I won't lie to you, it's tough. I work full time too and as I look around the house there's so many things that need doing that it becomes overwhelming and I feel like giving up. What works for me is to break it down into smaller tasks. Some I can do after work others I save for a weekend depending on what's involved. Don't be afraid to let friends help. At first I felt awkward asking but trimming trees was just too much to do on my own. I've also asked friends for handyman referrals. Be gentle on yourself too. I've had great plans only to get up and fall apart under a giant grief burst. I just keep telling myself it'll all get done eventually. I talk to my husband too while I'm doing things. Like I would if he was there. I know it's not the same but I do know he'd be proud of me for trying. Don't know if my rambling helps but at least know you're not alone. Hugs Liz

What spare time? I am retired, not working, but it seems there is never enough time to get everything done around this lace. I used to work full time, take care of my husband, and dad. Come home from work, mow 1/3 rd of yard, shower, go to bed, get up, work, cook, clean, laundry. mow. Run them to drs... etc. Now they are both gone, I am retired. Someone is always moving in with me, so I have to cook, clean, take care of them. Whew... I don't think it will ever stop....I had a few months I was alone. I loved it. guess it was short lived, I will let you know if it ever happens again... Sandee

That is part of my problem, nothing is getting done and I don't have the heart to start. It's like I am stuck. I want to cover up and never come out. I am always exhausted! No matter how much I sleep, or how hard I do physical labor or don't I am exhausted. Is it the grief?

Yes, it is the grief....so I am told by my two widowed friends, and it can be just debilitating.

It did take me some time to get going but because my husband died in another state WA to CO unexpectedly leaving me with a master bathroom torn apart I soon had to get busy. With my daughter and some neighbors it got put back together, new shower, sink, cabinet, flooring, walling etc. I did a lot of it myself.

Today 4 years later I just fixed fence where the elk plowed a hole, planted the tree I should have done last fall, picked up the rocks that fell out of line in my little garden, realigned those, washed my car somewhat as hoses are not hooked yet....threw out some old wheat seeds that was supposed to go to quail but due to PNW middle winter they did not eat and I noticed it was growing in my rockway so threw some on the hill slopes maybe before the drought ages hits....raked some dead grasses up as I live next to forested area in case of fire....now I am going to eat lunch at 2, pick up at my house and get ready for work tomorrow.

I hope with time, I can be self sufficient. I have ditched water and mudslides this past week. if I could get some energy and motivation back I think incould do a few things.

P.S. To my earlier comment. Was totally motivated and full of positive energy yesterday today not so much. Haven't really been able to get going. Feel like I'm wasting the day, but that's ok. Grief will dictate what you are capable of and yes it's physically as well as emotionally exhausting. Give yourself a break. Set simple goals and don't beat yourself up if they don't get accomplished. Liz

I work part time, watch too much TV, too much computer, cook, clean the usual. Read some, do some crafts and I just joined a book club & recipe swap. None of these take up much time so I am bored quite often. I like to stay busy but its not happening. I do have lots I need to do but just plain don't feel like it :^ ( I know you know what I mean, I will also do some jig saw puzzles and hope the dog doesn't get another piece!

I had a burst of energy after he died and got so much done. Then I went through several months where I did nothing. I could not. I would look at a pile of dishes or laundry and just go back and collapse on the couch. I am now starting to come out of that and am getting some things accomplished. I am just outside of Buffalo and Spring is definitely NOT here yet. I do not look forward to yard work. I have always hated it. I wish that I could pave over my lawn and flower beds.

Your energy levels will fluctuate through this as the grief will take a big chunk of it. You can strengthen yourself a bit by remembering to drink extra water or fluids (not alcohol) to counteract the dehydration all the crying creates. When you lose a lot of water through crying, it creates a feeling of being drained - literally - and it also makes foggy thinking worse. I got so dehydrated early on that I actually had muscle cramps and spasms; that's when I found out about the dehydration issues. So drink extra water.

It's hard to get a decent night's rest, too. I was sleeping in 2-hour bits, almost as bad as when my kids were babies. That's okay when you are young and fit but at 50 it was a disaster. Chamomile tea helped me relax enough to fall asleep without being groggy the next day. B-complex vitamins, the so-called "stress vitamins," also improved the quality of my sleep and helped clear my head a bit, too.

Make sure you are getting at least one decent, healthy meal a day. Most of us will go to comfort food or not eat, and that doesn't help. Your body needs nutrients when you are going the the catastrophe of grief. So feed yourself at least once a day with a balanced meal - protein, complex carb, veggies/fruits. You need the physical endurance to get through the emotional side of this. The two are linked up.

I took a multivitamin, extra calcium, and B-vitamins, drank extra water, and I had to have healthy dinners if nothing else because I was still cooking for my sons. I think these things, as mundane and practical as they are, really helped. I had to keep going for my sons if nothing else, and I was still working a full-time high-stress job at the time. I got through it, and you will, too, but you need to do some of these little things to take care of yourself to manage it.

I am sorry for your loss, and I hope these tips help you.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Thanks for all the tips, Martha...I'm going to try them.
As for me...well, I'm likely TOO busy doing things outside of the house. I have so many friends, so many things I'm involved in and my kids are involved in, that it seems like I'm rarely home.
When I am home, I distract myself with 'stuff' that isn't important. Like surfing on the computer or knitting or staring at the tube... Sleep isn't easy; I rarely get a full 8 hours at a stretch. Best I've done is 3-4 hour spurts.
Yet the 'must do' things aren't getting done - I'm perpetually behind on laundry, the house is always a mess (ok, my teen cyclones do contribute to that) and there's paperwork for the estate that I still haven't cleared up.
Sometimes I think I'm keeping busy away from home to fill the empty hole I feel inside, missing Rob. One would think, after two years, that I'd be better organized by now. Not yet.
I'm kinda glad to hear others are in this state, so I know it's all part of the grieving, not just me being a slacker.

I too had this problem in the beginning. The biggest thing that helped me was to make a list of things I needed to get done in order of importance. It really helped me to see those tasks written down. I would mark things off and add news ones as time went on. I actually kept that list in my memory box.

It's normal to feel this way, but for me it was equally important to push through and do the things that needed to be done. I wanted to be productive and accomplish things. I knew that Brian would expect me to take care of business.

Grief has been hard work for me the past four years and it just didn't happen. I had to make myself get up in the morning, get dressed, and go to work. I did not spend one day in bed during those first few months. I knew that was something that I would not allow myself to do. I don't think I have ever worked so hard in my life as I have working through my grief. I have to say that I am okay and I will continue to be okay.

Good luck to you and keep trying.

Nessie from KY

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have always been a little ocd but not at this time in my life. I am drinking water but I am not eating correctly and some days not at all. It's just me so not worth the effort. I do force myself to get up, dress and go to work. But the exhaustion is like a big weight and my job performance is suffering as well. Life shouldn't be this hard!

I get out of bed because the dogs bug me to go outside, otherwise don't know if I would. Then force myself to get outside and take care of the farm. The bad weather was hard, would go outside, water the critters, give them hay, clean pens and bring firewood up on the deck. Was hard to come back inside to an empty house, I'd come inside and cry.

Now the weather is getting better, so I run bird dogs. Walk all over the fields behind a couple of pointers. Everywhere I go reminds me of Ray and the fun times we had on this place. Left over branches from a tree he had cut down and I helped bring the wood back to the house. I have been picking up shotgun shells left from shooting quail over the bird dogs. Have always picked them up when I found them in the past but now they have memories attached to them. So I stand and close my eyes and remember back to a fun time together, just a few weeks ago.

Yesterday I pulled the alumn boat that's on our pond up further onto shore. Spring rains will be here soon and don't want it to float away. Did it myself, was hard, Ray would have helped before or done it himself.

Every morning I lay in bed, wake about 4am and think about what I need to do that day. It used to be fun for me, this place I loved. Now it's just drugery, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to be here, but don't want to be anywhere else.

I called 1-800-Got Junk and they came and took away "stuff" that Morey was saving after the big earth quake in 1994. Morey was not big on getting "stuff" done or giving it away. He loved to make "piles" and then he'd get to it later. Amazing how much stuff he had collected. The back patio is clean now. The kids took what they wanted and the rest, well, it got donated.

Everyday I take out a big trash bag and promise myself to grab one more thing out of one of the closets, drawers or cupboards that I don't need anymore. By spring it should all be cleaned out and my home will start to represent ME!

I won't take down Morey's pictures [they're everywhere in my home.] "MY" home! I loved being Morey's wife and living in "OUR" home!

Life is changing and I must acclimate to it! The "trash bag a day" is working for me right now!

Roz