I have the hardest time throwing anything away that was there when my wife was. I don't want to become a hoarder but right now it is hard. My uncle just a few weeks ago poured out a picture of water his wife left in the refrigerator from four years ago when she passed. I put my wife's favorite perfume on her pillow over the weekend and all weekend I had strange dreams of her moving in and out of them. This is new territory and we all find ways to get thru it. I don't know when I will ever be able to go thru her things. That I am dreading.
Peace, Tim

About two years ago, Marylou bought me a box of HotTamales, you know, those little hot jellybeans, a fav for both of us...She wrote a little love message with our secret number on an index card which she taped to the box, then snuck the box into my backpack right before I went out on the road for a week (I'm a trucker)...I didn't find that box until next day when I stopped for a shower about 700 miles from home
...I'm glad I was in a private shower when I found that, because I was so touched at the way she reached out to me across the miles that the tears just rolled...in fact, I'm having a little spell with it right now as I remember...I had that box taped to the passenger door of the truck for overt a year, where I could look over at it and be thankful to God and the universe for allowing me to be married to a true Angel...that box is now taped to the side of my printer where I can look at it when I'm on the computer and remember...that box is going to the grave with me.

I am also having trouble with just the thought of getting rid of things. The pajama bottoms and t-shirt he was wearing when he passed are on his side of the bed... Almost three months later. They haven't been washed, but when I make the bed, I fold them and put them under the covers. I hold them while I am sleeping. His side of the bed is still his side of the bed- I stay on my side- even though it means walking around the bed to go to the bathroom in the middle if the night.

The last pair of jeans he wore is still laying on the hope chest where he put them the day he took them off. The belt is still on the jeans. I decided one day to clean out some of his clothes. This was about a month ago- it lasted about thirty minutes- and then I decided I just couldn't do it.

I am just not doing well at all. I'm stuck- for the first time in my life I can't seem to find any sense of direction. I feel like I am just going through the motions, vs. really living. I hope this is just a temporary stage of the grieving process, because if it is not- I really have no desire to continue on...

I don't think there's a need to rush. Unless circumstances force one to start disposing of items, one should take however long one wants. My wife was in the middle of some projects. She was very artistic. They still sit largely as she left them. So what? I see them, and I remember her fondly.

Faithnlove64 - oh I understand having no desire to continue. Life just isn't the same. This isn't what we asked for. Not what we wanted. Building a life without my love feels like a task I never want to fulfill. I have no desire for it.

Mike would come home with the sweetest things...a tiny acorn, a shiny pink rock he found..I actually marked the year on some of the acorns and have them in a basket. He would always say, hold out your hand, close your eyes....

I told my brother yesterday that I'm proud that I have cleaned out my husband's side of our closet. He said - you found a place to donate his clothes? I said - nope, each week I throw some of them away in the trash container, but it can't be too heavy or I can't roll it to the front.

Silence. I could hear the disapproval. So I said - I hope you and no one you love ever find your spouse dead in a chair on the patio when the last thing you talked about was what to make for dinner. I have donated hundreds of bags of clothes and cast-offs in my life. This I couldn't do with my husband's stuff. I just couldn't sort through all of it.

We do what we can when we can and in the way we can do it.

My husband's dresser drawers? Can't touch them. Get panicked. So they remain closed and I don't see his belongings like in the closet. I'll do it when I can do it. Until then, they remain.

I plan to apologize for nothing. Walk a mile in our shoes...

If someone has not walked that mile they just don't get it.

Rob had a number of things that were worth some money - like the fancy stereo. I am just giving these things away. I have had people tell me that I should be selling them. But it seems to wrong for me to make money off the things my dead husband loved! I have said this to a few people and they just don't see it. They just want to see me have money and help. But to me its so much better to gift the items that he loved. Someone offered me a gift in return. That I said yes to.

I was not able to sell anything either...just didn't seem right..I found lots of happy takers at church...my son was wearing one of his dad's jackets the other day...I took a double take...yikes.

Well I put my purse in the refrigerator a few times and wrote a letter to my dog.... Does that count?? That was in the early days of my widow fog. I did keep a Mountain Dew can that he drank out of the day he passed away. My goal was to keep it for as long as it brought me comfort but unfortunately someone was trying to be helpful by cleaning my house and threw it away. Oh I was crushed!!!! It still makes me tear up. It was so important to me that I keep that but its gone now too. seemed like a strange thing but it did give me comfort. Nothing is weird at all. I can't and won't move his things and that's ok because its what I need and want to do. Everyone around me seems to think I'm nuts but if that's the case then so be it.

Hugs

Lisa

When Rob sat down in the chair that he died in he put his crutches down beside him. They stayed there for a month. I couldn't move them. The wind ended up blowing them over (his chair was outside) and I nearly fell apart at that. Now they are in the corner of my bedroom. I don't know what I would do if someone moved them. The only ones I am ok with touching them even is family. They just seem like part of him. They will likely always be in my room somewhere. Even if they end up in the closet someday. They will always be there.

My Karen has been gone for a little over 3 months. I haven't been able to touch anything of my girls stuff either. Her clothes are in the closet and her dresser. Her slippers are still next to her side of the bed, where she left them. There's a half empty bottle of water on her computer desk.
All I know is that if, or when I decide to do something, it will be my decision and nobody elses. WE all grieve differently, so the only thing I would say is do what feels right for you.
Joe

Morey would hang his keys on the inside of a cupboard door in the kitchen. Every time the door would open you could hear his keys jingling and jangling. I haven't moved them yet and every time someone opens that door another angel gets his wings! ;o)

Roz

Those are exactly the things the Sexy Lady coined my favorite phrase over. Before I left on any deployment she kept the last T-shirt I wore before leaving and slept with it every night until i came home. weather two weeks or 8 months that shirt did not get washed. All those quirkier things we do others might call strange she would say "I'ts a two heart one beat thing" Maybe someday you will understand.

Coming up 11 weeks tomorrow that I lost my husband. I am nowhere near ready to deal with his stuff. He was an avid golfer - there are probably 7 golf bags full of clubs, plus tons of extra golf supplies. I had thought I'd deal with that in the summer - maybe see if any of his golf buddies wanted some things. But as summer gets closer I doubt that I'll be able to do it this year. I walk past it all in the garage every day and I just can't imagine it not being there. But I have wondered if it is all part of that piece of my brain that refuses to really believe he is gone. What if I get rid of it and then he shows up and needs or wants it back? Or if it's not there, then that means he really isn't coming back.

I'm pretty sure I'll know when the time is right, and that time is not in sight just yet. Someone also suggested to me to do a "2 step" move when the time comes. Pack it up and leave it in the basement or garage for a time before shipping it out completely. I thought that was a good idea, and will probably do that when the time comes.