I'm so sorry...

I am at 8 months also. I have "ok" days. I find reasons to SMILE. But my life will never be the same. I miss my husband. I miss our life.

I guess I'm lucky that I go to work 5 days a week. Although that environment has been a source of great pain for me rather than support.

The thing I've learned in 8 months is that "Time does not heal ANYTHING". 6 months, 8 months, 1 year - none of them are the magic number.

The important part is how you spend that TIME. I have seen a bereavement counselor since the very beginning. Actually she was with us when Don was ill and was in our home the day he died. I've read about a zillion books on grief and becoming a widow. I've attended 9 weeks of grief support group plus monthly drop in groups.

I still have many times when the wave of grief pours over me. But, I've learned that it will pass. I also have a least a moment each day that I purposefully find a reason to SMILE.

Be kind to yourself my friend. Don't compare your mourning and grief that of others. Everyone is unique in their relationships, personalities and grieving.

Just breathe and be patient.
Do the work and you'll get there. (Where ever there is????) We can do this together.

Hugs,
Vicki

1) You are not a complainer - your thoughts and feelings are very legitmate feelings
2) There is no time line for where you should be in grief
3) Please remember not to beat yourself up for thinking you should be further along in feeling better etc....
4) You had many losses: career, health and the worst spouse
dealing with all together takes tremendous amount out of a person
5) Friends esp. those couples we were a part of: riding club, snowmobile couples, etc they dumped me like I had the plague --we do widow/widower plague-
*they are at a loss in how to make us feel better
*we remind them of pending loss they could be facing
*lives go on they were never into staying behind to help out anyway in these situations
*we do have the plague contagious it makes them itch, .....(SMILE)

And last but not least it seems the grief book I like the most says the 9 month period (close to it before and after) shows we go through another whammy of loss that shatters us almost like the beginning of our loss...

And you are right in this world we were never meant to be single as looking around all the animals, creatures, and
plants met and mingle

Its hard to get out & met others when you are disabled ...me I am disabled by rural country setting so far from places, and that town has little to offer in meeting singles & others to mingle with

Little by little finding that one trigger that makes that smile come out leads to the next and next....I hope it comes for you....
HUGS

No one here that I have ever seen is "complaining'. We come here to hacve feeling VALIDATED and your ARE.

No two people who lose their love grieve alike dear friend. Yours is not mine and mine is not yours. BUT we share a bond in that we KNOW how UNBELIEVABLY hard it is to lose your other half and make sence out of the rest of our lives.

8 months is STILL very early in this road, and as much as some have better moments like me, there are so many that do not. doesn't mean there is anything 'wrong" with me or with anyone else. We process everything differently is all.

I have had to work all my life and had NO time off after Greg's passing. It was a gift to have to get up every morning, and also a curse at the same time. BUT I think it helped me.

My 'blood' Family have not been there at all for me. You are much more lucky than I am in that. so I found I HAD family in Greg's. which helped and still does. Friends i had before I do not see often. Grown apart, differnt outlooks now maybe? i still talk to them here and there, but I'm DIFFERENT NOW.

At first, i'd go out whther I wanted to or not, and I'd force myself to do it! After a while I was OK to go out and see people and do things. We all find our very own ways.

Eveyhting vicki said is right on. Time alone never does a thing. It's what we DO with the time and the work THAT we put into ourselves that helps and there is NO timeliine to that.

As long as we try? We will MAKE it in our very OWN timeframe.

HUGS and to a better day tomorrow and just a bit better every day after. ANYTIME you ned to VENT....that's what we are all here for. Diane

Everyone has different challenges and support systems. Some of us lost husbands after a long illness, others surprisingly fast. We all have different histories of dealing with hardship and grief. Some of us have awesome support groups, others have friends and family that say hurtful and difficult things. That is a good reason for us to use forums like this and grief support groups to help each other. Grief becomes complicated and sometime convoluted when dealing with other health issues, financial problems and support deficits. We can encourage one another and learn from each other but we have to walk the unique road we have set before us. I find my best success in looking at having a focus outside myself. It can be a specific action to help others, it could be a time to meditate and pray for others. We can only do what we have in front of us to do. If you are at home because of physical problems you may need to do something that connects to your inner self in prayer, or maybe calling others to listen and encourage. I know it can be difficult. My thoughts are with you. This new reality will not last forever. Life is more than this grief. We will find the path out. Peace. Darleen

Having lost a career that I loved to disability a number of years ago, I am so sorry that you are dealng with a double dose of loss. When I became ill, my doctor suggested I see a counselor to figure out how I was going to manage my life without all I got from my work and with my limitations. I ended up with a wonderful woman whose practice focused primarily on grief. At that time I learned to grieve the loss of career and all I had planned for the future - I builf a very different, very happy life with her help. Now, I'm seeing her again -- grieving a much greater loss. I don't know that I could have survived this without that kind of help.

i have researched all over brooklyn ny and no grief groups are meeting for the summer at all. To find a counselor I could do but how would I get to see them? I can no longer drive and walking is so hard for me..even a half block is an issue due to balance and vertigo. My Joe was the arm I held on to just to get to a doctor.
I will try and find a counselor again from a local hospital. Not sure what to tell them..I lost my love, my health, my job, my home and my entire life and future? Sounds so pathetic..my old coworkers are so sympathetic but they all tell me how strong I am and how they could never handle all this loss..I am not strong, I pretend well...I am a mess. Thank yoiu all for your help, Ann

Just a thought...

While the weekly support groups are not meeting here until Fall, there is a monthly "drop-in" group through our Hospice.

It is not just for patients of families of the Hospice. It is for anyone who has suffered a loss.
I've been attending since November and the people coming change often. It is always helpful to hear what others are doing and coping with.

We also have church's in the area that offer grief support groups. They are open to the public and not just church membership. I live in a tiny town in the mid-west. Actually you can't get there from here!!!! lol

So hopefully more options are available to you in your area. Also, I wanted to mention... my bereavement counselor from Vistacare (the hospice) comes to my home to see me. She has also worked with my adult daughters and my grandchildren. No charge!

Godd luck sweetie,
Vicki

Have you tried Hospice? They will council you and no cost. Look in the newspapers and see if they have any grief things going on. did you go to griefshare.org? here is the page for Brooklyn:

http://www.griefshare.org/findagroup/search

I am at 9+months myself and I have some good days and others are bad, I found 4.6, 8 & 9 months the hardest so far. I try to keep very busy and that helps.
Hugs,
JoAnn

Ann, I agree with what the others have already said but know you are not alone on this journey. The added stress you have had to deal with and continuing on with no doubt complicates things even further....everyone has there different issues to deal with whether it is finances, family, friends or other. No two people are alike in their grief so please do not compare and think you are not healing as they "appear" to be. Look at where you were on day one...is the pain that excruciating,?? last as long??? come as often??? Small little steps, one at a time......
I thought the same thing early on until I realized if I felt I slid backwards.....that would have to mean that I did go forward at one point....if that makes sense.
As you well know things aren't always as they "appear", I don't believe we will ever NOT GRIEVE, I think we get better at "LIVING WITH IT"
Hope for some peace and healing in the days ahead......hugs

Annie,
I am at 4 years now. I may be a little less afraid and overwhelmed but I still feel empty and lonely. This time of year is rough because my husband died the day after Father's Day 2008. I understand about everyone disappearing because I've experienced the same thing as so many others have. There is no time limit on grief. Sometimes I think I'm stuck. I wish you the best and many hugs!
Barbara

Greetings Ann:

I thought to reply with some ideas for you to consider AND to say I am so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have complex issues to address. No shame in that at all. One issue at a time and the most urgent would and does get my priority.

I know my beloved wife always wanted the best for me, as I did for she. Surely your beloved husband only always wanted the best for you, undoubtedly. I know it is difficult dealing with grief in a solitary manner. I am wading through the waters. I have 32 years background in the helping professions, which only affords me to have a great deal of knowledge. Grief does not compromise.

I am relearning much and am learning to integrate what already know AND above all what I learn from others who have walked further down the road of healing is beyond valuable! I NEVER faced losing my beloved wife until 02/06/12.

Personally speaking, I am relearning AND learning as I go. Slowly but surely!!! Nothing can prepare any of us for the loss of our beloved spouse, NOTHING! I am living proof. 32 years of experience in the helping professions AND I am grief stricken in my heart and soul like anyone would be. Grief visits each and all of in the same way, how inclusive of it, aye!

I realize how difficult it can be when phoning Social services agencies and such. However if you do not get the help you need from the worker, ask to speak with a Supervisor. AND if they are TOO busy....ask for a return call.

You could always contact your community hospital and ask to speak with the Social Service Department. I can only imagine they will be able to guide you through the local resources in your area. There is help available in most communities.

You might want to also consider giving United Way a call, if you have a branch in your area. Also Salvation Army usually know of referrals, as does Catholic Charities. Good Will and St Vincent De Paul are resources as well. AND of course your local Domestic Violence Shelter will usually be quite helpful in sending callers to the appropriate agencies for help.

Also some counselors have scholarship positions for those in need of financial assistance. Ordinarily there openings require documentation to determine qualification procedures are satisfied and when the client has documented the need they are granted a reduced fee or a set amount of sessions for NO fee, etc.. This is dependent on the policies of the individual Counselor or Social Service Agency and governing Board of Directors.

AND what do you say?

You might want to begin by sharing that you are struggling with grief, and then explain your other needs that concern you. Be encouraged!!! It is the JOB of the counselor, social worker, supervisor or advocate to direct you and assist in the way that would best serve your presenting needs. I support you to reach out. AND -----NOT in any way do you sound pathetic. You are hurting, like all of us hurt when our beloved spouse passes on.

You are not alone! Just a few ides for you to consider from this LONG winded grieving husband...I understand!

(((HUGS)))

Compassionately,
BEAR

I will be at 8 months on Thursday. Looks like there are several of us who were hit by the sledge hammer around the same time. In some ways I am better, but I still have many difficulties including panic attacks, desperation and on-going health issues. I am mourning my husband, my health, my youth and the life that I wanted to keep.

Because my philosophy of life is to be grateful, I try to post positive messages. Sometimes they are real and other times they are desperate attempts to get through the day.

There is a saying not to judge your insides by someone elses outsides.

I wish us all healing, comfort and understanding.

At eight months I was still struggling on a daily basis. I retired just before Larry got ill and understand having so much time on my hands and not knowing what to do with myself. Be gentle with yourself knowing what you are feeling is normal. For me volunteering has been an opportunity to meet new people, make new friends and fill some of those empty hours. It will never take the place of spending time with my husband but it has helped. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Hugs Lu Ann

Bear, thank you for all that great information. I will make calls today to find some help if possible.

Luann..I want so much to volunteer at the animal shelter right across the street from me. I always loved animals but my balance disorder keeps me homebound. Just trying to move my eyes back and forth as one would normally do causes me to fall over. There is so much that I want to do and try but find it impossible. My day is spent trying to stand up straight on my own legs to the point where so much pain and exhaustion sets in. I started to drive again short distances since I had no other choice. I live in brooklyn with parallel parking. What a joke!! My car is always parked sideways and if there is not a spot in front of the house I am in so much trouble to walk down a block or two.
I have forced myself to go out once each day to a local store or somewhere but then the rest of my days is headache and exhaustion from focusing on my balance.
Thank you all and I will keep trying to hang on for Joe. Love you all Ann

Annie, when we suffer a devastating loss, all the losses that preceded it come up to the surface and you had other losses before Joe died, like your health that you were probably dealing with and all the other losses that have come as a result of Joe's death.

Unfortunately, grief is a process that requires work to get through it, nothing happens without doing the work. I've done quite a bit of work with my grief counselor and by myself. He has given me assignments to complete and we discuss the following week, it takes a professional to help you understand what is going on in your brain and sort it all out, especially in a case like mine, my husband and I were inseparable, we lived and worked together, we were hardly ever apart, so accepting that he was gone forever was sooooo tough, but with work and a strong desire to heal, I have helped myself heal and at 10 months I'm healing faster than I thought I could -- It is possible Annie, you can heal your broken heart! I've done it! I will always miss my husband but I don't have to feel pain and anguish along with it -- You can not live in a state of grief, No one can! you need to get professional help. The longer one stays in grief, the harder it is to attract other people into your life -- the law of attraction works -- we attract what we think about, and if all you think about is loss, you get more of it. Refocus your mind to healing yourself -- My counselor said something early on that really made me think hard about my attitude towards my loss and that is: "People think that to prove how much they loved their spouses, they need to grieve for a very long time, and the fact is that the stronger the love was the faster you can heal if you dwell on the love you had for each other -- life may end but love never dies" -- grief is about you and how you are responding to the loss and whether you see yourself as YOU instead of WE, and that is a picture that takes work to replace as it means, loving and accepting yourself as your source of everything you want your life to be. Here are 3 resources you might find helpful in your healing;

Good Grief Center
This is a resource center for helping individuals cope with grief. It offers one-on-one peer support, either over the phone or in person, an extensive lending library with a variety of books, audio, and other grief-related media, as well as a comprehensive list of support groups, organizations and therapists specializing in grief.

www.goodgriefcenter.com

Read the Book by Louise Hay "YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE" you can buy it on amazon or go to her site www.Hayhouse. com

Immerse yourself in positive messages, listen to Masters in the field of spirituality, Medicine and self improvement/Enlightenment at www.Hayhouseradio.com

I strongly recommend The Grief Recovery Handbook.

I pray that you will find something that you can hold onto, so you can pull yourself up and heal yourself emotionally, spiritually and physically. You can do it! Ask your daughters for help, they love you and want you to be whole again. You are not alone, there is always, at least one person, that is willing and able to help.

May the peace and love of God help you get through this very tough time. Hugs! Connie