Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Widowhood vs Divorce

Truhal
Truhal
I'm sure many of us have heard people say that divorce and widowhood is the same. It's a stupid remark, but it's there. The other day I saw a news report about the new phenomena of divorcing over the age of 50. Women are the ones who usually initiate it. The report went on to say that most women feel that they have years ahead of them and they want to live life on their terms.

It made me think about the church who decided to start a Divorce and Widow/widower support group. They imagined that the two groups have so much in common that they could be combined. But IMHO, they're missing out on one big difference: The divorced see their lives as starting. They imagine the years of happiness just waiting for them. They imagine the relationships just waiting to be found. It's a new beginning for them.

Now for the widowed: I'm 55, so I'm part of that 50-something group that's getting divorced. I can tell you, when I lost my husband, I felt like my life was over. That I was at the end of my time here on earth. I didn't think of the wonderful years I had ahead of me. I thought of the years I had to live without my husband. As for relationships--my husband grows more perfect with the years he's been gone. Who can compete with that?

So, divorce--a new beginning.
Widowhood--an end of a perfect love. An end to happiness as we know it.

How can the two groups ever have something in common?

Thoughts on this?
deleted_user
deleted_user
I believe that there are a few similarities between divorce and being widowed as they are both a loss but there is still a BIG DIFFERENCE.
There are the differences mentioned in the earlier posts but also I have grieved FOR my husband in the things that he will never get to do or continue to do the things that he loved. If you are divorced HE CAN STILL DO THOSE THINGS.....MY husband CAN NOT..........
deleted_user
deleted_user
divorce is totally different I'm seeing a man that has been divorced, and he says its the same thing. that we both lost our spouses, and I say , he's wrong. your x is still alive and mine is not.... it is definetly different....................
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree, widowhood is a forced new beginning, divorce is a choice.
wing2003
wing2003
No comparison in my mind.

Moonflyer comments are exactly how I feel about it!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have been through both and I wholeheartedly agree with you. Under both circumstances, a marriage ends. The similarities end there. -Jeff
deleted_user
deleted_user
Around Memorial Day a friend of mine called me to tell me her husband just walked out on her. It was completely out of nowhere! She is 65+, married for 20 years, 3rd husband, and yes they had been having small arguments, but nothing earth shattering. My friend and her husband had always had a spiritual connection, very much unlike the previous demanding, chauvanistc (sp) husbands prior to him. He doted on her and she did the same return. Believe me when I say she was in shock when he decided he "just didn't want to be with her anymore."

She started clinging to me for support. Which is fine with me, I kinda like the company and I have someone to blow and go with. I set the ground rules with her from the very beginning:
....Yes, I understand you are grieving the loss of your spouse, the loss of your future, the loss of the way things were supposed to be. I can understand that she is heart broken.
... Yes, she has some of the same reaction/symptoms---inability to eat, sleep, think, cries all the time. Take care of yourself.
...We ARE different. I will never understand how your heart feels (as I have never been divorced), and likewise you will never understand how my heart feels, please don't try. She has 15 years on me, I do know what it feels like to start over at 48, now 51 (it sucks), but I can't imagine how hard it must be to start over at 65. Another difference, she can still talk to him and maybe someday it can all be explained. For me there will never be any talking or an explanation.

Once we established the ground rules, I am GLAD that I can be there to support her during her time of sorrow.

A new beginning for her ??? She thought she had the perfect love. I guess I have finally reached a point where I can step back and look at both sides, and maybe there are some commonalities.
Just my thoughts.
Community Leaderacuriousfish
acuriousfish
hi, I can understand the thinking - although it is possibly more because two groups wouldn't be viable.

Having met some women who perhaps in their 50s or 60s have been basically "dumped" and fel they have lost everything I can imagine how their initial reaction of shock and loss might be in some way similar to widowhood. They don't see divorce as a new begining - but their thoughts and experiences soon diverge from widow(ers).

But definately when women (or men) decide to leave their partners themselves their basic attitudes will be very different and I can imagine that could be intensely painful for the widow'd
BillNSal
BillNSal
I have to admit, this always upsets me because my kids - 16 and 9 - don't get to see their father on the weekends or holidays. The last time they saw their father was when the casket lid was closed. It is so traumatic, and I still have a difficult time after five years. Where is the responsibility and accountability for marriage anymore? I don't believe in blame, but I do believe in responsibility for the decision to say "I do". Marriage is never easy, and people can't be responsible for others, but at what point does someone take responsibility for their part in choosing someone who is possibly unhealthy mentally and emotionally? I loved my husband, and I worked so hard to support him in a high level career and raise two children - no time for drama, constructive vs. destructive. I continue on with that idea in raising the kids, but I believe widows deserve the respect we're entitled to have as stated in the Bible. Divorce is sad, but its within the control of people - death is not.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My wife died just over 2 years ago - my world collapsed! Last year a co-worker filed for divorce from her husband and said that "it was just as bad as if he'd died." I said there was no way you could compare the two and death is FAR worse. She proceeded to argue with me. I finally had to walk away and say that there is no way she would EVEr convince me they were the same.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My wife died just over 2 years ago - my world collapsed! Last year a co-worker filed for divorce from her husband and said that "it was just as bad as if he'd died." I said there was no way you could compare the two and death is FAR worse. She proceeded to argue with me. I finally had to walk away and say that there is no way she would EVEr convince me they were the same.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My wife died just over 2 years ago - my world collapsed! Last year a co-worker filed for divorce from her husband and said that "it was just as bad as if he'd died." I said there was no way you could compare the two and death is FAR worse. She proceeded to argue with me. I finally had to walk away and say that there is no way she would EVER convince me they were the same. I'd do anything to have my world set right again.... its not possible - she's gone.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My wife died just over 2 years ago - my world collapsed! Last year a co-worker filed for divorce from her husband and said that "it was just as bad as if he'd died." I said there was no way you could compare the two and death is FAR worse. She proceeded to argue with me. I finally had to walk away and say that there is no way she would EVER convince me they were the same. I'd do anything to have my world set right again.... its not possible - she's gone.
Maritele10
Maritele10
I have had that said to me. That divorce and being a widow are the same. I didn't say anything at the time. But they are so different, your ex is still walking around sucking air. My husband is gone forever and he won't be able to do all the things he dreamed of doing. And I miss him so much and I can't talk to him and share with him. There will never be a chance that we can get back together again. That is until we meet again in heaven. Marilyn
inmemoryofhattie
inmemoryofhattie
What causes me to question and react is this: WHY are people comparing loss????

This also happens with the loss of children being 'compared' to losing a spouse.

My MIL, who I tried to respond to with compassion when she called me a few days after Ron's death in a state of great upset and tearfulness(not her usual )...said ...'I have lost a husband and I've lost a child(my husband Ron) and I can tell you losing a child is much worse'...

Maybe it is. I have lost a child in pregnancy and mourned and grieved this loss...still do...but I have not lost a child I spent years and years raising and knowing. BUT WHY-- except for all bad reasons-- would she say this to me two days after I lost my husband???? Did she somehow gain something in 'losing more than I lost'? If so , what???

IS there a point to making this comparison? What is the person making the comparison wanting or looking for??
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