Norm and I had been married over 15 yrs............we were highschool sweethearts . His mom died when we were 17 and on her deathbed she asked him to promise not to marry a Catholic, which I was at that time............I didn't know that until 35 years later.........we broke up sometime after his mom died..........and each married another.........my 32 yr marriage was not good to say the leastn and he had been married 28 yrs that had not been good...........so when Norm and I married, it was like a happily ever after ....and I am counting on eternity....lolol........the hard times made us so appreciate each other...........
Lori

I think the difference is the finality of it all. Not everyone here had the "perfect" marriage, but now, there's no tomorrow, no time to make amends, no time to ever enjoy their company again here on this earth, no more "I love you." No wonder we cling to the best of the memories.

This was the second marriage for both of us. I had been in an abusive marriage prior and had a couple of real disappointments before meeting Rudy. His ex wife, whom I am friends with, is a very nice person but she is paranoid, nagging and compulsive. I can understand his frustration and hers. We just clicked though. We had few arguements and he appreciated the peacefulness in our relationship.
I think that after death we tend to focus on the good in our marriages. Even when a marriage is less than perfect..is there perfection?....loss hits us hard.
Another thought is that those who may be "relieved" by the death of their spouse would not seek comfort from a grief group...

I just watched Tuesday's with Morrie. I had read the book, but brought to life onscreen, gave it a whole new depth and me a lot of wet tissues. Mitch Alboms books give great insight into some of the mysterys surrounding death. Tender to watch, but comforting at the same time.

I had a good marriage, but I CHOSE to love. Sure I had issues - and I KNOW he had issues. They were small compared to some people I know. Jerry had NO temper and not a mean bone in his body. He went through menopause with me - God bless him, I'm sure he wanted to throw me back for a couple of years!!! Just like we chose to be happy and have a positive mental outlook, I chose to love. Of course someone being abusive is a whole different story. I think that views on marriage are so different now - I remember the stigma of someone getting a divorce back then - RADICAL!!! NOPE- I'm not Donna Reed, but I'm sort of New Adventures of Old Christine with a little raunchy Charlie Sheen (without the drugs and a woman). I need a rest today, I'll shut up!!!.

I don't know that any of us on here think we had the perfect marriage. Lord knows, Taki and I had our moments. But we always chose our marriage over anything else. We trusted wholeheartedly and communicated constantly. We could talk about anything. And we laughed. Boy, did we laugh. He used to say " I know I can be annoying sometimes, honey, but I am never boring." I think maybe the people that find DS, the people that need the most help through all of this, are the people that truly loved. Some of those other couples you know may not need as much help when one of them moves on to heaven. Just an opinion. Hugs, Dawn

While ours was not the perfect marriage (is there really such a thing!); I think because we'd both been married previously, we knew what was important, what was valuable; and what wasn't worth the hassle. Remembering the magic and happy memories now is helping me navigate this path I'm on; I think Ron would want me to remember the good times; and not the sad, sick ones.

IClaim...,

Interesting comment: 'So, what makes the difference?' Can we ever really know? However, below is my take on our life together.

My husband was raised in a foster home. His mother died when he was nine, and there wasn't a father who wanted him. He became a ward of the county court system and was placed in the home with foster parents who were acquainted with his mother. When I met him we were both in high school, he was 17 and I was 14. We married as soon as I graduated and thus began a marriage of two teenagers (19 & 17) who matured together as they entered the adult world. By the world's standards, we didn't have a chance in h#@% of making it past our first year.

My husband poured his soul into our marriage and family. I always felt his deep protection and sense of responsibility to us as being a direct result of his background. Family meant the world to him, as we spent many of our adult years searching for siblings that he had never metone of whom he was unaware of until he received his case file from the county when he was in his 40s.

It was an interesting life full of situations that were so out of my realm of ordinary upbringing, but I journeyed with him as he discovered his background and lineage. All in all, it made him who he was and set our family on a path that most never have to experience. I recall the humiliation and cruelty of the students because they knew he was a "foster kid." Prejudices and intolerance were quite different in the '50s. I was blessed to watch that man turn the disappointments and indignities of life into rich, endearing years of a life well lived.

No, we weren't the Donna Reed family; we struggled to piece a family together from the remnants of a confusing start. Somehow it worked, and the beat goes on; hopefully, a bit easier for our offsprings and future generations.

Blessings to you as you continue on this unsettling journey. TJ

I think this issue is important, and I am glad it is being addressed. I certainly did not have a perfect marriage. My spouse was not perfect, and neither am I. I could list a thousand things wrong with our relationship. But, in death it's not the loss of all the negative I mourn . . . what I miss are the million and one positive things that are now gone. So, what is the difference? Perspective. My perspective.

Love your take on this topic...............all about perspective.............
L

I grew up in a housing project where there were no shortage of "wild" boys. My mother divorced early and bounced from one jerk to the next. I watched and listened, grew up early. Knew what I wanted-a good man. And I found him. The finest person I ever knew.

Thank you all for responding. Great insights from all of you. I should have been clearer........I don't think there has been a couple to walk this earth that did not dissagree or push their mate to the limits now and then, but somehow, some go to their own corners, while others take each others hand and say we'll figure this out together. We live in a world that does not like to recognise or finds it improperto say that people can have either a good or bad nature to their soulserhaps that is the only difference.

I've often wondered about this very topic.... and my husband I actually talked about it through the years. We both agreed that marriage took work. A good marriage is a precious thing that has to be nurtured and cared for. Mutual respect and trust were key for us. My husband was fond of saying "You have to pick the hills your willing to die on." Meaning you only make an issue out of the things that REALLY are important to you and you let the others go.

He was a great guy and I was blessed and honored to be married to him.

Sherm and I had a great marriage but it was never perfect. We both had our flaws. He had a rough relationship with his mom and a drunken dad and did not trust easily. I had an abusive drunken father who made me determined to stay single and avoid the pain. And we met and talked and laughed together and trust came as did love. Tough times came along and we didn't like each other sometimes but the good times outnumbered the bad. We agreed we had to have the tough times to appreciate the good. And there was always love thru it all. Guess it worked because we saw each others flaws and accepted them along with all the good.

I think misinggib42 was right on. I have wondered too at the different perspective I have now. Back then after a bad patch in our marriage I might have considered that I could do better alone. Now I would gladly relive our worst days if I could see him again. The bad wasn't so awful and the good things were so wonderful.
Because he was sick for sometime before he died. I was able to tell him that he ment so much to me and inspite of any problems we may have had I was so happy to have a life with him. I just wish I had more chances to tell him again.
Now when I hear friend's problems with their husbands I want to say- you would wish he were here to drive you crazy if you were a widow. Sometimes I do. I think it does people good to consider our perspective.