did, Juanita died. Everything else pales in comparison to that and it frees me from wasting energy on worrying about things I am powerless over. Call me irresponsible, a carefree emotional wreck, or happy go lucky. Seems to be working for me. Everything else pales in comparison. Hang in there, you're doing great. ~~~ Scottie
Lurch0
Lurch0
Lacie everyone handles their situation differently. For me just coming to this sight and talking about it and how you feel makes it so much easier on me. My kids have been great through all of this. I feel the Lord has given me the strength to get on with my life.
Lacie75
Lacie75
Oh, my goodness ... T H A N K S to all of you! It touches me, each of you taking the time to answer!
I extend my heart to each of you in your loss. Oh my gosh, this anticipation of the very worse, I just gotta work on it, knowing others have experienced what I described, is the first step toward stopping the worse case scenarios.
suet
suet
Pray for guidance into something that will be productive and helpful to someone else. Trust that the Lord has more for you to do in a world hurting from the cold blast of “reality air”.
Lacie75
Lacie75
HI! Popping in to read the posts and would like to add to this one I started months ago ... I have made some progress with the WORSE CASE SCENARIO situation! Thank you for all the encouragement back in March! It is so nice to have this board to come to and just read and occ post
pahatfi
pahatfi
My husband also had many health issues before he died, dialysis three times a week plus doctor visits for his heart problems. He lived for two years with v-tach the last 11 months with dialysis. He was told that he couldn't tolerate dialysis because of his heart. they wanted to do a kidney transplant but would have had to do a heart transplant too. He decided not to do those things and just let nature take its course.
msgood
msgood
Agree with you Scottito I say way to much" What ever" it works for me. I know I have posted this before but here goes.......Fate whispers to the warrior,"you can not withstand the storm" The warrior whispers back, "I am the storm"
Hugs Jeanne
handg
handg
Adding my 2 cents...I had events in my life leading to my husband's passing that had me thinking that the worst probably would be my end result...Bust has Scottie pointing out, losing my spouse was my worst and I started facing life with "What's the worst that can happen " in a more positive manner . 6 months into my grieve I made a choice to get up every morning , look outside and tell myself this simple phrase "My glass is half full what can I do to make it fuller"... It was a way to reverse the negative thinking ...Trust me there were many days that glass tipped over and emptied itself but by telling myself to look forward to some positive made the shift in my brain.

It made me a fighter ready for the worst instead of fearing the worst.

4.5 years later it is that attitude that had me go get an education 30+ years after graduating high school and the results are that I am starting a full time position in 2 days time, taking control of my finances and staying put longer in the mortgaged house I have ...The worst did try to happen but it did not... The worst is only as bad now a days as I allow it to be.
Lielie
Lielie
Hi Lacie, I used to be a glass half full person, now, 5 months after my husband passed, I am a glass half empty person, too much to handle and cope with, but I hope/ pray my glass will become half full again and I can have your positive attitude
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