First impression...fear of upsetting you. This is hard to shut off in groups once it starts. You might try a lunch or something with a good friend, one at a time. I know I say it often, but a batting cage, or if you are inclined, a bucket of golf balls at a driving range. Not too physically exhausting but a great anxiety reliever. Then of course share here. We have no fear, already cried it out and will understand. Hugs today and.... Sch-Wing!

I'm so sorry Russ, but that's what happens. They either are afraid of hurting us more or some get upset because we are upset.

I had a cousin tell my aunt she didn't want to call me an hear me cry. They just don't know how to handle it. It really stinks............. when we need someone no one is there for us to lean on.
Hugs and prayers for better days
JoAnn

Russ,
I'm sorry and I understand. That has probably been the hardest part for me. We have two children both grown and married and they never talk about their dad, it kills me it feels like he never existed. Yet I know they hurt and miss him too, they were both very close to him but when I bring him up or mention his name it's like the white elephant in the room. I don't understand it and when I have said something they both said, you can talk about dad anytime but it never happens. I just have a very difficult time with that. This morning our son completed his second triathalon and all I could think about standing there was how proud his dad would be....one step forward, two back. Talk to your friends they are more willing to listen unfortunately.

I think it is because they feel they may upset you if they asked how you are doing. This is the feeling I get around people. Some people just feel they can not say anything, maybe because they feel uncomfortable, I really am not too sure.

I understand the need to talk about how you feel. It would be nice to sit down and talk with someone that actually knows you and wants to know how you are, how you are feeling. Even sometimes the closest of family members will put up this wall when it comes to talking about the loss, the loneliness. I think these feelings that we have inside are feelings that no one will ever truly understand until they have to face it themselves.

We make people uncomfortable, they don't know what to say and they don't want to be reminded. It is sad how self centered the whole world is. I had lots of company and calls at the beginning which I wasn't ready for, now that I can handle it more, the visits and calls have diminished. There is the parting of the ways of the true friends and the others. The true friends are there.

I think it makes them feel bad, and they don't want that. You notice how they back off if you mention anything about your spouse, good or bad. Like they never existed. Its been 6 months today for me. I am reluctant to even mention it even to the kids. I get, oh yeah. I gotta go, bye. And the, its been 1/2 year, shouldn't you be over it by now? You need to ... get a job, get a life, go partying, get a friend, etc. No one asks how I am doing. But what I am doing!!!.....I ran into my husbands cousin the other day at Lowes. She said, what are you doing? I replied, trying to fix all the marks, in the walls Mike made with his chair. She said, Oh, silent for a second. Then carried on talking about washers. I got the feeling she didn't want me to bring him up.

He did exist, I WAS married to him 48 years, he WAS the father of my kids. Good or Bad, he was....

I'm so sorry you had this experience. It is a sad but true fact that people just don't know what to say or do around us. Some people are afraid to make us cry or hurt us, some people just don't know what to say and some people are just too uncomfortable with us and the whole subject of death.

Unfortunately, this is a time when we feel so lost and alone and really need people to reach out to us, talk to us and most of all, listen to us. I have told my family; and friends that it is ok to talk about my Bob...that I may cry, but it would be worse if we pretended he never existed.My sons and I include his name and memories in every conversation.

In order to get through grief, you will really have to spend a lot of time talking about your loss. My grief counselor and support group have been wonderful. And I am blessed with several great friends who just listen as I pour out my pain and sorrow. That is such a blessed gift they give me.

I hope you find that special someone who will give you the gift of being your listening friend.
Blessings,
Sharon

What I have found to be very helpful is joining a grief support group. Those are the people that you can really connect with. They understand exactly how you are feeling. I hope that you find some help and have better days ahead. Remember, we're all here for you. Hugs!

I think that people do not know how to approach us. They feel that by talking about our spouse's death, they will upset us and in turn they will not know how to cope with our reaction. They feel that to keep things unsaid is better for us.

Not the case of course, but that is the way it is. I agree with Jewel, the best way is to approach your friends, one the time, and ask them if you could talk to them about how you feel.

However, I have found now that after 6 months most of my friends are suffering from empathy fatigue. The majority feels that after 1/2 year I should start on an "all singing, all dancing" mode when, in reality, like all of you, I am on a yoyo mode - two days up, one day down.

We are here for you, Russ, and we are not suffering for empathy fatigue. We understand. Talk to us as often and as much as you feel you need.

Hugs to you. Viviane

What is happening to you, I'm sorry to say, is normal for all of us. Our (my husband & my) friends who have stayed in touch act like you witness. They never reminise with me and never have since he died. God forbid if I bring up his name, they shut up quickly and stare like a deer in the headlights.
I do believe it's a combination of what they feel will be hurtful for me to talk about and definately uncomfortable for them. Don's brother was here and just left and we were able to talk. He then stated, gee, you had a hard time after he died, didn't you?

Yea, ya' think!! His wife then explained it was like when her mom died.

Bottom line is they just can't understand no more than we did 'til it happened to us. "Forgive them, for they know not what they do"

I have had some help on my FB page.
I have mentioned it before. I made a sub page to mine, "John talk to him" It is now used primarily to share memories and cyber letters to him. Only those that were in his heart,and him in theirs were invited. But I still get messages asking how I am doing and invitations through that page. They know he is still very much in my thoughts. For me typing is much easier than speaking at most times in groups. So I can chat individually with those that post and it works both ways. John was a favorite uncle to a few. He lost three brothers before I met him, so he was surrogate to them.

I think it's just awkward for many people to talk about. For some, they can't relate as they haven't lost a partner and don't really know how to approach the subject. Or they have experienced that loss but just don't want to delve into it. Basically, they don't know what to say and they're wrapped up in their own world. Society has virtually nothing to offer us. Maybe it's just the fear some might have to even think about it. A simple "how have you been doing" would show more caring than many of them realize.

I suggest getting proactive. Contact a local church, ask about grief support. I attended a free 8 week study, now I'm attending a support group once a month. The same church offers Stephens Ministries, which is a free one on one support. A widow of 11 years meets me once a week. She will even come to my house! I prefer this to talking with someone who has never lost a spouse. Most people just don't get it. As for the kids, they probably don't want to upset you. Kids have rights and in a way, I think that's very respectful. They will talk when they are ready.
So, please, pick up the phone and ask local hospice, local churches, etc about bereavement support. Get some help.

Most of the people I have contact with are at work. There are only a few of them who talk to me about how I'm doing. The ones I work closely with don't want to talk about it.
I found a wonderful widows group thru my local hospice. My husband was never in hospice, but all the widows have lost their husbands and they have the same feelings I do. I've only been to one meeting but I'm looking forward to going to another meeting.
Nobody can understand what you are going thru unless it's happened to them.

Russ, I posted something about this a week or so ago in a comment. It took me a long while to think of the right words to say but I finally made a post on my fb. About how much people do not understand the grief that a person has about their spouse unless they have went through it. Because I never understood myself. I also stated a reminder that we as widows/widowers want to be asked how we are Doing and we want to talk about our spouse. It helps with our grief. I did get a very good response to that topic. Maybe when you are ready you can either talk, email or fb you a message to let those people out their that do not know what to say or do not know how to help how they can help. Because we have all been in that same position one time or another where we didn't know what to say or how to help. God Bless