I think many of us have experienced similar changes in our relationships with our friends. Our lives stopped the moment our spouses died and their life goes back to business as ususal. Some of my friends deliberately avoid me because they don`t know what to say and I am sure I am not the same fun loving person I was so it isn`t quite as much fun being around me any more. It is hard but don`t take it personally,,,,they just don`t understand, Hugs Lu Ann

I know I have more sensitive days than others, but that's still no right not to make an effort. I know what Ric would say..... And I agree x

I have experienced that but I have also experienced unexpected kindnesses.

I don't understand it either. Seems like everyone desserts you when you need them the most. Our spouses died, we didn't.

Nicola,
i feel your same hurt. i was going to a bible study for over 3 years and when i visited after Home passed one of them said some thing so stupid and it hurt me. Only one of the ladies still keeps in touch with me. I do not go any more. I thought they would be there for me, but are not. Like you said, out of sight, out of mind. I did not even get a sympathy card from any of them. I started to go to a new church, only visited one time and already got a call from one of the women to come to the Christmas service the day before Christmas. It hurts your heart on top of your heart already being hurt when you do not hear from people you thought would stand by you.
Big Hugs to you and Big Hugs to Thom.
recentwidow

I was blessed to have a friend of my husband's come forward & help me. He was actually there for me at a time when others were running full speed the other way..

I didn't ask for his help, he just started calling to check on me.
He always let me be myself, listened, never judging, helped with practical matters, got me out of the house meeting new people (all really nice people too. He played in a couple of church bands & had a lot of wonderful friends)
Then out of the blue he committed suicide & I still can't get my head around it. All I know is I really miss him now too.

Sometimes I feel like I really AM contagious. Don't come around me or you will be next! Or this is some cruel form of punishment to teach me a lesson. Like maybe I took too much for granted for too long & this is the result..

I've prayed to God, the universe, whatever: Please explain to me why I have been given this gift, this capacity to love only to lose those I love most suddenly & inexplicably.. but there are no answers.. Still like a fool, I keep asking..

It's a tale often told here. Sad, people will show up at the funeral, but for me it's afterwards when they're needed most. I didn't really care who was at the funeral. I was numb. The pain intensified later and all the "call me if you need anything' people had gone back to their own lives. I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.

I know how you all are feeling it is funny the people you think will be there are not. I think some of the people that I thought would keep in touch were really my husbands friends.Even though I had known them for over 40 years they were his friends. It took me awhile to understand that. Also I think people just do not know how to act or what to say to us. So they choose to stop calling. If they only knew what a simple call would mean to us just to see how we are doing. I have some wonderful friends and have reconnected with a few old ones that I had not seen in years. It is like we never stop being friends. For them and the ones that still keep in touch I am gratful for. For the ones that do not live is to short and I am not going to spend my time thinking about them when they do not give me the time.

I could have written this - in fact my very first post was very similar. I have made new friends that are better than the old. After two years - right before xmas two of these friends tried to contact me - one thru email and another called my dtr's cell (don't know how he got the number) because I had recently lost my cell phone. I didn't respond to either one. I needed and wanted to hear from them 2 years ago.

I don't buy the excuses of "they don't understand". You don't have to be a rocket scientist to realize someone would appreciate support. As for feeling "uncomfortable"? Big deal - they feel uncomfortable for a few hours of their life - but look how much they can help someone else.

We're here for you - too bad we all don't live closer.

I understand all to well. It hurts worst when it's family turning their backs on you, or ignoring you because they can't stand to see you like this. Yes, it sure does piss us off. Love and hugs Donna

Their behavior is certainly hurtful, and my impulse would be to nourish my anger and wish them ill--but that would be just as immature as they are being. They are children of the Universe, too. And the thing is, their hearts are probably signaling them that they are doing you wrong, but their heads or egos or whatever are ignoring those signals. And the day they realize that, they will hang their heads in shame. So when you are ready, let your heart wish them happiness and the discovery of wisdom on their path, and let them go where they are going. Sending you thoughts of strength and peace.

Cyndi321, I'm so sorry for you, but it's not your fault, you can't control what people do or what happens to them.
When family turn their backs that's the worst; like New Years Eve for example they are having a get together, and not thought to invite me! I get to a point where I just think forget them all, but it's hard when my soulmate isn't here, as he would make me feel better, but then coming on here gives me the strength and support to go on. Thank you all xx

And I thought is was me. I thought I had a contagious disease. When Joanne was getting treatment and then in hospice, people were calling all the time. They were dropping things off at the house and sending cards. At her funeral there were close to 400 people there. The next day, everything seemed to stop. No calls from all the concerned people. My wife's family seems to have disowned me. My friends have little contact with me as they don't know what to say. Where are all these people now?
I am one to get things done by myself, but this thing I know I can't do alone. My family contacts me which is good, but you know they really don't understand this kind of loss. Sorry to rant. Nicola, I hope you can get passed this and be able to move one to more positive things.

UNFORTUNATELY PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT TRULY EXPERIENCED THE LOSS OF A SIGNIFICANT PERSON IN THEIR LIFE JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND MORE SUPPORT AND UNDERSTANDING FROM THIS WIDOW/WIDOWERS GROUP THAN OF ANY "FRIENDS". THIS GRIEF JOURNEY IS HARD ON ANY GIVEN DAY. DON'T LET THE LACK OF ACTIONS FROM YOUR "FRIENDS' ADD TO LOSS.

This type of post has been going around since I first became a member

1) Most face their own mortality or one of their loved ones when facing you and they can not deal with it because they can not understand
2) Most do not know what to say so are in fear of saying wrong thing
3) Many do not want to deal with your loss or your sorrow
4) Several cared for him but not especially close to you
5) Several do not care for any thing but themselves and their problems
6) Several are just plain well can't write it would not be nice what I really want to say...

SO when those you least expected come forward more, embrace them and move on as sad as it may be....
We are here and I do not think I truly understand all of it myself...