Widows & Widowers Support Group

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What is "moving on?"

edithbathgate
edithbathgate
I am at 3+ years out and I get much contradictory advice from people. I am wondering when someone says, "You've got to move on," what that means. In the past three years I've settled my husbands estate which was complicated by his sudden dea th and the fact i did not know his financial status or passwords, I've stayed with his father, his brother, his cousin, my neighbor up til their deaths, I've helped my sister through cancer treatment, I've found and worked at a part time job, traveled in and outside of the U.S., purchased a truck, given away cars, maintained relationships with step children, hired contrators for major house repairs and begun several volunteer activities. Am I real happy? No. Am I okay? Yes. I'm trying to meet people and be of service in my community. But I haven't taken my wedding ring off. I don't date. I had several indecent proposals and several more polite inqueries as to whether I'll ever have a boyfriend again. The honest answer is: I don't know. I still miss my husband, very much at times, I don't think I could ever go through this kind of loss again and I haven't seen anyone who exactly inspires me to throw the ring in a drawer and run after him. I also have stepchildren and I wonder how they would feel if I went out with someone else. They are in their thirties now and have children of their own. They grew up here with me and my husband. He had custody because his wife was an active alcoholic/ addict who had many unstable/ criminal boyfriends.
To be completely truthful, I hope to be with my husband again after my own death. Am I unbalanced? I just don't get it. What am I supposed to do? I really am lonely many times but I don't think "hooking up" would ever be for me. Please advise. What is "moving on?"
lrs55
lrs55
I'm going to throw something out here that is rather philosophical in nature. For me it is very helpful to try to think in this manner.

I have been doing a little study on the value of suffering and I found one of the comments from this author to be interesting. He said that today we define the word happy to mean feeling good but in the past the great philosophers defined happiness as the capacity to DO good. So, for me, I can find peace when I am doing something that is good even if my feelings don't seem all that cheery.
icezam19
icezam19
So good to see posts from the 3 yr + group.
I agree with you all.......especially truhal and edithbath and iris and and Darlene and all.

My husband used to say "a man's got to do what a man's got to do."
I am learning that what I've got to do at this time in life is mostly to put my head down and keep going. It really is a journey and there will be some nice times but most of the trip requires perseverance and commitment.

I also try to be grateful because I am learning that
Gratitude is Strength

My rings stay on.
"I Know I'll Never Find Another You." The Seekers
icezam19
icezam19
Great to hear from you too Marjoe and kynessie
michaelbmanning
michaelbmanning
Moving on is one of those terms the clueless people use when they feel they have to cut us down and beat us up because we may not live our lives the same way they do. Another man/woman is not the answer to our problems regardless of how old/young you are. It will not fix you. It may make things worse. Moving on is when I open the door and tell all the well meaning folks to "move on", which is a nice way of saying get out of my face and keep your thoughts to yourself. I wear my rings and his ring. I do not date by choice and if people have problems with that, they need to move on.

Maggie
missmyhero
missmyhero
Moving on is a clueless phrase by clueless people who have not lost a spouse. To me it means to "get over it and move forward as though life did not change." Which is completely...totally insane. I use the term moving forward which I did from the moment I places one foot in front of the other as one person (instead of two). That looked totally different every moment...every day...every week...every year because I grew and evolved over time myself as I grieved and learned how to survive as just me. It was the hardest thing I ever did and it keeps changing as I keep changing now four years 10 months after losing my husband. No one knows what a persons life is like until they walk a mile in their shoes so no one has the right to tell you how you should think...feel...or live. They are just plain not you. And people that think they have a clue about what it is like to lose their other half before they do will someday either find out or their other half will lose them. Sadly everyone finds out what it feels like sooner or later. Big hugs to you as you continue to keep placing one foot in front of the other...
-Diana
tlsom
tlsom
The Griefshare group I attended suggested to look at it as moving forward rather than moving on. Moving forward means we take our lost ones memories, love, etc. with us...whereas moving on implies leaving behind. I could not nor do I want to leave Chris behind. He will be with me forever and I WILL see him again one day in Heaven and then we will never be apart again. But I am trying to move forward with life. God has plans still and I need to try to move forward into whatever that is. Don't let anyone push you into what you think you should be doing with your life. Most people have no clue what it is like to lose a spouse. For what it is worth, I think you are doing great.
barbarame
barbarame
"Move on" might be the wrong way to put it. You are moving and living life as fully as you can, It sounds all good to be. What you describe is about the best we can do,
karatxmo
karatxmo
I really like what you wrote today...I think you are doing well. you sound like you are making a lot of effort to make your life meaningful. I don't think you ever need to throw your ring in a drawer...even if you met someone. your husband was your love and always will be even if the right person walks into your life you never need to move on from your husband. tonight I told a new friend of mine that ill never be over john and I will never be ok. She looked at me and said "who says you have to be?" shes right. ill find a new groove and make a life for myself and my babies...but I never have to move on...john will always be a huge part of my life and who I am. for what its worth...I think youre doing great.
edithbathgate
edithbathgate
I loved what you all had to say. I feel much better about my choices. The only person who validated me before you guys was my stepdaughter. I told her I'd never feel as good as I did before her dad died adn she said,'That's kind of the point, isn't it?" Thank you widows and widowers for not telling me I'm neurotic for not stalking another man.
limasc
limasc
People want to see you happy and they think if you have someone in your life that will make you happy and not dwell on your loss. That is a bunch of crap. There is no moving on from what we have gone through. You move on from a job loss and such, not from the death of a spouse.

I lost my husband over 4 1/2 yrs ago. Been in a new relationship for close to 3 years now and I would never say that I have moved on. I have taken steps to make my life as happy as it can be without my husband, but he is still with me everyday. Not 1 day goes by I don't still think about him and miss him.

It sounds like you are making yourself as happy as you can. Don't let others interfere with the that.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
Okay, this may sound weird (so what else is new Martha?), but I have never liked that term because I grew up with the 45 of Ray Charles' version of this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujkjClqQnM0

So I have known since I was a little kid that "moving on" meant dumping someone and leaving them behind because you were pissed off at them for doing you wrong. That sure has nothing to do with my being a widow.

I agree with Maggie that another man will not fix anything. Love is never supposed to be about fixing people, is it? Unfortunately, friends and others will think you should be 'fixed' as though grief is something wrong because it makes you feel so crappy, and not the life of the party you may once have been. That's their problem, not yours. I agree that it is disrespectful, and I find that sort of thing very annoying.

The next time some idiot tells you that you need to 'move on', send them Ray Charles and ask them if they really think that's what's going on. You became a widow, you did not enter the Witness Protection Program. You don't have to erase your life story, your history, your feelings, for someone else's convenience.

Live your life as you see fit, just keep living it. There's nothing wrong with you. And it's ridiculous that they would try to minimize and dismiss the incredible amount of stuff you have accomplished and endured these past 3 years. Give yourself some credit and ignore the turkeys!

Love and Hugs,
Martha
deleted_user
deleted_user
Moving on is something that you do when a traffic light changes to green. You are living life the best that you can considering what you have been through. It's a stupid, rude comment that shouldn't be used to describe our losses. Leave your rings on for the rest of your life if you want. I am. Sometimes, people loved their spouse so much that they can only tolerate life to where it is liveable. Not everyone will find true happiness again. You are doing a fabulous job considering what you have lost. Some spouses are NOT replaceable and there is no "moving on". You have learned to live life the best that you can. I also hope to be with my wife again. Actually, I'm counting on it! Keep your husband with you in your heart. There is nothing wrong with that at all. You are doing exactly what you need to do. You are doing great!
Nicker07
Nicker07
I BELIEVE others think its you are putting one foot in front of the other without crying your eyes out, and you are smiling somewhat again and look like you are no longer sadden beyond belief and all those phrases.

I think its a phrase that is said because others just do not want to know we are not happy as they would like us to be. SO we say oh we are fine. Which is a phrase in itself to serve its purpose however sometimes meaningless.

BUT we do survive doing what needs to be done to do so...Like fixing that broken pipe again....

HUGS
edithbathgate
edithbathgate
Thank you, thank, you and again, thank you.
praised
praised
I admire your tenacity to get things done. The very fact that you are still functioning in your "right mind" says a lot about you. People have issues about death. They feel uncomfortable around those who have suffered a loss. They want you "move on", so it can be the way it used to be and the one you lost fades from memory. It has only been six months for me and I am almost 75. I cannot imagine anyone else. The bar has been set too high for anyone to even come close, and especially at my age. I am active with various senior centers, travel with a group and enjoying the years I have left.