I offer my sympathy to you in your feeling forgotten now. Most of us have experienced that, too. The truth is, probably they don't know what to say, so they say nothing. Maybe they think mentioning your husband will start you crying. Little do they know that we LOVE to hear about our husbands and how much they were loved and respected. It seems that will never change. All the 2 years my husband suffered and struggled against stage 4 cancer, and following his death, my next door neighbors on one side never called or brought food, or offered help. After his death, they sent a card. Nothing else. It makes you wonder, "What the H***?" But the answer is that they are ignorant, even though they have degrees and make plenty of money!

Thank you. You are right. I am just disappointed and venting. I just think my husband deserved more. thank for listening. I thank the lord for his patience in me and other people. Edie

Edie, you are right. Your husband DID deserve more, and so do you. But this world is tough and we get beat up. What happened to you is one of my strongest reasons for learning to be content by myself, not having to go out, or call relatives or whatever. I make lots of calls, however, but receive very few, and the ones I get are from the same people over and over. You find out who really loves you.....

Edie...no one will love him like you did. Thats what I keep in mind. No one feels the pain like us...until they have been through it. We think of them all day, everyday...others may think of him..but dont say anything because they think it will make us sadder. Ive told people I love to talk about my husband. I think sometimes our anger is because they still have their lives going on and they are oblivious to the deep loss we feel. I have friends that tell me to call if I need anything...sadly I wont unless I absolutely have too. I dont want to bother anyone.. so sorry your feeling so alone...I think we all feel that ...even if there is a house full of family and friends...because the person we are missing the most isnt here with us anymore.... hugs to you...Debbie :)

ain't it the truth...I would dearly love to talk to someone about my husband, but I truly think that all the family and friends avoid doing it because they not only think it will make me sad; it makes them sad. I forgive them because I don't want to be sad either, but that seems to be my fate for now. It has only been a little over three months, but it sometimes feels like yesterday. I am trying to take it one day at a time and do a little to move forward as I am certain he would want me to do. Bless you all for being here for me and each other.

After my husband died, and after the funeral -- every last "friend" of ours disappeared. Not ONE of them ever contacted me again. I tried calling them, thinking maybe they felt uncomfortable -- all I got was answering machines -- so I left messages. No one called me back. That was over 10 years ago, and I haven't heard from ONE of them yet.

I sure hope nothing like this happens to any of them cause I won't be there for them.

We have all become outcasts. No one wants to listen to us talk of our loss. They avoid us like the plague. When Mike died a few months ago, not one neighbor came by the house, brought food, offered to help with the kids...no one. At the visitation I was bombarded with the "call me if you need anything" line. In reality that means that whatever yao do, do NOT call. This hit really hard when I was put on bed rest following the funeral to avoid premature delivery of the baby. The in-laws are no better. They never communicate with me unless they want something like having me do their taxes. Friends+Family=Worthless.

Maggie

Most of my friends still work, and when I retired I felt cut off , but emailed them at work all the time. Many friends in NJ only call on the weekends. We have to remember that people have very busy lives and that they (thankfully) are not focused on the same things we are. Often, when you think that they are forgetting about you - they are dashing off to get things done - mundane things - I remember the days of busy schedules, and throwing stuff in the laundry while dusting, etc. on Fri. nights. Don't be bitter - reach out to them by email - send them a little card - they can read it when they want. Ask if you can have a ''date'' with them to just hang - talk - have a drink - schedule the time if they can - even make a phone ''date''. Don't give up on it, and don't get insulted. Some of it is that they don't know what to say, but friends are precious and even if the dimensions change, you have walked many miles with them in good and in bad - that's what it's all about. If you let it go too long it will be twice as hard to keep that connection. Only my opinion. Vicki

One of the truest most insightful thing regarding widowhood that I've ever read is that, "it nourishes our soul when friends/family speak the name of our lost spouse in fond memory". This is so true that it hurts so much when all they do is the opposite, avoiding speaking their name in that everyone will become sad - God forbid! We wouldn't want that (sarcasm!) It's so sad and dissappointing that they would rather choose to put them away in a closet, as if our spouse had joined a "witness protection program" or something... All I know is that if anyone close to me lost their spouse, especially at a fairly young age, I would do research to find ways to help them - I would pick up a book or something in order to learn how I could help. How hard is it for our closest family/friends to stop in a Hallmark store and pick up a little book on how to help the grieving widow(er)???!!!!!???? Is that too much to ask for??? I know that I will not become that person and I will do what I can to help, and not say "call me if you need anything..." I am sure that the Lord also finds our socity's behavior very sad & dissapointing as well. We try to convey how hard it is to barely hang on and this is how they treat us... You are perfectly normal and just in your feelings about this "travesty". many blessings to you -Sam

I read the replies to the email you wrote some are sad Yes people do say call if you need any thig ddo we call no I didnot i just stayed slient and wondered like you why no one cared. I think that they donot know what to say so they say nothing they donot want to make us cry or get sad so nothing they donot know we need them . I creamted my husband his wishes not many people came some faimly and my best friend she was there for me she helped me the best she could I love her always for that. His cousins came all but a few and his one sister then no one called alall . My faimly was there for mme all the time and still are. I sorry for your loss and for your sadness and angry maybe someone should write a book on what to say after a loss and how tohelp some one your righ tther huggkathyjo

I heard from my husband's siblings and children until they got what they wanted from me or found out they would not get something, that I was keeping it. Since then, two weeks after he died, not one word. But my focus is on neighbors and friends who call often, come over and help me without being asked, and just give a hug. I no longer feel like a member of his family and that is very sad. When their mother was ill, I went over to her house and cleaned, shopped & visited many times a week because none of her kids would but they sure showed up to take her things after she died. Not a one ever said thanks to me, so I really knew what was in store for me. It is sad when people put things ahead of human beings, but they do.

I think the loss of friends and being forgotten in our loss happens to many of us. In the beginning I thought our friends would stand by me. What I found out is most of them are mortified by death and the loss of a friend hits too close to home. I had one friend stand by me and listen to my pain, regrets and great sadness. I think she is one of the bravest people I know, because some of our conversations in the early months of my loss were me wanting to die.
We really learn the true depth of friends during this kind of loss. Unfortunately for many of us our friends turn out to be shallow, unfeeling or fearful people. At least we now know their true character.

I wrote once I never knew what a widow truly felt. So I do chock up some of what you have all said here to that.
When so many said "call if you need anything" or they made promises to come & help & still not there well it hurts.
My family & friends do not want to really hear what I have to say on how I am feeling unless its postive anymore, its been 8 months so I feel they feel its time to go on. AND its a bummer when physically you can not do some things. I do get a few friends help so I thank God for that. I just wish those I thought would - would actual call & say heah we are going for a bit to eat wanna join us? Wanna go snowmobiling today w/us?

i had a post like this one a few months ago around the holidays .as time has gone by i still dont get any phone calls or anyone stopping by to see how i am doing . i do have some good friends mainly on here who have helped me .most people dont know what is going on in our lifes and /or are to afraid to ask how we are doing . its not easy but all the people on here do know how you are feeling so if you need to talk just come on here and we will listen .best wish and good luck
scott

Hi! I understand your feelings completely. Oddly enough, I lost my husband (massive heart attack) on October 25, 2010 as well. At times it seems harder now than it did when the loss was brand new. And, like you, I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't forgotten--hey we lost someone really, really special here---we're not ok yet. Maybe we can talk on here and help each other:) I'm in a Bible study with only 2 other women who are good friends and that's been a life line for me, but we only meet one day a week. Hang in there! And I will too.