I totally understand. I think it happens to a lot, or most, of us. I have not been supported in my grief by people I thought were "friends". However, I met 2 new friends since my husband died, and they have been the greatest support for me, and they didn't even know my husband. But they are there for me! I decided to move on, not contact those who have left me to grieve alone.

I wish I knew. I've done a lot of complaining about this very thing.
At 1st I thought people were angry with me & I racked my brains trying to figure out what terrible thing I'd done. I ended up cutting ties with a lot of people, even some family members who avoided me. I just couldn't handle all the extra hurt on top of losing my husband.
I believe that saying that when it comes to hardships "Your real friends won't mind & the ones who mind don't matter". Sorry you are going through this but know you're not alone. Some people just avoid anything unpleasant at any cost, but your right, It hurts.

It's happened to me with many friends too. I wish I could say why it happens, but it does. One friend in particyular, that I've had for over 25 years, and I thought she'd always be there, as I had for her through multiple divorce, child problems, everything. Said she'd be there for me, and I believed her. I've yet to see her. It's been 11 months. I called and left a msg., for her birthday in Oct. She did call back saying she missed me, and had a card here on the table waiting to send me, but didn't know what to write in it? said she thought it insinsitive to send and say 'thinking of you". i told her that would have been perfect. she said sh'ed call and we would get to gether the next week. I'm still waiting. And that's just one story.

People will dissapoint. But there will be people you never thought would be there, who will. Just focus on those who ARE there, and don't waste time worrying about those who aren't .

and you always have all of us here too!

HUGS and hopes that the friends you have now will fill those who don't matter.

Diane

My sister in law told me I was her worst nightmare. She hasn't called me since. I think the insecure ones are afraid to deal with the rea
Ity of what could happen.
Give them time....some will come around. They just don't get the depth of the sorrow.

I went through the same thing. When my husband was in the hospital there was all kinds of people there and people calling all the time. Now no one. Moonflyer is right people you wouldn't think would be there is there. My family don't even have time for me they don't call very much either I am the one that calls them and I have stopped they say call and just tell them if you want to talk to me call me because when I call you are to busy to talk.I guess everyone goes through this it is a shame. I feel the same way you.
hugs to you

This is the worst part of widowhood. During my darkest hours I had no friends I felt really cared. They didn't want to hear about my pain and how I was suffering. One of my friends or should I say ex friend had the nerve to yell at me because I talked so long to her on the phone at the beginning of my grief, That same friend asked me 2 years out if I was still going to grief support insinuating that I really needed it. All this from someone I was friends with for close to 30 years. Oh she was so nice at the funeral and asked me to dinner a few times but as soon as the tears threatened to fall that ended too. My neighbors turned out to be my angels and I met a widow that I have become good friends with. Thank heavens for these people in my life. It's not like I expected that's for sure.

Anyone who has not experienced loss do not understand the emotional part of life that we live. I have to say, I WAS one of them. Bruce's cousin lost his wife 16 years ago and we loved them both so much and spent time with them as a couple. We did not have contact with him as much after his wife passed. We've talked through the years and spent some time together but I felt so bad for not being there for him more NOW that I know what he went through. He was good enough to tell me it was ok and he is now there for me. We need to surround ourselves with those that are REALLY here for us and not be stressed or worried about those that are not. Its what you need now and be selfish for yourself. Eventually they get it, but only when they join our pain and lonliness for themselves.
Hugs to you, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!

Life goes on, people like us are just reminders of how crappy life can be. Thats what I think anyway. I don't expect anything from anyone, and I'm never disappointed when "friends" become strangers.

God Bless, Sal.

My husband`s family all had excuses not to come to his service! Only one showed up in the end, demanding his jewelry, and was told to leave. My relatives made a great effort, and all of them were ther, such a comfort to my boys. His family has never tried to contact me in21/2 years, they know my # and where I live. There was a lame attempt to talk to my son on facebook - no takers. G-

It seems to be a common thread with us widows/widowers. It's as if we have some sort of contagious disease.

We were moving out of the house we shared with 4 other people (We're still in school...) into our own apartment. We found out Connan was sick and not one of our roommates offered to help us move. My undergraduate research assistant, the Post -Doctorate in my lab, and a professor all helped us move from the house to our apartment. My roommates never sent me messages unless I asked if one of them wanted an update. One roommate owed me money for bills and after I asked her for it, she called me a b*tch and told me how problematic her life was compared to mine.

Luckily, I had the support of most of my school, my professors, and the research community I am involved in, not to mention both families and a third family that took us under their wings.

We are blessed with excellent friends that have stood by. The ones that did not, well...they don't exist to me anymore.

I do understand the disappointment when friends say they will be there and walk with you through the grief and then they don't or just can't handle the deeply emotional part of this new walk. I found over the last 15 months some surprising support and some surprising lack of support. I have been thankful for the ones who have been there for me. I also realized I wasn't the greatest of help to a friend of mine who would call and cry and repeat herself when her husband died 4 years ago. I cringe when I think how much she needed my support and I wasn't there. I lean on the friends that truly are emotionally available to me (and let me call and cry and repeat myself) and over time have understood those that couldn't be there, though not to say it doesn't hurt. I felt the "just wait until it happens to you" feelings, but as I progress in my walk through this hard, hard journey I know I have learned to be more kind and sensitive, and more open about how I feel in a gentle way and other times I just withdraw for a time and regroup my emotions on my own. The loss of a spouse is nothing any of us signed up for and it hurts terribly.

Yes this happens more than we would have thought and your right, it does hurt. I agree with some that mentioned we were once on that side of the fence and didn't know the depth of the loss, so may have been distant also. In the early stages I wore my heart on my sleeve and was over sensitive to these people. I have come to accept that some people just don't know what to say and think if they bring up your spouse they will be hurting you. I have told some that I like to talk about him as am thinking of him 24/7 anyway. If we tell them what we need and they still don't call, I forget them and stay close to those that are here just to listen if nothing else. You are not alone and the DS family is always here for you......hugs

My down the street neighbor used to come over and complain about her husband DAILY. We would have a refreshing beverage and talk. Then the Frank incident .....she brought me chicken and rice and never talked to me again! It's been two years! Her husband (who she might have loved but didn't like) died recently - I felt I had to go to the wake, she hugged me and sobbed "I don't know what happen between us". Who's crazy me or her? I really don't want to have anything more to do with her. She has disrespected my husband and me. But as everyone says I'm sooo angry all the time! Wonder why.

Nicola, I had such trouble reconciling why some people I considered good friends, just did not show any compassion when I needed it the most, instead they stayed away. I've come to terms with the reasons my therapist gave me;

The main reason people avoid, not just widows or widowers, but anyone dealing with loss is that we are more likely to talk about the death of our loved one and that brings the issue of their own mortality to mind. Not something people like to think about because they see and feel the intense pain you are going through and they don't want to imagine themselves in your shoes. Most people are afraid of death, their own or a loved one! I understood that.

We communicate differently when we are grieving, we are far more sensitive to anything that is said or done in our presence. When you are grieving the center of the grief is you and we expect people to revolve around us and provide support as a matter of human compassion (in our minds, this should be a natural response from everyone we know), but most people who have not been called upon by circumstances to be compassionate or have experienced the compassion of another human being during times of distress don't know how to do it.

Don't get hurt by it, it's just the way life is, everyone is an individual and we don't know why they do what they do -- sometimes, their staying away is their way of protecting you from having to rehash the painful experience of your husband's loss. Not everyone is coming from an uncaring and cold place. We know what it feels to lose our life partners and when our friends or relatives go through it we will be there to give what we did not get -- There is a purpose to everything! God Bless you! Connie