I'm really sorry that you are feeling so abandoned. I have to say I like a couple of the responses here.

We are in so much pain, that it is indescribable. If not for my twins, I would not be here typing this right now. It would have been shortly after the funeral that I would have departed this earth.

Have you ever been in a position where you heard of someone killing themselves and wondered "Why in the world would they do something like that? There's nothing that bad that could make me want to do that." It's obvious they were feeling some pain that they could not handle anymore and felt no other way out. But unless you were in the same position as they were, they could not sufficiently describe to you the utterly black, gut wrenching, soul tearing, internal pain that they (and we all) feel. Without that understanding, it's hard to empathize. Car broke down, I can empathize. Need a new roof, I can empathize. Got laid off? I can empathize. Lost your loved one of X number of years? I can only imagine the pain, and I don't really want to.

There are plenty of lousy people out there, like the in laws that drop you like a hot potato (but then, you're better off anyway). The problem is lack of empathy, knowing what we are going through, and knowing what would help at the time. It's a difficult position for someone. Yes, they have their busy lives. No, we no longer fit into the pack like we did. Yes, they would like to help. No, they don't want to get too close to the pain, and who would want to?

I had people in work ask me all the time, what can I do what can I do? Frankly, I couldn't think of anything! It was all about me, my wife, the support group, and EVERYTHING ELSE was SECONDARY. There were no other important things. The best ting I ever did, and the thing I continue to do is to think of simple tasks that people can do to help me. Put it in terms they understand. They WILL NEVER understand you, me or any of us because they can't, and because they don't really want to (and I don't blame them one bit!). Identify some simple chores. I can call on people to go shopping for me. I have someone coming over to watch the kids so I can go to therapy. I am lucky in that I have become friends with my wife's best friend (we've always been friends, but not too close.) But we have become much closer because she shares a pain almost as great as mine. She knew my wife for more than 25 years. I was married to my wife, well, it would be 13 years tomorrow (sigh.)

The bottom line for me is to make it as easy as possible for a person to help me. It may not help me directly, mentally, but the less I have to worry about, the more I can focus on myself, and my healing. If you really do need help, boil it down to the smallest most specific things you can. I bet if you reach out to some folks to get some groceries for you, or watch the kids an hour a week, or pick up your dry cleaning, or cook a meal one night a week, you'll find takers. Most people WANT to be helpful. But if I myself don't know exactly what I need, I can't expect someone else to. Especially when they cannot even fathom the torturous pit of hell we are all wallowing in.

It's very tempting to just say that people in general are just shallow and self minded. While that may be true in some cases, modern society has breed recent generations to be short minded when it comes to anything painful. Believing, that if we fail to acknowledge it, the pain magically dissapears. Un-necessary burdens. In truth, it has worked to the opposite, leaving each of us to deal with our pain alone and with all it's intensity and without interruptions which was the design reason for friends and family. So sorry you have come to be a DS member for such a somber reason. May God ease your pain and lonliness. Hugggggggs, Molly

Have found out it just doesn't work the way I thought it should.............and then I remember that I was not understanding of the dreadful loss either.............when my whole life was wrapped up in us as a couple, and doing most things together, I didn't spend a lot of time with women friends....but some time.............now, not fitting in with married folks leaves such a void........even though they are understanding.........they do not really get the void..........so I know what you mean.........some days I can reach out, and other days, I just don't have the inclination. Has been a bit over a year and while thingns are a bit better...........they will never be the same...........which is what I really crave...............
Lori

I couldn't agree more. It was VERY upsetting at first - but now I'm at a point where I would rather be with new freinds anyway. One old friend I've known for 22 years now seems to want a relationship back - after never wanting to see me before. Don't know what I'll do - but I certainly won't be calling her. Seek out new friends.

Thank you all so very much. I guess the only one I can really count on is my God, Lord and savior. He is the only one who truly knows me and knows exactly who and what I need. I know he puts me through all of my hardship and trials only to know my faith is still with him and I rely on him more. I pray for all of us who are here on DS. Edie

You said it all. It seems when you mention loneliness or anything similar to that, you don't here a peep from anyone. Most people don't know how to deal with death.