You made perfect sense...you have just had half if yourself amputated, how the hell can anybody expect you to play suzy-sunshine? Nobody's paying you to be a social worker to the rest of the world, and comfort THEM in YOUR grief...the things you feel are perfectly natural...this would probably fall under "Grief rewrites your address book."

I hear you, love, and it makes perfect sense. I've come to understand that grief isn't negative. It's emotional, painful, devastating - and complex. And the connotation that we in the Western world give it, is that it's acceptable for like, a few weeks, then all bets are off.

After a brief time of saying, "oh, I'm fine" when asked how I was, I started answering "I'm hanging in there (barely)", while holding both hands up, fingers curled, like picture me hanging off a cliff by my fingertips. Maybe that got the point across a little more accurately to the clueless.

Of course you want to cry. Grieving alone is stress times ten, and adding moving into the mix? Next time someone asks you, maybe answer with something neutral like "working on it", probably a lot nicer than "please get the eff out of my face", lol. Hang in there, Fuchsiasky (and vent every day here if needed). Hugs, Marsha

Its fine that's why we are here..Ive been screaming mad...Had a 3 day dunk experience I don't remember except waking up in a psychiatric ward 3 times since my husband passed away in March 3 2016...my kids don't understand my grief and think i should already be better...aren't i used to it yet? I am they say..get busier with work..and now because I won't call them up and say Hi Dear should i make you some cupcakes today or can I do anything to help you they choose not to talk with me and all unforgiving so yes we aren't ourselves yet i lost half of myself when he died...

Like most I didn't know, what this kind of loss was like before it happened to me. That being said what I've become a two year old. When I hear you need to smile I say "make me". When I hear I should move on I say "why" and keep saying it to all their reasons. Hospice stressed self care. My self care is saying what I think now. The tone changes depending on the person. I was raised to be "nice" . I went to catholic schools etc. but honesty feels soo good.

Yes and in a couple years most people think you should be okay. But after marriage of 28 years, how in the world do I get over that in a couple years?? People don't think of that, do they? No, they just don't want to hear it AGAIN. You speak of having a bad day because I am missing my husband, and now there is just quiet on the other side. Used to be more talkative weren't they and now it's the opposite. I have begun to tell people that only God and my spouse are the ones who truly know how I feel. But I don't get it that even family never asks, how are you doing now regarding the loss of Don (my spouse)...how are you handling things? Are you feeling a bit better?
So with most folks I just act like everything is "okay", not great, but okay and just don't bring up too much anymore. It's sad. These are the people you thought you could talk to the most of everyone.
But I found it's really here, where people have been, are where you are and do understand.
And "moving on". Just what does that mean anyway? We are moving on, just getting up the next day.
I will have another memorial for my husband when it hits 2 years he's been gone. And I am going to ask everyone to say something about my husband , each one out loud.
I will have food etc., and this isn't a party. It's a remembrance.
So now they will have to say something. Whoever doesn't, will be off my list.

This is why I don't bother much with people. I keep to myself, but it doesn't keep others from thinking I need company. Most of what they suggest is unrealistic for me. At this time at least.

I have a neighbor stops by and thinks I must be bored, being alone like I am. "Come with us to water aerobics." Ya, that's what I need, to wear myself out with water aerobics when I can barely drag myself to take care of stuff around the house. She's a widow too, been one for almost two decades. Guess she forgot what it was like during the early years of widowhood.

Another wants to go everywhere, movies, shopping, lunch ...blah, blah, blah. I don't have money to do that. She still has a husband and two incomes. I have to be very careful or I am broke before the month is out.

There's more to this than not being negative, there are real life problems, like you finding a home for you and your daughter. You do what you need to do to survive, if it means moving in with Mom, that's what you do. Let the rest believe in their dumb fairy tale, because that's what it is.

Everything you said made perfect sense to me. Why can't you feel sad if you want to? And why cant's you cry when you want to? Just let someone tell me I can't. I may explode on them. No one can tell anyone else how to hurt or heal. And anyone who tries is a fool.
What it is, they are caring more about their own level of comfort than yours. So don't sweat it. Do what have to do for you and your daughter. No one else matters at this point.

Take of yourself.
Peace, Tim

Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve. I told everyone around me and it hardly any,they all haven gotton back to life and think I should be ok now( it's only been 4 months)
But I know if I don't deal with this , my way(which I really don't know what that is except one day at a time) I will not make it
A lot of good people here and a lot of good advice given
Patricia
xxxxx

Everyone grieves different... Not wrong, just different

It doesn't fit the "brave widow" narrative, that's why. We all want a good bedtime story, that everything will be all right. No one wants to hear that life is chaotic, painful, messy and overwhelming. We are living proof that it is. So they try to fit us into nice little boxes with labels and we just won't fit. Please just try to ignore it, they do not understand.

Here is the sticker, you will find the new happy, but it doesn't go on societies timeline. It is your timeline, it is your journey. Meanwhile, tears aren't negative, they are an expression of emotion. You need to release that emotion. Let it out, be yourself and do what you need to do to grieve.

Hugs,
Val

So sorry that you are going through this! I can't imagine anyone telling me I needed to move on. I'd tell them to get lost.

The thing I have to keep telling myself - and it is hard to remember- is that most folks are well intentioned. That doesn't mean that what they say and do isn't ignorant- but I try to remember the intention before I get all worked up and let them have a piece of my mind.

I am all for being blunt with folks. If someone said I was being too negative- I might tell them to come back and talk to me when their world has been turned upside down, they have lost their best friend, their home, their child's other parent, their safety net, their dreams for the future, etc... Yeah, come back and talk to me about being positive when you have some inkling of what I have been through.

I don't talk to other people about my anxieties and fears much. But I think that having those anxieties is a natural part of losing someone so close to us. I think to myself a lot, "I can't do this without him." However, I have been doing it without him for nearly six months...which is six months longer than I thought I would be able to six months ago. The longer I am forced to survive without him, the easier it is for me to let go of some of the anxiety. It is as if he is whispering in my ear, "See, I knew you could do it. You are strong enough, brave enough, clever enough.., you got this baby cakes." And the more I hear those whispers- the more confident I become and the easier it is to let go of the anxiety that creates the negative self talk.

I am a far cry from being really deep down "okay" yet. However, I can see the strides I've made. You'll get there too. Be patient with yourself and try to be patient with ignorant folks that have no idea what you are going through.

May your day be filled with Love and Peace!

Robyne

HEY, WIDOWS: YOU CANT DO EVERYTHING AND DO EVERYTHING WELL
Written by Catherine Tidd on Monday, September 10, 2012

You cant do everything and do everything well.

I was sitting at a piano, confiding in my piano teacher as I often did, when she doled out this piece of advice that has stuck with me ever since. At 16-years-old, I didnt yet have a clue what she was talking about she was probably making me feel better for mediocre grades on my finals or a lost audition but those words of wisdom have been with me for years.

They were with me when I got married, when I worked and took 21 credit hours my last semester of college, and especially when I had my children and couldnt decide whether or not I wanted to have a career or stay home with them.

You cant do everything and do everything well.

The difference between now and then was that I had a choice. Fortunate that my husband had a good job and could support us, I made the decision to stay home and focus on my kids. I knew that I was lucky, that there were many women out there who didnt have that choice. Id seen them at the grocery store on Sunday, madly trying to get the shopping done for the week or showing up to a Gymboree class still in their clothes from work.

Some of my friends did have a choice and chose to stay at work. Many of them couldnt understand how I could put in long days with a newborn while they went into an office and had actual adult conversation.

But knowing that I couldnt do everything and do it well, not having a career was the sacrifice I was willing to make.

Ironically enough, what many of my friends asked me all those years ago was this: Arent you worried that something might happen to your husband? And thinking that the worst thing that could possibly happen was that he might get laid off, but knowing that we had back-up funds, I was able to say, What could possibly happen that were not prepared for?

And then I found out.

As a widow, my piano teachers advice, although helpful years ago, repeated itself over and over in my mind and began to haunt me. Because for the first time I was forced to do everything and I feared that I wouldnt do any of it well. Being spread so thin raising kids, keeping up the house, and worrying about the future I thought that we were all on a path to destruction.

Guilt became my constant companion because I always felt like I was failing somewhere. If I worked too much, I was neglecting my kids and if I spent quality time with them, I was failing in other areas. If I bought fast-food because I didnt have time to cook a well-rounded meal, I felt terrible. When I tried to hold onto the meager social life that remained, I felt like the worst mom for hiring a babysitter. And then, on the rare occasion I would go out with friends, I felt awful because I hadnt kept up with what was going on with everyone else.

I just couldnt win.

As we all learn sooner or later (widowed or not), not one person on the planet is harder on us than we are on ourselves. Its taken me 5 years to figure out that I actually can do things well just not perfect. Its not worth running myself into the ground, chasing the impossible notion that I can have the perfectly manicured lawn, a billion dollar business, and get all of my kids into Harvard by the time they each turn 13. As I type this, my grass is long, I have paperwork I need to do, my kids are inside playing a video game on a beautiful summer day, and I think I forgot to pay my water bill.

Im not perfect. And I cant do everything.

I think that that advice needs to be amended a little. Maybe something along the lines of, You cant do everything and do everything well, but life is too short to beat yourself up about it. So just do what you can, hope for the best, and remember that life, with all its imperfections, is meant to be lived and not wasted worrying about the things we cant control.

I know the shorter version would fit better on a bumper sticker. But I like mine better.

Catherine Tidd 2012

Hi,
You don't have to be anything or anyway that you don't feel. I lost my wife, my best friend, the love of my life, six months ago and I still cry almost every morning when I wake up and the reality hits me again. I isolate and don't want to go anywhere, even the grocery store or pharmacy. So, if you feel angry be angry. If you feel sad, be sad. I don't know how long this lasts; I'm told it varies from person to person, but I'm miserable without my Sweeetie, and I don't think I'll ever be anything other than that. Hopefully, I will learn to live with it.

Try writing. I'm writing a Biography of my wife's life. I think her story is inspiring. It does help for a short while, although some of the memories make me stop because of sadness. Prayers to you.

I'm the boss of me now. So I don't really spend a lot of time worrying (actually none) about what other peoples thoughts are of me. I've always been an independent woman as are my daughters, Dennis always supported us in any thing we did. I had a good job and worked with him to create a good life. You owe no one an explanation as to how you choose to grieve and you don't need to be strong for anyone but yourself and your daughter right now. It's ok to be sad and angry. At one year in I have more Sad days than anything. That's ok. I just go with it. It just comes in waves out the blue sometimes. You made perfect sense.

Take care..........Gail

Thank you all. Its been a really rough few days. I am still waiting to hear about my lovely house. I really hope it is mine.

In the meantime I have decided to move home with my mom for a month. That way I can have some help with my daughter and get some rest. I think this might be the best plan.

It takes time to go through the process of grieving , You do not need to perform for anyone or show strength that you are not feeling. I felt so good to be told by my Priest/therapist "what you are feeling is perfectly normal, you are not going crazy, your heart is broken". It has been
10 mths for me and my life is changing for the better in that I cope better with being on my own , the process is slow take it easy on yourself and be yourself