Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members
19,465 Posts
0 Online
Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Where is my strength??

loveddogs
loveddogs
I cannot seem to get a grip on anything! He was always here to get me through thick and thin. Now I am so alone. I am afraid of having to make financial decisions. I can't enjoy even the simplest of things without feeling guilt. I can't understand why I have been given this huge emptyness to bear. I can't get anything done because EVERYTHING reminds me of him and his not being here. I can't seem to get housework or yardwork done because I am too exhausted. And I have a hard time even caring about any of it. I have no desire to ever list or sell another house. But what will I do? I can't commit to anything because I never know what little thing will reduce me to tears. I want to take my entire family and bundle them close to me and not see them struggle anymore. I am so afraid of this change and the loss of "us". I try to convince myself that he is in a better place, but that's such a slap in the face because I am not better for it. This grief journey is so very cruel to all of us, as all we ever did was love so unconditionally. And this is our price to pay for that? I don't know what I believe anymore or what I should believe anymore? It all seems like such a lie! What if I never find the answers? I want to load this grief crap up and give it to someone or something that has more strength than I do. I want to run away from it. No, I want to run into his arms so he can help me through this. I need to find my strenght again, but I don't want to be strong anymore. I want him to take care of me. I am so sorry for being so negative, I just needed to vent. Hugs and Love, Michele
wifeofjoe
wifeofjoe
Michele, don't be sorry. I keep asking the same questions and I have the same thoughts. These are struggles I never thought that I'd be facing at age 41. Its not fair in any way. I'm afraid that there may not be any answers.

Hugs,
Sheila
scottito
scottito
Hi Michele. Me too! They say misery loves company - so scoot over. ~ Scott
bookdragon
bookdragon
Some days we just need to vent! Hugs Patti
deremusl
deremusl
Don't be sorry, Michelle. We're in a negative place right now. It's so hard to find our way. We've lost our comfort, our security, ourselves. This is the cruelest of journeys, and the cruelest part is no one but those of us traveling it understands. We have to act normal for the world while inside we are in total desperation. I'm right here with you.
I miss him so much.

Linda
deremusl
deremusl
Michele....sorry. Grief typing.
staygolden3
staygolden3
Dear Michele. I hear and feel everything you say as well as everyone's else's comments. Yes, all we did was love unconditionally and this is the price we pay. I just don't get it either. So many of my friends are unhappily married but yet...they still have their husbands. I have no answers. It's hard to even be a cheerleader right now. It just hurts so bad. It's getting hard to fake "being ok" too. I'm sure we are all going through the natural phases of grief but man...it sure sucks! At least we have each other here. Thank God for all of you. Working together...we will get through this. It's okay to feel this way.
Love to you
Darcie
Rainbow27
Rainbow27
Yes, we loved unconditionally and now going through life alone. Still trying to find meaning in facing my future and what purpose I can be to family, friends and my community. Volunteer work is meaningful and gives me joy... Still, the hardest is being alone so many hours and not having my best friend by my side. Always thought we would grow old together or I would pass first. How naive I was in my thinking. Many of my girlfriends are married and in poor marriages, emotionally and financial. I try to be a support and listen, go for a cup of coffee with them, movie or dinner. I was blessed to have a good man, and we loved each other through thick or thin. Now to figure out how to live alone again.
donnalovestodance
donnalovestodance
Venting is good. I'm pissed off too. and I want to run away. I'm doing the financial things for 2 losses my dad and my husband. I'm 43 only and it is really too much. All my family is pretty much dead. but i'm hear to listen to you. It's really recent my losses we will stick together all of us the ones that are chosen to be strong. God supposively gives us stuff that we can handle. i'm mad he picked me to be strong like that. take care of yourself. you will make the right decisions. Donna
staygolden3
staygolden3
I apologize that I forget who wrote this on here but I'll always remember it...."I have plenty of a people to do things with...what I miss is having someone to do nothing with...."
I miss that aspect so much. Also we were very spontaneous. I also miss that.
:/
Darcie
handg
handg
Don't apologize for venting, for airing out questions that most of us ask and most important don't be too hard on yourself. You have suffered a great lost, your body is feeling the effects of it . We think that we have no energy and are not doing much and can't comprehend that we don't seem to accomplish much when in reality we are accomplishing the greatest and most important thing of all, we are surviving the lost. The first year is a year of heavy fogginess and I once compared it to "having to swim my way back from a dark swampy lake while I was not much of a swimmer"
The second year started with me finally coming out of that lake being a stronger swimmer but weak from all those efforts and walking on solid grounds with shaky, wobbly legs...I am at 32 months and can report that once I was out of that lake, with enough time walking on solid ground I was able to become stronger and these days my walk is one of a person who has come from a deep dark place and survived. Swimming out of that lake is something that takes time, as badly as we want the pain, the grieve, the obstacles to suddenly be gone, they won't and we all have to swim for survival . I know right now that you are still in the middle of that lake but I hope that you can hear my voice and the voice of others yelling from the shore " You will make it, you can do this, just conserve your energy , be good to yourself, don't fight the current instead swim with it. " XOXO
cgriff4ever
cgriff4ever
My dearest sweet michelle...I'd high 5 you.. but heck Im so emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted, dont think I can raise my hand let alone, stand up to get my arm high enough to high 5 you, haha. My point being, michelle, I too know I'm suppose to be happy Sean is no longer suffering, but I'm quite selfish, and still want him back. Weird not being a wife, worse, not having my husband to just talk to.. Love and hugs carla
jenniferalves
jenniferalves
Like everyone else's said dorm apologize. Our hearts are broken, a little too Much energy tonight and now am in a superb depression. Know better. We are all wanting our old lives back. Hang n there. Hugs
scottito
scottito
I don't really know much Michele, but I am thinking after reading all these wonderful posts that our real problem is that we lost our purpose - we each lived for our spouse - to make certain they were happy and fulfilled. And my guess is that each of our spouses had the same purpose for us in all they did. Flip the cards, and they be in exactly the same miserable state we are because we were they're purpose. So I'm thinking maybe we need to purpose ourselves to find purpose. And if that doesn't work, maybe we need to purpose ourselves to purpose ourselves to purpose ourselves ... you get the point. Life just isn't the same when we are our only purpose - no fun in that - we are people pleasers. But I know we are all survivors (otherwise this would have taken us out already). Oh, you might get a kick out of this - most everyone where I work knows that I am a recovered alcoholic sober for 17 years - I'm very open about that. My co-manager told me today that 4 or 5 have privately asked her if I'm drinking again. Hello? Its called grieving. Keep on keepin on girlfriend ~ Scott
SandyV1
SandyV1
I went to work but otherwise did nothing for seven months. My house was a disaster area, I neglected my family and friends, I hid from everyone. And you know what? It didn't actually matter a bit.
Now, I am almost at 18 months. I have recovered some balance but am still mostly lacking energy and direction. I have, however, recovered some of my natural feistiness and interest in doing some things and travelling. I have taken to doing stuff if I find I have any glimmer of interest at all (though sometimes I think I do and then don't go at the last minute - but I don't beat myself up about it, I just give myself credit for even considering it)
I have decided to give up work and take early retirement because I have lost interest in work and am in a position that I can.
I'm not sure what I will do but do know that life is too short to waste it on stuff that no longer interests me. I have a list of things I want to try.
My advice - give it time and from time to time try different things and see if there is a spark of interest. Give yourself time and space and in time the fog will lift.
Counselling has helped me as have good friends. I have learned though that just about everything can wait. There is no required timeframe. There is no 'best widow' award. This new path is horrible and it really sucks most of the time.
Wishing you glimmers of hope and interest. It is exciting when they appear through the fog.
Hugs, Sandy
jeanatds
jeanatds
Don't be sorry, we understand the negative thoughts and feelings. That's why we're here and venting is good. A friend use to tell me that pain is fear leaving the body. I should be fearless by now. I'm not but I'm much, much stronger. It will come in time Michele, pat yourself on the back for how far you've come.
Hugs
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • cedarbrooke

    As I Get Older....

    Posted by: cedarbrooke
    Last Reply: JazzyLady
    4
  • billwfriend

    I cannot get a cut and paste to post

    Posted by: billwfriend
    Last Reply: cedarbrooke
    5
    Old Hillbilly Wisdom:Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.The best sermons are lived, not preached.If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the...