My two sisters were with me when we said goodbye to Frank, they drove me home after and my older sister called the funeral home and both went with me to set everything up and handled most of the letting people know, a few friends called often but to be honest after the memorial I was pretty much left alone, if I needed help or anything I was told to just call, thats not a easy thing to do when grieving and raising a child who is also grieving not to mention my husbands dog who became very hard to handle for awhile, he was grieving as well..
I do feel I was left by almost everyone, even lost a close friend who just didn't know how to be one when I was grieving.

I was very fortunate. I had great friends would always seem to know when I need them the most. My sisters have been great too. But the most would have to be my daughter. She has grown nto such a beautiful women I just can't believe we made her. I am so thankful to so many people in the beginning. But I will say I am very disappointed in the church we had attended for years.

I really know I could not have done this without my freinds and my daughter.

Love and hugs,

Diane

I cannot say I got the kind of help that you hear you are supposed to get. Being a mid-life marriage, (2nd for me, 1st for him), his family was never really very friendly toward me, and his friends were nice, but they were HIS friends, and I didn't get to know them very well, so while I did get a lot of support from everyone during the week of his death and funeral, after that, everybody just sort of dropped out of sight. He belonged to a different church, so the same was true of the pastor - very nice, but not someone I was really close to, and my own church was not really there for me either. Outside of my grown daughter from a former marriage, who was/is very supportive, I was, and continue to be pretty much on my own. I have since changed churches, though for reasons that had nothing to do with being widowed, and my new church is a warm, welcoming place which has helped. The other big help has been this site where I have found a lot of support and comfort. laurabp

My family, his family and friends were great. It seemed like someone would call or visit at just the right moment. My daughter and oldest son were also my support. My youngest son, who worked with his dad every day for 8 years, has his own grieving and the stress now of continuing, so I didn't talk much to him. But he moved in with me and that has been a blessing. My wonderful sister was the best, she spent many nights with me, talking to me til late and was just the greatest. I would not be here without her and the others.

But like Diane, the church family disappointed me. They have been absent, no calls, visits, just cards. Cards are nice, but you can't cry with them.

At 3 months, most of the calls/visits have left up. We have more illness to deal with, so I make the calls now and no one has been less than supportive to me.

I ahve also been reading books on grieving, that helps. The bereavement group is kind of so/so.

But what has helped me the most is DS. I find that reading others thoughts/problems/comments is the most useful. It helps me understand, be not alone and get up everyday and do something. If it's only one thing, it's something. Thank you all.

To start off with, I had two co-workers show up at my house right after the paramedics left, I wasn't even sure how they heard about it but they were there at just the right time. They called my sister and Ted's brothers and sisters, I don't know how I would have been able to tell any of them what happened over the phone. That was a big help. I only have one sibling, my sister who is l0 years older than me. She came and stayed day and night for almost a week and then came to spend the nights with me for a couple of months. She went everywhere with me that first week to take care of all those things you don't really want to deal with, arrangements at the funeral home, insurance, social secuity, banking, you name it. Also very helpful was my manager from the bank branch I worked at and a manager from another branch. They knew what had to be done here at my home to prepare for all the company and visitors that would be by in the first few days and after the service. They took care of organizing and preparing all the food and essentials. My neighbor across the street who I didn't really know all that well took charge of all the food that the neighbors prepared for me. All of this seems really basic but it came from people I didn't know would do so much for me and at a time when I really needed the help.

His parents, our pastor and 2 other friends came to the hospital at 3 in the morning when everything happened. After that, we left and went home. Our church delivered one meal to our home and that was it. We were alone until my mother flew in that night. I am very dissappointed in our church because we have been members for 13 years. Everyone kept telling his parents how sorry they are and delivering food to their house. They joke with me about how much they had left over and couldn't finish it all, but didn't offer any of it to me & our two girls.
His blood brother set everything up as far as the service and helping me with the details. His other brother (closest friend, like a brother) is the only one that will call to see how I am doing still to this day, almost 2 months later, will bring me anything that I need and also his parents who hubby was also close to. They have invited me to go to events at their church and have been more of a family to me than my inlaws. This whole experience has opened my eyes as to who truly cares.
I did feel abandoned, not only by my husband passing, but also by everyone but 2 people that were closest to hubby. That was the biggest shock of all.

I have a awesome girlfriend that helped me tremendously. She was and still is my lifeline. My first day back to work was so hard. She called and said that this day is over and I made it. Then she took me on a cruise just to get away for a while. She always knew when to leave me alone and when to just be there. Our Pastor was with Dan when he died and he has been so supportive. I really can't say that I was alone or disappointed in anything. Just blessed.

What a good thread TJ - very helpful for reflection and also something, at least for me, to be so thankful for. I was so greatful for the quiet help of church friends and family. My elder sister came and stayed for a few days or a week (I cannot remember - as you said, you're rather robotic) just for company and to assist. There was a roster of church ladies who cooked for us for ages and they were so sensitive, they just left to the food at the door, or brought it on Sunday to church for me to take home. Lovely Christian neighbours also made cakes and desserts and left them at the door. The funeral was huge and all the ladies cooked and after the coffin had left everyone cleared the seating and laid out tables and a finger-food lunch. We have been so blessed with friends and sensitive help that it still brings tears of humility to my eyes - how many tears can a man cry? John

TJ - a thoughtful thread, and one that makes me remember those who were there for me. I closed our business only for one day - it was July 4th weekend in my resort community. What I got? Hugs, friends just grasping my hand - unspoken and spoken love - my employees rallying around me. At home - 2 neighbors (I'm in a townhouse) where I could literally knock on the door, sit and cry. Friends, who I could phone and say, "just talk to me", and we would. Joe's kids, 3000 miles away, here with me when he died, sharing our grief. A customer, a fellow widow, who I barely knew, coming in to hug me and give me words of comfort. I remember her to this day. Like you, I was functioning, but it was robotic, indeed. Oh, and my retired Secret Service customer/friend who got up at 4 a.m. 3 times a week to help me bake, plus Pastor Joe (not my pastor, but helping me bake) who did the same. I remember calling him from hospice - will you come help, I said? I'm already there, he answered. G-d love these people.. thank you for letting me remember them. Hugs, Marsha

My whole family was there for me and still are. My younger sister flew down immediately by herself from Kentucky and my older sister drove in the middle of the night to come and see us. Even our neighbors brought us food immediately and after the service the ladies auxillary from my parents church prepared a huge lunch for everyone to eat. My childrens friends came and stayed the whole week with us and spent the night with them so they wouldn't feel alone in the house. I remember at the wake, my sons 3 good friends just sat there waiting for everyone to leave and then for my son to say goodbye to his dad. I was very touched by that. Being with my immediate family the whole week was very theraputical and I got to spend alone time with each one to talk about Danny about what a wonderful person he was. We feel very blessed to have a close family.

Yes this thread causes us to reflect and be thankful. My oldest son called our pastor right after Robert passed and he was going to come right over to the house but I could not see anyone that night. So he came over the next day Sunday after church and went over everything that I needed to start doing. Which I did as most folks say Robotically. I had two good friends who came over that Monday and started to help me get the service together.One of whom is my youngests son's Godmother came and stayed with me every evening after work for a week and a half after Robert passed until 11:30-12:30am because I was having difficulty sleeping. Sadly to say I saw who my true friends were and that some people don't know what to say or do when you are greiving.

My youngest daughter(20 y/o at the time) was with me when I learned of Shawn's suicide. She called my other daughter, my son, sister-in-law and my ex-husband(who I was married to for 27 years). My daughters took me to the doctor because my blood pressure was sky high. He gave me something intravenously which was suppose to make me go to sleep, but didn't. Then they drove me to pick up Shawn's truck because it had been towed away and the fee would go up if left overnight(he died from carbon monoxide poisoning). The next day was Christmas Eve and I remember cooking all day before meeting at my daughter's home that afternoon. It still feels like a dream. I laid down when I got there and awoke the next day. My children and ex- husband packed and put all my stuff in storage. I walked around the house unable to do anything but cry. My sister-in-law took care of Shawn's cremation. I moved into my ex-husband's spare bedroom, because I was afraid to be by myself. I did not want to be alive. My ex and I remained very good friends after the divorce. My youngest daughter still lives there, too. She slept with me every night for a few weeks. While living here I was able to face the future and have loved ones listen and assure me I was not to blame for Shawn's death. I filed bankruptcy and had spinal surgery in June 09. I'm not sure I would be here if not for these wonderful family members who showed me how much they care. Sorry this was so long. Hugs, Debbie

I called Wes's friend Brian to go check on him, it took nearly an hour for him to call me back with the dreadful news that I was already kinda expecting to hear...Brian and I cried on the phone together...he was Wes's best friend and coworker...my roomate heard me sobbing and came in after I got off the phone with Brian and I told her, she too was awaiting news that evening about it as I had been sharing with her all day my fears from not hearing from Wes (we lived out of state from each other, he was moving here in november)...my roomate sat on the edge of my bed and cried with me until I cried myself out. I don't recall telling anyone else until the next day...I may have sent some emails to Wes's friends far and abroad...I dont' recall...only recall being in a daze that nite. What an aweful nite.

Thank you all for your willingness to share very personal and painful events after losing your loved ones. A couple of DS friends have asked what help was offered to me.

As with many of you, those who came quickly to my side were family. My daughters who were experiencing their own deep sorrow at the loss of their father, stayed by my side during those terrible first days. My son-in-law took over all the practical things that needed done before the funeral. My neighbors were always a phone call away, but, God bless them, they didn't wait for the calls that I just didn't have the emotional energy to make. They weren't obtrusive but saw to my needs: food, lawn, etc. My Sunday School class was absolutely wonderful. They brought in food and supplies enough to serve anyone and everyone who came before and after the funeral service. Brothers and cousins came from out of state and were there for me and our daughters. To this day, I'm not sure how some of the friends and family found out so quickly, but the calls and expressions of love were humbling. Yes, after a while the activity slowed down. After all, their lives were still normal; mine would never be the same. I was surprised at some who had the compassion to stick with me while moving through the fog; others who I thought were the best of friends just didn't know where to go from there. Consequently, some best friends drifted away (after all, I was no longer part of a couple); some friends and even acquaintances became the dearest of friends and part of a very important support system for me.

It's hard to be objective when part of your very being has been ripped away, but eventually my point of reference changed and I saw the "norm" as it functions in the world. I had to make a new life for me and that meant "a little give and take." In other words, I learned to cut people some slack. For me and my well being, that was the best possible resolution.

What did I learn through this horrible loss: (1) not to shy away but to reach out to those grieving, (2) not to ask "call if you need anything," but to anticipate what may be needed and do it, simply, quietly, but do it ,(3) not to ignore the obvious--the death of the loved one--but to speak of the loved one to the survivor (it was comforting to me to hear my husband's name in a conversation).

Numerous other things I have taken away from this sadness. Oh, that I may use them wisely and never forget that life-changing moment when I realized death had robbed me of my beloved husband. Understanding God's plan is not my responsibility. He loves me and continues to guide me everyday.

Again, thank you so very much and I apologize for my lengthy reply to the question. You're the best. Blessings. TJ

You mentioned in your last post how people should not shy away from talking with the grieving person about their partner, that it brings comfort to hear their name spoken in conversation....that is so true! Once the funeral/memorial has taken place people kind of drift away and stop talking about the person so much...but I have this need to talk about him, to say his name outloud to someone else...at least a few times a day...it's strange...it's good to have this place to do just that...where people don't tire of hearing it or discussing their grief.