they choose to leave ther partner we have no choice hugs dave

I don't think they have anything at all in common.

If I were divorced from Charlie I would still have a chance to win him back.

If I were divorced from Charlie I could still call him in the middle of the night.

If I were divorced from Charlie I might want to find love again.

Since I am a widow instead of a divorcee none of these things is possible.

I'm 66. Women in my family live into their nineties. I can't bear to think of spending 20 or 30 years alone. I have not known a happy day since March 13 (the day before Charlie's accident. I don't expect to know one anytime soon.

Julie

Julie, you said it all. If I were divorsed from Don I would be scheming to win him back, but he he isn't here so I can't get him back. It's so final.

My sister has been comparing her divorce to my loss of Wayne. It has only been 38 days since he died suddenly.

I let it slide awhile with her comaprisions, but last night I put my foot down.

I told her this is forever. I don't think she liked that, but I am tired of people who have no idea how devistated I am. I have no idea on how I am going to do this.

The day has no meaning or purpose. I know everyday is a gift, and that life can change on a dime. But I have no life now, just a lot of time, a broken heart, and no clue what I am doing.

Peace to you
Dually

I have thought about this in the early stages and I can understand in some situations how it can be similar.
No, its not the same...... but it can be almost as bad.

Lets say you are a over 60's lady, and your husband left you after 40+ years of marriage for a much younger women, or maybe even another man. Now....we can not compete with these other types that he has found to be his new fascination. Oh, he may come to his senses one day but right now he's gone. You may have to see or talk to him but cannot have him.
This would tear you apart, knowing you can never have him and he's still there to look at. Now here you are all alone, maybe with no $$ and he won't help. This could be almost worse then a death................. What do you think?
JMO Its bad either way.

Divorce----new beginning for the one who leaves ~ devastation to the one left behind

I have been through divorce(s) and now the death of my spouse. In my opinion, there is nothing, nothing, NOTHING similar in the two. In fact, I can remember WISHING that my exes would die (of course, that came from anger at the time - I'm over that now). How ironic, huh?

Although both can be devastating re loss and change, with divorce, you do tend to spend less time grieving and look forward to moving on to a more fulfilling life. Also, you have a target for blame. I agree with the postings above that divorce can be a choice, and often is; death is absolutely involuntary.

Hugs,

Terry

A divorced person is done with their ex and yet they are still alive. My life has been shattered into a million pieces and I don't have my husband to help me rebuild my life. No if you ask me divorced people don't know the half of what I or anyone widowed are going through. Another thing a divorced person doesn't know what a good marriage is. I do.

I JUST had this conversation with one of my friends TODAY!!

this is right on time!

She told me that she understood ALL ABOUT widowhood since it was the same as divorce. Because she hated her husband.

I told her there is the difference.....I LOVED MY HUSBAND. but he is not here to love ANYMORE. Yours? is HERE TO HATE!!

HUGS all!1 diane

I have experience with both. I married, divorced, and am widowed from the same man. Yes, we married, divorced, then married again. When we divorced, I still loved him. It was a mutual decision as we just couldn't get alone. We actually remained best friends throughout.

I find the major difference between the two is that in divorce you're allowed to learn to dislike the person, to actually see your new-found freedom as a good thing. For example, I have friends who are divorced through no choice of their own. At first they were deeply depressed and appeared exactly as widows. But here's were the difference lies. In the widows eyes her husband became better. In other words, she stopped thinking about the bad times, and focused on the good. You'd hear a widow say things like I will never find a man like that. My husband becomes a better man everyday.

Not so for the divorced woman. She's allowed to hate her husband. She's allowed to think of the bad times and use it for her own healing. She can say, well, at least I won't have to argue about this or that anymore. Or, now I can finally do what I want with my life. Her friends will even say things like--you're better off without him. They'll even point out things about the ex-spouse they didn't like. Divorce often becomes a sort of celebration no matter the circumstances.

But for the widow, things are a lot sadder. She'll never get to celebrate the loss of her husband. And she dare not say anything negative about him, even if there's something to bad to say. She can't use this to heal, to move on.

I think that's the major difference in the two. Yes, the divorced and the widowed have both loved and lost, but there is a sort of permission to move on that is just not there when you're widowed. It's for that reason that I can't imagine the two groups being combined. I think jealousy would exist between the groups and neither could truly understand the loss.

Yes Truhal, you are right. Now that my husband is gone I find him to be so much better then he actually was. We had our ups and downs but right now I would do it all over in a second. I do remember the problems and faults but now I just miss him so much. If it had been a divorce I would be allowed to just hate him, Instead of treasuring what we had.

its not the same to my way of thinking... i know, i've been divorced. it just goes to show how people do not have a clue what it is to lose someone you love to death...

You are so right. People mean well when they try to relate what they went through in their divorce with the death of my husband, but it's NOT the same. I even had someone who tried to relate the loss of my husband to a breakup with a boyfriend! I couldn't believe it. We really didn't have the choice or the control in all of this.

My husband's dream was to be a grandpa someday ....and he would have been a great one.....it can not happen now.

That's the difference.

I think it's true that there is a lot of common ground, but it depends on the circumstances. There is a lot of grieving that goes on after a divorce, too, but it is different. Apples and oranges are both fruits, but they are not the same. I wouldn't wish either divorce or widowhood or anybody - they are both awful.

I think the worst comparison I heard was somebody who said they knew what it was like to lose your husband because they'd had to put their dog down. I'm an animal lover, but, um, no.

LOve and Hugs,
Martha

I fully agree with you on this. In fact, I finally was able to date someone after 7 years of being a widow. He was divorced. I knew when I got to the point of dating again that the chances of dating a divorced person would be high. I don't want to feel like I am a high and mighty person just because my marriage worked for 10 years before he passed away. I didn't want to feel like someone I date failed in their relationship(s) and hold it against them. Our dating relationship just ended a short time ago and the demise was over the fact we were in different stages in our lives. I still have a child under the age of 18, and his were grown. He claimed he was selfish and could not deal with someone else's child taking his freedom to do what he wanted and when he wanted without consulting my son's school schedule. Because I am a widow, I don't have the ability to have my son's father take my son when I need/want to do something. I guess what I'm saying is it does make a difference, more than we think it does.