Annie,

Tight hugs. You are not a complainer,it is called love, life and grief. Each of our lives, circumstances, family dynamics, social support is different so it makes each of our grief unique.

I like you have suffered a long time and found myself unnecessarily comparing my grief to others. Bola died 17 months ago and I am just starting to find some familiarity in my life, where I feel I have clarity. I am not stumbling in a fog, frightened on a daily basis anymore. You will see eventually the good days will outweigh the bad ones. Right now I am balancing the teeter tater. I still sob and cry, I laugh a little, I am still frightened, lost my beliefs, I hope, I have faith in my heart, I get angry. If that is not normal, than I guess I am not. When I look back at 8 months, I was lost, distraught, cried uncontrollably...fear, anxiety. When I cry now, I can bring myself about and know I do have a life to live..and I have hope. I can see past today.

My dynamics..like you... health. Lupus, Fibro and had 3 spine surgeries. We just relocated to the NW, sold our home 7 days before Bola was killed and here I sat. The home we rented went into foreclosure, so I was forced to move again. Packed out a 3100 sqft home alone, bought a house alone. My family who is here is so disconnected with death I can't even bring myself to call them anymore. The night I found out Bola died I was left alone. I am not looking for empathy but to let you know how each of us is unique..so our grief will be also.

Bola died in an auto accident on his way to skiing and no one told me. I found out on the Internet after calling his cell and no answer for hours. Report stated next of kin has not been notified. Me.

I went to a support group as my family pushed me to go because they had no idea , disconnected on how to support me with such a loss. I was petrified amongst all those men and women who lost their spouses...feeling like am I going to be in this turmoil I found myself in forever as their losses were 10 years prior or less. I now realize it was more of a social support for those who attended, to meet with friends...and really no support for those with a recent loss. My anxiety was high, unable to breathe...scarred me emotionally I never went back.

I sought out individual counseling...tried several.. now I have gone it alone. One counselor told me the answers were within me, I wondered what am I paying her for then. I now realize the answers are indeed within us, but we do need help from someone to help us reveal them. She was not that person.

I am not stoic, but I am learning who I can confide in and who I can't. I am learning to recognize when one tires from listening to sadness and rightfully so. They can't fix me because there is nothing to fix....but I do not let their weary ear discourage me or to feel rejected by them. Or let meaningless insensitive comments hurt me as I know they mean well.

If you find you are so depressed, filled with anxiety seek out your doctor or even a psychiatrist who can evaluate you for prescription drugs to help you to think clearly and be able to help yourself through this if you are opened to that type of therapy. When we are sad for so long our serotonin levels drop so low we can't make enough to bring them back up so we do need drugs to help with that. I have tried several....alot of allergic reactions because I have Lupus. My anxiety was so high, I could not eat, chest pain from the tightness of fear, insomnia for weeks..Xanax helped..took it at night before going to bed. Helped with the sleep so I could function in the day. I tried Buspar, that worked until my tongue and lips got tingly. Maybe there is a combination for you where you won't feel like a blank slate but are able to cope.

When we feel such despair...when we feel we can not do it another day it is because our emotions outweigh our coping skills and we feel like we can't go on. We have to learn additional coping skills. Me, I wanted to stab my arm with a fork so I would feel something different but logic took over and I realized I would be a broken heart woman with a wound on her arm. I still have days like that, but I know now they will pass. I am still standing...

In the beginning I could not see pass a nano moment, literally it felt like I would walk into to a glass door..slam..I could see out but I could not feel my future. Now I have hope. I can plan a little. Make a routine..somewhat one.

Also after Bola died our two animals who were 17 years old died, our furbabies and my dearest and only Aunt died 4 days after Bola...it has been a rough road...

I wanted to write to let you know you are not alone..to let you know it isn't about time. Sure in time life changes as with all things but it is the family dynamics, our lives with our spouses, work, health, finances, support and etc make our journey different. The journey never ends, just our perception of it does. We will always miss our spouse.. it is what emotion we put to our loss with each memory that changes our perception.

Please don't let anyone's grief over their losses or anyone who says move on, to push and shove you along. Without you even realizing it you will see how far you have come. And don't be afraid to seek guidance, drugs if need be...read books..whatever it takes as long it does not harm you or anyone else to bring peace and comfort to your heart, mind and spirit...

Tight hugs...

It all depends on whose post you are reading. When they say people react differently it is true - and I don't like it when the mention "stages". I read the posts when I first started and kind of felt like I was not experiencing what a lot of other people were - I did not have the overwhelming problems and difficulties in the first six months - but it was around that time that things got worse for me. At 8 months I was terrible.

I remember at 1 1/2 yrs walking across the Chicago River on the way to jury duty and feeling like George Bailey and wanting to jump in the river - it seemed like my life was horrible.

When my blood pressure continued to not be too good (never has been altho I take meds) and I found myself yelling over little things which was affecting family life - I went on medication. It wasn't something I had wanted or expected - I'm not the medication type - but it has made a big difference. The counselor said - it is going to make you think more clearly in addition to lowering your blood pressure.

If I don't take a pill for a day or two - it really makes a difference. There are so many other changes we have to go through. Like you said - where are all the "former" friends?? Good luck - lots of hugs too.

I'm so sorry you have suffered so many losses so close together. That and losing your husband so quickly means that you are suffering from "complicated grief." It is when too many losses happen too close together, or when the loss is due to a major unexpected tragedy. You are going through so much...please do not feel bad for complaining or compare what you are going through to others. We all are unique and have to live through grieving at our own pace.

Please be kind to yourself through all of this....it is a LOT for one person to go through.

hugs...
-Diana