Widows & Widowers Support Group

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What is "moving on?"

edithbathgate
edithbathgate
I am at 3+ years out and I get much contradictory advice from people. I am wondering when someone says, "You've got to move on," what that means. In the past three years I've settled my husbands estate which was complicated by his sudden dea th and the fact i did not know his financial status or passwords, I've stayed with his father, his brother, his cousin, my neighbor up til their deaths, I've helped my sister through cancer treatment, I've found and worked at a part time job, traveled in and outside of the U.S., purchased a truck, given away cars, maintained relationships with step children, hired contrators for major house repairs and begun several volunteer activities. Am I real happy? No. Am I okay? Yes. I'm trying to meet people and be of service in my community. But I haven't taken my wedding ring off. I don't date. I had several indecent proposals and several more polite inqueries as to whether I'll ever have a boyfriend again. The honest answer is: I don't know. I still miss my husband, very much at times, I don't think I could ever go through this kind of loss again and I haven't seen anyone who exactly inspires me to throw the ring in a drawer and run after him. I also have stepchildren and I wonder how they would feel if I went out with someone else. They are in their thirties now and have children of their own. They grew up here with me and my husband. He had custody because his wife was an active alcoholic/ addict who had many unstable/ criminal boyfriends.
To be completely truthful, I hope to be with my husband again after my own death. Am I unbalanced? I just don't get it. What am I supposed to do? I really am lonely many times but I don't think "hooking up" would ever be for me. Please advise. What is "moving on?"
castlenana
castlenana
You don't appear to be unbalanced at all. I love it when people freely express their opinions and tell you to move on. How does that even help? It appears you've been moving on all a along. You seem realistic, and try to stay involved in things. When you are ready to become involved in a relationship, I think you will know. I've already had people tell me I may meet another man sooner or later, and it wasn't even two weeks after my husband's death. It is no one's business but your own. Wear his ring as long as you want to. I'm going to say, can't help it, but the nerve of people to assume it's okay to say such things. I get a little irate. :-)
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think what you are describing is moving on. You seemed to have made a new normal. Your life is going better. That being said, I believe that we will always miss our spouses. Some widows/widowers never want to date or to have another relationship. If that is what you want then that is okay. If you think that you might, talk to your step -children about the possibility of you starting to date then do that.
For the ring, you will take it off when you are ready.
matthew90
matthew90
What these, I'm assuming well intentioned people do not understand, is if they themselves, have not lost a spouse, they have no clue what they are talking about. Anyone who has not experienced this unique, intensely painful, life altering event has absolutely no right to speak about how or when we should "move on". I have found that the people who are most uncomfortable relating to us in the grief state, want us to return to the person they were comfortable around. Some adapt to who we are, some fade into the background. We must recover and re-invent on our own timetable, not the timetable of the ignorant. You are, where I am hoping to arrive in time; independent, and living a meaningful life. Why get involved until, and if, another special person enters your life. Nothing wrong with you at all, quite the opposite.
Robert
sandeestttn
sandeestttn
To me, it sounds like you are doing great, and have made a happy life for yourself. Keep it up..Sandee
Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe
Edith - my first inclination, when I read this, was...WTF does that mean, really? I hate, hate that phrase. You're living your life. And doing what you need to do, and yeah, even what you want to do. Keep doing it. Hugs, Marsha
kynessie
kynessie
I'm just starting year four and I feel much the same way you do. I don't think I'm happy, but I am content. I'm doing okay. I handle things as they come up. I work hard and even work some overtime. I take care of all my business and manage to go out to dinner with friends and family. I'm back to enjoying my cross stitching and I'm organizing a statewide cross stitch retreat at a local lodge and I have people from four different states attending.

I still wear my wedding ring and I don't even think about dating again. I just don't think that will happen to me and I don't know that I want it to happen. I don't mind living alone and I never really feel lonely.

So the one final thought is that if I'm not moving forward then I don't know how to do it either. I'm trying and that is all I can do.

Nessie from KY
lrs55
lrs55
It sounds to me like you are doing very well! How wonderful of you to take care of all those people. I admire that very much.

I wore my wedding ring for six months and then it dawned on me that from my husband's perspective, in eternal life, we are not married. That gave me pause and I decided to remove my ring. When I go out in public I try to always wear my mother's ring. It has his birthstone on it--a diamond--as well as mine and our daughter's. I am assuming that it will probably keep lurkers at bay since it is on my left hand! I, at this point have no interest in another relationship either. A friendship would be wonderful, someone to watch TV with in the evening, go out to dinner or a movie, but nothing with an emotional involvement.
LostAndFeelingAlone
LostAndFeelingAlone
Sometimes I get the impression when people say "moving on", they mean discard the death and anything that ties to the memories of it.

Only a robot can do this. Not humans. It sounds like you have moved on. You sound like you have a life of your own.

It seems like the person saying "move on" is the one who has the problem, or can't handle what is being said or done. It most definitely is not you!

To ditto Sandeesttn: "keep it up" "your doing great" !
BrokenGeo
BrokenGeo
Edith, I'm nowhere near the timeline that you are. But it's been said elsewhere by someone else in one of the past posts that you don't move on, you can only move forward. I believe that because with moving forward you are not really leaving anything behind. The memories will always be there with you, but you have to move forward toward the future, you, we have no choice.
As for the ring and the dating part I believe in whatever amount of time it takes you will eventually do what your conscience dictates. Everybody's an individual, as they say "follow the path where it leads you". But tread lightly.
Personally it seems to me that your thinking things through.
Ah what would this life be without all these choices and decisions that we have to make? ( I know it's really not funny). We can only do the best we can.

Best Regards, George
gerald222
gerald222
Edith I am at a little over a year and if I accomplish what you have by the 3 year mark I would consider it great strides forward. You are building a life. Not one you would chose(obviously our spouse would be in that) but with the circumstances dealt you. In your own way you have inspired me. You have given a very matter of the fact picture at the 3 year mark. Thank you for sharing your personal journey. Gerald
Truhal
Truhal
You're not unbalanced at all. You know what you want and will not accept anything less.

I'm nearly 4 years now and don't plan to ever date. I had the love of my life. A marriage that was blessed by God. I don't intend to join my friends in the 21st century world of hook-ups and heartbreak. Instead, I will join a church and try to be of help to those in need. I'll hang out with friends and try to enjoy life. Finally, I'll wait to be reunited with the only man I'll ever love.

To me this is moving on.
BandiBlue
BandiBlue
I'm only at 5 months in my grief, so I might not be the best person to advise you, Edith, but I may have been the person to whom George was referring. I have said it before in posts here that I refuse to use the expression "moving on" because that suggests to me that I am leaving behind my beloved Sam and all the memories he and created. I will, however, say "moving forward" because wherever life takes me, I want Sam's spirit beside me. Some days that's the only thing that keeps me going.

Right now I can't imagine accomplishing everything that you have done. Unbalanced? Not at all. You seem to have balanced life's ups and downs much more adequately than I imagine I ever will. Keep doing what you're doing ... and you'll be an inspiration to all of us!
Darlene-Newman
Darlene-Newman
Dear Edith, you will never know how much your post has helped me. I also am nearly at the 3 year mark. I have no boyfriend and am not interested in forming any close relationship with another man. I have dated a bit but very little. People tell me "It's time to start living again."

To me "living again" means finding something to be passionate about in life. ( a course of study, hobby, a cause, some type of volunteer service)

It sounds as if you have accomplished a huge amount in the three years you have been by yourself. It sounds like you have been living life. You are perhaps not happy but you are all right. I think that is the true goal.

It seems to me you are not unbalanced at all. You are just wise enough to know yourself well. Congratulations on your accomplishments and for being true to yourself. If ever the time comes when you are ready for another partner in life you will know it.
Hugs & good wishes to you.
Sammantha71
Sammantha71
To me it sounds like you are building a great life for yourself. If you are content in what is going on in your life then great. As for the ring keep it on your finger and remember the happy times you had with your husband I do that. You sound like you are doing good keep it up. You are not unbalanced you sound like you are trying to make do with what life has handed you.
edithbathgate
edithbathgate
Thank you, dear friends, for saving my sanity once again. You're the best!
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