Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Why don't they ask how your doing?

russ1153
russ1153
Last week I went to a tailgate with my family and my sister-in-laws family, and this weekend I went to a party hosted by a retired co-worker. At neither event did even one person ask how I'm doing. I'm really struggling again and I would love a chance to talk to someone about it, but no one asks. While I was OK while at the event I cried all the way home from both of them as that is when it all hit me again. I know they care so they might not want to bring it up because it's painful, or they don't want to re-visit it or whatever. I know I always feel better after talking but I'm reluctant to force myself on anyone to gain an outlet. This goes back to a recent thread about people saying how good you look, while your dieing on the inside. I want them to know I'm not doing well and I still miss my wife so very much.

Thanks for letting me vent, as this is one of the only places where they understand.

Russ
Truhal
Truhal
People don't want to hear the answer. They feel inadequate in dealing with our problem. They don't want to talk about it or see us cry. It's human nature. Doesn't mean they don't love you.

Is there a physical group you can join?
Shinsma
Shinsma
Oh Russ, I am so sorry. That has also been one of the hardest things for me also. Everyone, either talks around you or ignores you--family don't want to upset you I'm thinking.. I have friends that totally have dropped off the radar after the funeral home visit. I'm agreeing with some of the others in you need to get an anxiety reliever..talk it out with friends--am hoping you that you do have someone who you can call. Of course, you have us and we are right with you and on the same page/verse/chapter. Hugs and all the best.. MaryAnn
Nicker07
Nicker07
To add to what all that is being said....I do believe mostly people do not know what to truly say; and afraid if what they say opens tears they can not handle; they do not want to face this could be them or their loved ones and largely they want to be happy NOW as their pain is not one of our type sorrow.

People once the first grief is spent several just do not want to be bothered.

SO its nothing truly againist just you its we are not taught to show how to show compassion for death. It should be part of our educationaly system MY opinion

Hugs
deleted_user
deleted_user
I don't know if it is allowed to post this here but there is an article in The Huffington Post called Grief Intelligence: A Primer, I have posted the in other groups and it is a great blog by a licensed clinical social worker. It is spot on re: what grief is and isn't.
marie444
marie444
I feel very fortunate that a few co-workers, all single women about my age, one widowed, are there for me. They don't ask how I am doing anymore which is good because what can I really say? - but a look, a light touch is what we seem to share.
mylv
mylv
I won't give you a story about this happened to me or that happened to me, but I will say they just don't understand because it hasn't happened to them. A lot of people are also wary of making you feel worse by asking the wrong question or saying the wrong thing so it appears as if they're backing away.
If you want to talk to someone then like it or not you'll have to reach out and make the first move. You have friends that will listen but you'll have to find the right person or maybe a few people.
There are grief groups in every area, where everyone is in the same boat as we are. There are people there that can understand, and usually sharing thoughts and feelings with others who have gone/are going through your pain helps. I hope you find some peace to help you along, and also hope that you find the strength to reach out.
michaelbmanning
michaelbmanning
People don't ask how we are doing for two reasons. #1: Our loss makes people uncomfortable. It is easier for people to ignore us than to face us. #2: They really don't care. We are not part of their lives. Good way to determine who true friends really are.

Maggie