Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I don't know what to do. Just need to talk. I haven't posted much on this site in the last year or so because I am so ashamed that I just cannot get past the sadness of losing my husband, even now after 2 years and 4 months. It is with me no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I have attended grief groups, I've seen a grief counselor and a regular counselor. I try to get out and stay busy. I am not a church goer, but I do believe and I pray fervently. I've tried antidepressants. But that cloud of sadness is always there.
My husband died suddenly in front of me. We had been married 45 years, and started dating when I was 16. He was my first and only love. We had a strong marriage and took good care of each other. We both worked hard, but we also enjoyed our free time. We liked doing things together, but we also had our own individual interests. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we didn't have to be together 24 hours a day to be happy. I thought when he died that I would move forward faster because of that. In actuality, sometimes even now I am hit in the gut with the fact that he's really dead. That unexpected instant of horror replays in my mind with no warning.
I have 2 children and 5 grandchildren. We've always been a close family. I thank God every day for all that he has blessed me with. But the sadness persists. As I wrote in an earlier post, it is at its worst when I wake up. It's there all day, but gets better in the evening. I feel that I am moving forward, but I don't have a passion for anything. I suffer from anxiety, and I think it is from trying so hard to find normal self and be able to really enjoy life rather than pretending.
I really don't know why I'm writing. I've just been more down than usual lately. I read all the posts and most here are in the early days of grief. Please don't let me alarm you. You all seem to be doing so amazingly well. I just have nowhere else to turn. Forgive me if I've brought anyone down. T
Linda
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Today I feel grateful. Grateful for my dog Blue (Blue Jean Baby Queen, Prettiest girl I've ever seen). Grateful I'm still kickin'. Grateful I'm finally taking responsibility for my health. Grateful I own my home. Grateful for good friends and neighbors who watch over me. Grateful to God for His everlasting love and patience with me. Grateful I survived the 10 years since my wife of 30 years...
Always always remember this line:
There's that famous line from Magnolia ... I'm through with the past. ... Well, the past isn't through with you. And that is exactly what this is. You know, you can say you're through with grief all you want, but grief will let you know when it's done.
Here's the full article of that quote
https://www.dailystrength.org/journals/patton-oswalt-explains-how-pop-culture-gets-grieving-all-wrong
However, I also think that as you are further along and be able to be pragmatic to your feelings and problems, you will rebound quicker.
Even tho I was not married, or even still dating my ex boyfriend, we had been together for 10 years and he broke up with me because of his illness. He had colon cancer, but he almost died from a ruptured colon after his reversal surgery, he was septic and in intensive care for 3 weeks. And then in the hospital for 5 months. Even after going home he was very limited as to what he could do. He fought for 4 years and we spoke every day and I saw him a few times a month. He lived with his 85 year old Mom, who basically cared for him at home. Still I didn't realize how sick he really was. I knew his cancer had spread but he never let on how bad it was. He died October 14 of this year. I am just giving some backround that maybe describes why I can't get past his death. Don't get me wrong I am functioning ok. I am even happy. I am usually happy and on an even keel. But I think about Bill every day, and most days at some point I still cry. I understand completely the spouses who were together for so many years and why they can't get past their grief. But I don't quite understand why I can't. I mean even tho we didn't live together or date anymore he was still my go to person and I still loved him very much. I am 65 and have lost my parents quite a while ago and other loved ones but this is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I just keep reliving everything and second guessing my choices. I guess I am writing here today(I have posted before) in order to get validation that what I am feeling is normal? Hugs to you Linda!
That the pain will linger on
Till the day that we will be with our other half.i truly beleive that its normal to greive till the time comes,so their is no shame im greiving for as as it takes
I was devastated and had no idea what I was going to survive. I had never lived alone. At the 2 year mark the pain and sadness remained. I had to work on me. Discover who I was besides wife and mother. I spent a lot of time evaluating me. It was hard,but I finally found myself.
Around the 3rd year I connected with a high school friend's brother and learned his wife had died the same time as my husband. We became friends and supported each other. I know you're sad. You will find a way to live again. Hugs,
I had a Drs appointment on Monday 6/26. Six month check up. He was also my wife's physician. He asked me how I was dealing with my wife's death. His exact words were..."Are you over it yet?" That coming from a physician. I lit him up....I'll never be over it. Among other things I said to him.....You would think a physician would choose his words more carefully. I'm only giving him one more chance because he is young and this is his first public practice. Also otherwise I like him.
My heart goes to you. Time goes on and on and on, and we're thankful and live and do the best we can. Some comforting scriptures to you, I hope:
"Better to be in the house of mourning than the house of mirth"
"Blessed are they that mourn , for they will be comforted."
This is by no means an eternal condition, so I hope you can focus on that and feel lighter...
Mark 16:16 Acts 2:38
For me, nothing remains as before. It is necessary for me to believe that completely down in my core. For it is when I attempt to reconnect in the same way with ANYone familiar, that I get totally blind-sided.
People are hazardous.
I didn't completely realize how much of a buffer my husband was.
Maybe this only applies to me, ?but I need to let go of all my former comfortable relationships if I want to live. Not the people, just the way I fit together with them. Totally let go.
If the waters of life allow them to float together with me, so be it. If not, keep breathing.
Float elsewhere.
Now, mind you, I have made no accomplishments in this journey. It is just deep inside somewhere, I recognize some signs of me.
I am not at ease with my post here today. Words fall short.
This week I encountered an IED. I was left reeling in dreams and upon waking.
But I am hanging on to my new differences. Oddly enough, it is memories of my husbands' urgings that are helping. He knew me better than I knew myself. I am hanging on with no more apologies.
Life is fragile because we are.
A day will come that you feel a tiny glimmer of light., unexpected.
I honestly don't think we can plan our way.
I am still free-falling.
Love you,
Barb.
Each individual's journey thru the grief process happens in their own unique way & time.
For me @ 4 years, it comes & goes. His death is never gone but each day brings with it unlimited possibilities.
Our life has changed, a step forward, sometimes 2 steps backwards.
Challenges beset us, we figure out ways to survive.
Such a blessing to have a close family. Accentuate the positive.
Give yourself the time you need
jdp